Merry Christmas!!!

Hi kids!

I just wanted to wish you a very happy Christmas.

I hope it was fantastic.

Love love love you.

Brittni

Day Twenty-One

My best friend got into a car accident and an hour before we got into a HUGE fight.

Duh.

This question is lame. We could debate its lameness for days. It is ridiculous. Of course if my best friend got into a car accident, I would be at the hospital. Or if it was any of my other friends for that matter. I love you all too much. Besides, I don't think a stupid little fight should get in the way of your friendship.

Also, sorry about my lame blogs lately. Apparently, it is what happens when I have nothing interesting to say at the moment.

Day Twenty

How I feel about religion.

I have born, and will continue to bare elements of my testimony at least once a month here.

But in general, I feel like having a relationship with God, or whatever thing you choose to believe, is an amazing thing. I know there is a God. I know it with all of my heart. And I know how much he loves his children. That does not mean that everything will be perfect for us every day, but it means when the day is over and our choices are made, He will love us. And sometimes, that is enough for me.

Maybe that is really simple, but it is how I feel right now. He loves us. Remember that.

Day Eighteen

I am getting to the point where I want to not do these thirty days anymore, not because of the topics, but because I am bored with them... So sorry if things are becoming lamer.

Day nineteen... My views on gay marriage.

Let me say this right now, my intent is not to offend anyone or to cause a debate or anything like that. I am simply going to say what I believe. Also, on this whole subject I think everyone needs a bit more love, patience, and understanding.

I believe, and truly feel that if a church or religious organization does not want to support gay marriage, then they should not have to. However, I think they should be legal. First of all, I do not see anything wrong in supporting and encouraging a committed, monogamous relationship. Sure, talk about the sanctity of marriage. However, there are weddings happening between inanimate objects like houses and roller coasters. People get married to their pets. So how is it wrong for two HUMANs to get married to each other?

If any of my gay friends invited me to their weddings, I would be there. Because above all else, we need to love each other.

Maybe that makes me wrong, but I don't care. This is how I feel, and I do not feel for a second that it is wrong.

Despicable Me

I have an obsession with this movie, and I am not kidding in the slightest. I have seriously watched it four times since I bought it on Wednesday night at 12 am. I LOVE it. And I bought it without seeing it... Redbox didn't carry it yet. But it was definitely worth the purchase.

If you have not seen it, go get it. Right now.

Update

Now they are talking about a conversation between the man she is having an affair with and the kids, about their abusive relationship when they were married. And how one of the children asked the man if he loved his mom, meaning the woman. The man replied that he did. The child then asked why he pushed his mom down the stairs when he was pregnant, but now they love each other. So... apparently she is having an affair with her ex husband, who doesn't engage in a relationship unless they are married, but did in this case. Also, she is leaving her current shoplifting husband for her ex husband. The children are very confused about the entire situation... and I personally do not blame them. One child is from the ex husband and the other is from current husband. The  ex husband child will not visit the other dads house, because he drinks. Apparently, this conversation happened as ex husband dad was drinking a beer as the two children discussed this, and why the ex husband child would not visit the current husband child's dad's house.

Somehow this is hilarious.

I really really feel this is ridiculous. Why would you have this conversation in loud voices on a plane?!

Also, I am slightly sorry for repeating all of this on Blogger. I just need someone to understand how odd this is.

Exciting Things

Here is a list of things that are currently happening in my life:

I am blogging from 33804 ft in the air.
I am listening to two things:
1. Colin singing "I was Meant for the Stage"
2. The dramatic lives of the women behind me. Don't believe me? Here is what they are talking about.
One woman is apparently in a poor marriage, based on lies from her husband. Her husband happens to be a shoplifter, just from the 7 Eleven and Wal*mart. For example, yesterday he emptied the pockets of an expensive purse, stuffing and all, and filled it with other expensive items, totaling $130. And the other day, he stole a $600 lawnmower. But do not fret. Her friend wants her to leave him. They both agree it is a good idea that she goes to the store managers and tell them about the situation, and if they catch him at it whilst he is with the children, to call the wife before they call protective services, as to not cause any trauma. Apparently, they are going to have a meeting with Neil, because he can help somehow, but it will be secret... You know to avoid the conflict of the rest of the office. The lady with the bad husband, will only be active in the church when the meeting times are between the hours of 11-2. Also, it is okay she had an affair because her marriage is based on lies and she found out about the lies BEFORE she started sleeping around on him. And who can blame her?

Seriously people, I cannot make this up. And one day, this will be a short story, so copyright. Boo-yah.

I have traveled 173 miles. I love internet on a plane. It is neat. I really really really love this little screen on the back of the seat in front of me which displays a little map of where we are, with updates as to our altitude, time to destination, and distance traveled. I am a little in love with it. I always try to pretend I know how far I have gone anyway.

That is all from the air.

Day Seventeen

First of all, I am currently in the Salt Lake City airport waiting patiently for my second plane of the day. I want to see my mom and dad ASAP, please and thank you.

Second of all. Today is a book that has changed my views on life or something.

I am going to go with the Catcher and the Rye by J.D. Salinger.

This book was required reading in high school, and I was a little excited to read it when I found out about it. It seemed like it was going to be interesting. Especially since the debate we had about it before we started. As a class, we had to decide if we were going to say the "N" word. Things got intense.

We started reading, using the "N" word by the way, our class decided that censorship of this particular book was wrong. I really didn't think I was affected by it or that I was really able to take anything from it.

Until my sophomore year  of college. I woke up one morning and things made sense: the unspeakable loneliness, the longing for something greater, the idea of people caring, but not really caring, the need to connect with another human being.

It is beautiful. SO very beautiful.

I have never been able to get the scene in which he attempts to gain some sort of human connection by speaking with a prostitute out of my mind.. It is something that is there inside me. I know it sounds odd or strange, but read it. Maybe you will get it. And if you don't, its okay. It is with me though.

Day Sixteen

Something I could live without.

Bacon.

Seriously, it is not my favorite thing. I have come to the point in my life where I can tolerate if it is in something, but I prefer if there are things with it... to flush out the flavor.

Actually, that might be a little bit of a lie.

I don't really know if it is the flavor so much as it is the texture, the smell, the idea (fried strips of pig fat?!), and the way it looks. Some bacon looks uneatable. Like the kind at any fast food restaurant. It looks like plastic.

All I am trying to say is that, if we go out to eat and there is bacon on my whatever, I will get it on the side, and I will give it to you. Because chances are, you think bacon is delicious.

I have had to make many of these throughout the years in helping my dad. Your hands smell like bacon for days.

See? Why do things like this actually exist?

Day Fifteen

First of all, I am sorry about my slacking at the blogging. I have been attempting to get last minute Christmas stuff done before I leave for Oregon... The only reason it is happening now is because I went to bed at 3 and am awake at 8 and am rather annoyed about it.

Something I have tried living without and couldn't.

I am listing this one out... Because there are a lot of things:

1. The Church- I seriously tried walking away, because I was so frustrated with many things in my life. And I couldn't do it. I know without a shadow of a doubt that there is a Heavenly Father. I know how much He loves me, and us for that matter. I know that I have a Savior who came to earth to atone for my sins. I believe the words of the scriptures and the words of the prophets. I don't know why I am still a little stubborn and try to do things on my own and try to test some things out, because I KNOW all of these things, but I still do. Sometimes, I am not the brightest crayon in the box. But I do know the short time in my life when I tried giving up on the church and on Heavenly Father, that time, was the darkest, loneliest time of my life. And I regret the time I wasted in that state of mind.

2. Music- I cannot, will not, and shan't live without music. I cannot do it. I need it. A little like I need everything else in my life. There is a little part of me that hurts when I am without it for a while.

3. Friends- I am soooooo very grateful to have so many people in my life who love and care about me. Thank you for always being there for me and for loving me.

4. Sweaters- I would freeze my buns off.

5. Bras- While I know how ridiculous this sounds, I would kinda die without them. My life would be way more painful.

Maybe I should have said something like my family, but the truth is this: I love my family way too much to have ever tried to live without them. And... I am excited to see them tomorrow!

Day Fourteen

A hero who has let me down, a letter.

Dear Underdog.


Remember how I loved to watch you on Saturday mornings? You were the only talking, flying, canine crusader, your cape and ears flowing courageously in the wind. You were always there to save the day...


Until the day you weren't. Which, sure, maybe that is not your fault. I don't blame you, I mean you can't help if the man decided to pull you off the air...


But you can be blamed for the time you thought it would be a good idea to sell your rights to become a live-action movie. I cannot help but feel like you sold out. Because you did. Your movie grossed, $43,751,706, in the US alone. That does not make you an Underdog. It makes you a rich little dog. You no longer fought against the man... you became the man.


Get your soul back. 


I believe in you.


Brittni

Day Thirteen

Today is a letter to a band that has got me through the hard times... A letter...

Dear Colin Meloy,

The first time I heard you, was in a public access performance. I was laying in my parents bed not really looking for anything, but I stumbled across this beautiful moment of you staring into a camera singing your heart out. I think you were singing, "Red Right Ankle" or maybe it was "I was Meant for the Stage". Either way, I went out and searched for your album. I bought it, and I fell madly in love, and have remained so ever since.

It doesn't matter the mood I am in, I can listen to a song or an album and it instantly matches my mood. Sometimes, I think about your dialog in on the Colin Meloy Sings Live album and laugh to myself.

I love that every song tells a story, that at any given moment you can transport me to somewhere else, but I can also go inside myself and do some reflecting.

There are days when I listen to "We Both Go Down Together", "Engine Driver", "Here I Dreamt I was an Architect", and "Red Right Ankle" over and over and over again. I don't think those songs will ever leave me.

Once my housemates asked me how much I loved them, and I said, "More than cheese but less than Colin Meloy." And they knew exactly what that meant.

Mostly, just thank you for being amazing and for making amazing music.

Love,
Brittni

Day Twelve

Today's honest moment is brought to you by something I never get complements on.

Um... My dance moves are so under appreciated, it isn't even funny. You guys. I can drop it like its hot. Don't you even worry.

Little known secret, I was once the captain of my dance team. (But... it was the same dance team in which I was pulled aside for being, "too chesty." Yeah, that is a true story. Also, one of the prouder moments of my 14 year-old life.) 

I can skank it up with the best of the ska-lings. 

I can hokie-pokie like the mostest. 

I put the moc in macarena.

I can sprinkler.

And back up the bus.

And do the shopping car.

And... Not to brag, but I am pretty much the best car dancer ever. In the history of car dancing. 

However, my dancing is over looked every single time. How is this even possible? I have no earthly idea. Except. I will not let this detour me, you know why?

I can dance if I want to. As long as I abuse it, Im never gonna lose it.

Ps... When I flashdance, there is no spandex leotard. But you can bet there are leg warmers.

Day Eleven

How am I only on the eleventh day? Weird.

Today is something that I always get complements on.

Today about seven different people complemented me on my coat. And lets be honest, it is pretty dang cute.

Also, people complement me about my eyes. A lot.

So here they are. Eat your heart out.

Day Ten

Today is someone in my life I need to let go of, but can't.

I have no answer for this question. Seriously. I have known it was coming, and have avoided blogging because of it. I do not know. There is not one person in my life I feel like I need to let go. Probably because I am selfish. There is a purpose, somehow, for every person in my life. And the few people who I could put names to, I have let go. At some point, I couldn't handle the constant negativity. And naturally, things died out.

So I guess that is my answer. There isn't anyone.

On national "Delete Your Unneeded Friends on Facebook Day" I couldn't delete anyone.

So... thanks for being so awesome everyone. :)

Day Nine

Yesterday, Wednesday, I was day nine. The day I write about someone who I didn't want to let go, but just drifted.

I think that would be my childhood friend, Signe.

We went through a lot together. The entire sixth grade. The entire seventh grade. In fact, she was the reason I transfered middle schools. I wanted to be able to go somewhere that I had friends. We were placed in different halls, and made other friends, but that is beside the point. I honestly am glad I was given that chance. We survived the eight grade. With a lot of eight grade silliness and drama. When I moved during my eight grade year, our parents would drive to a halfway point and we would trade cars and spend the weekends together. Every single time I eat barbeque chicken I am reminded of her, I am not sure why. In the eleventh grade, when her dad died, she drove an hour to my house so we could cry together. Whenever I hear a Garth Brooks song, I think of his funeral and watching one of my best friends heartbreak all over again.I think of the heartbreak of knowing I could never give her the thing she needed most.

Somewhere in all of that I gave her a stuffed fox, and she named it Tod. And I think she gave me a stuffed dog, and I named it Copper... or maybe it was the other way around. Either way, I think of her when I watch the Fox and the Hound and my heart misses her a little.

I have no idea where she is at now. And I have no idea when that change happened. I think somewhere between my senior year of high school and my freshman year of college. But I often wonder where she is and how she is doing... and whether or  not she is happy.

Sig, wherever you are, I hope you are completely happy.

Day Eight

Okay. Today, well on Tuesday, I was supposed to write a post about someone who has made my life terrible. Do you know how hard it is to do? Yes, I have had plenty of people who have hurt me in one way or another, but it is difficult for me to still harbor anger at them for it. Trust me, there have been people. I can think of two in particular who deserve to have a blog written about them and how small and insignificant they made me feel. But mostly, and I can say this in all honesty too, I have found ways to forgive each of them. But more than that I found a way to forgive myself. Because what those two individuals did was really to allow me to feel the way I already felt in a lot of ways. And yes, I know that was a very convoluted sentence that makes little to no sense.

What I mean is that even though these two individuals did some damage, that at those times I felt was irreparable, it only allowed me to continue to feel the way I already felt. Somehow, I was the one who was treated me the worst. Maybe this is a cop out, or maybe I am just finding a way to not be mean to someone else. But I really feel that I was the most horrible to myself for a long time.

I wouldn't let myself love myself, and therefore I wouldn't let anyone else love me either. Don't do that to yourself. It is hard. It is awful.

I felt small. I felt useless. I felt unwanted. I felt tossed aside. I felt used. I felt unimportant, insignificant. I felt like a chewed up piece of gum on someone's shoe. One day, in the hallway at church, with one handshake and a name from one of these people, it all came flooding back to me. Through some long hard talks with someone, I was eventually able to see that it wasn't my fault. Yes, the things that happened were horrible, but I couldn't be blamed for it. And for a long time I thought I was. I hated myself for it.

But I am okay now. And I do love myself now. For the record. A lot. Because I deserve to.

Day Seven

Today is probably one of the harder days for me, and simply for the fact that I feel ungrateful to different people for having not chosen them. Maybe that is silly, but it is true. Today is someone who has made life worth living. I have been very blessed to have many people whom I love very dearly come and go in my life. I have people who are constantly bettering me, teaching me new things, and helping me to realize how much our Heavenly Father loves us. That is probably cheesy, but I feel that way. So stick it.

But I would be completely wrong if I didn't choose to dedicate this blog to Trent. He is my very very best friend. I have no idea where, who, or what I would be without him. For the past few years he has been a steady constant in my life, and he has never once left my side. It has never mattered the choices I have made, or how destructive I have been to our relationship.

Trent has always been there, pushing me to be better and to see better things. He helped me to realize that I was worth something, when I felt like I was worth nothing. He helped me to see how wrong and abusive a relationship was, to see that I deserved more than just being okay. When I was so angry at the world and everything in it, he constantly showed me reasons to see something good. When I was frustrated with Heavenly Father for not instantly taking a trial away or coming to my rescue, he was there pushing me to go to church, telling me how much I was loved.

He has never given up on me, even when I gave up on myself.

He is there when I get homesick. Or when I am being silly. Or when I just need to sit with someone. He knows every side of me. All of the good and the bad.

But more than that, I love him for who he is. He is super intelligent. He listens. He loves. He understands. He is one of the least judgmental people I know. He somehow sees the good in people, even after I feel like they have taken something a step too far. He genuinely cares, and that is a rare ability. He is funny. He has good taste in music, even if he sometimes sells his soul to a pop whore or two. or three. There are a thousand and one more things I can say about him.  Probably more than that.

I don't know how to accurately put into words how much I love him and how grateful I am for him every single day. Seriously. Trent. I love you. And I hope you know every single day I do.

Here is a little photo montage:

Sometimes we undress penguins in elevators... in Kentucky.

Sometimes we go camping... to get in touch with our inner hippy.

And feel small in a big world.

Sometimes, we go to Disneyland.

Sometimes we are hot.

Sometimes we are not.

Sometimes we are overly excited.

But mostly...

We are awesome beyond all reason.

Trentward, thank you for always being my counterpart, for helping me to be better, and for always always always loving me. I love you. Always.

Be Still Be Still Be Still

Another month has passed, and it was once again the day set aside to bare testimonies. This month has been really hard for me in a lot of ways. I had some news delivered to me that I chose not to handle very well. It came at a time when I was getting very low amounts of sleep at night and was stressing out about getting a baby shower 100% perfect. Naturally, I took all of that out on the news I was given. And I got very angry, narrow-minded, and self-centered.

He got married, and for some reason I had an extreamly hard time dealing with that fact. It was not the fact that He was leaving me behind, nor was it the fact that he is happy. In all honesty, I hope that he is happy. What hurts the most is that he got to do it first. I have tried so hard to work on myself and my testimony, and piece together all of the elements of me that he tore apart, and he gets to be the one rewared first. Yes, you can tell me that he may not really be happy. Or tell me about all of the things he lost and the changes he went through. Some good. Some bad. But there is still part of me that felt this way. There was still a part of me that couldn't help but feel as though he remained unaffected by me. See? I was being ridiculous. 

That week Chelsey was taking part two of the CPA exam, and she suggested that with everything that I had been going through, I go down and go to the temple while she took her test. I realized that if someone was looking at me and seeing the peace that I obviously needed, and was willing to point that out to me, I should take that as a sign to do so. I am so grateful to her for suggesting it.

I was able to be in the temple for about four and a half hours. I know that sounds like a ridiculously large amount of time, and I guess it was, but it was very much needed. While I was there, I had the distinct feeling that I needed to stop and be still, and to remember that He is God. The thought kept going through my head. Be still. Be still. Be still. Know that I am God. Trust in me. And then a flood of peace.

I left the temple and I felt so peaceful and calm... for about 20 minutes. And then I felt more angry than I can ever remember feeling. It was awful. I had to call my mom and get her to calm me down. I was shaking and I just wanted to break something. It was so horrible, especially after the experience of peace and comfort I felt earlier. My mom reminded me that I needed to spend a little time listening to the promptings that I had received earlier, and I needed to let go of the things that were making me so angry. Also, that after we are given a gift as I had been, there often comes an equal temptation or something from the other side. 

My favorite book, as all of you know, is Where the Wild Things Are. I love the moment where Max yells at the Wild Things to be still. I have had a lot of unstill moments in my life, and a lot of unexpected Wild Things, I guess we all do in our own ways. There have been so many times that I have pulled the blankets over my head and whispered, "be still be still be still," hoping to find some light. And often times I have been a Wild Thing. There have been many times, that I know I have been blessed with moments where things were still. Moments where even in the midst of chaos, I felt peace and calm. 

Today, I was talking to Trent and trying to suppress the giant freak out about my life, and the fact that I feel like I have little to nothing to show for the past few years of my life. And this moment of, be still be still be still popped into my head again. 

I need to be more patient. I need to realize that He has his own time line. That there is a reason for things. I understand that. 

But even more, right now, I understand that instead of freaking out and crying myself to sleep or jumping into self-pitty mode, I can be still. I can pray. I can find peace in the fact that He is God and through him all things are made possible. I can find the light. I just have to be willing to be still, be still, be still.

Day Six

Day Six: Something I hope I never have to do.

I hope that I never have to sleep in the snow. Seriously, that would be the worst thing in the world. It would be so freaking cold. I do not enjoy the feeling of being cold and wet while looking at my breath.

I hate sleeping when my feet are freezing.

Or when I cannot feel my nose.

Or my ears.

Or my anything.

Also... I never hope to eat cantaloupe again. Ima be real honest with you for a second. I would rather eat bacon on/in everything for a year, than eat one piece of cantaloupe.

Seriously, it gives me the chills.

Nope. By Shel Siverstein

I put a piece of cantaloupe
underneath the microscope.
I saw a million strange things sleepin',
I saw a zillion weird things creepin',
I saw some green things twist and bend--
I won't ever eat a cantaloupe again.

Day Five

First of all, I know I missed yesterday. So I am going to do one for today and yesterday. Also, today was fast Sunday... so I have to do a testimony blog too. Ugh. Blogs.

Day five: Something I hope to do in my life.

I have a list...

1. Above all else, I want to be a mom. Maybe that is cliche and cheesy, but really that is what I want above all other things in this world. I told Trent earlier today that I just feel like I have so much love to give to someone. And I have so many things I want to share and show them. Every ounce of me wants to do that. I sincerely hope I get that opportunity.

2. I want to publish a poem sequence about living in the echoes of people.

3. I want to make a quilt... Big enough for my bed and I want to be in love with it.

4. I want to learn how to knit. Emily, I am expecting help with this.

5. I want to go one day without saying any negative thing about anyone or anything.

And those are five things I hope to do one day. Keep your fingers crossed.

Day 4

Today is something I have to forgive someone else for, and this one is a little bit more tricky than the first. Because the few things I can think I need to forgive others for, I have also worked really hard on doing. And then there was that time I wrote this blog…

So maybe I still need to forgive Emily, though it is hard to do when I don’t even know why I am upset in the first place. Well, I know why. I am upset she hurt my dad. I am upset she hurt my Grandpa. I am upset she has not had an interest in my life, except for when it somehow conveniently into her life. But you know what else? I am not concerned about it enough that I carry the weight of it around with me, nor do I dwell on the fact that I have no relationship with this woman. Part of me feels like I haven’t the feelings to even warrant that much. Sorry. I don’t mean to be cold or hurtful. I honestly don’t. I just haven’t put much time into it yet.

 I wrote this letter, just now:

Dear Emily,

You can’t show up once when I am sixteen and expect me to call you Nana and tell you how much I love you. I do not know you. You do not know me.

I cannot help but ask the question, where were you for the first sixteen years. Once you answer that question, tell me where you have been the past ten years? I am almost twenty-five.

Maybe that is what this all boils down to. The fact that there has been no effort made. Sure, I can talk to you once every five years on Christmas, and we can fane interest in one another. Oh, and I guess we can see each other once every 10-16 years. No, you are right. I haven’t tried to make a huge effort to get to know you either. A lot of that stems from the fact that I have no idea how to get in touch with you.

Yes, I find it easy to love a lot of people. Believe it or not, it does take a while for that love to happen. Maybe not even a long while, but at least longer than meeting you once in my life. I don’t even remember what we talked about when you were here. And again, I was sixteen. I graduated from high school and college. Can you even tell me what I graduated in? Probably not.

But I can’t really tell anyone anything about you either. Other than you live in Texas and you have breast cancer, and I have heard rumors of a mental illness, but I can’t even say that with absolute surety. I can tell you that my dad wants to have a relationship with you, and is trying to do so as hard as he can, despite the fact that when you told his sisters you had breast cancer, and he was visiting at the time, you pulled them into a room and told them the news, while he waited in the living room. Despite the fact that you haven’t talked to him in the same amount of time you have not talked to me.

Basically, if/when I forgive you for these things, it will be because I love my dad more than I have hard feelings against you. It will be out of respect for him. Maybe only initially. Actually, I hope only initially. Perhaps, one day, we can have a relationship. And maybe I will learn how to respect you for you, and not out of consideration for my dad’s feelings.

Brittni.

Now I am not trying to hurt anyone’s feelings here, especially not Emily’s, I am just trying to find a way to work through my thoughts and feelings. I think this helped. And in respect of the 30 Days of Honesty, I will be 100% honest about it.

Day Three

Today I have to write about something for which I need to forgive myself. This subject is a little harder for me. This last spring and summer I spent a lot of time working on myself and learning how to love me for who I am, and did a lot of forgiving myself for things. Apparently, I like guilt. I have let many things go and have found ways to heal some of the voids that have been left. This was hard for me because I realized that I haven't fixed them all. I guess that is kind of what I need to forgive myself for.

I think I need to forgive myself for not being enough. I feel that way often, especially when it comes to my friends. I feel so horrible when I cannot do something to help someone I love, the only thing I can do is empathize, and sometimes that never feels like enough. Then I feel guilty, like I am not enough or I am not being the friend that I should be.

I know people who say they have a hard time and don't know what to do when people cry to them, or at least feel awkward in those situations. I do not feel that way. Crying doesn't make me uncomfortable. Well... maybe a little when I am the one doing the crying. But there have been many times when I listen to a friend who is upset and crying, and I cry because I feel bad for them. And the only thing I know how to do is to hug them and listen, sometimes say that I am sorry for what they are going through. Then later, I truly feel like that is not enough. So I beat myself up.

I need to realize that sometimes just listening is enough. I also need to realize that it is okay to not have all the answers. I think, somehow, I am realizing that more and more every day.

In addition to this, I need to forgive myself for not being enough when it comes to the things I do. I do not need to be the best at everything, and I realize that fact. It isn't really my goal. But I HATE not being able to give something 110%. I like to put my heart into everything I do... Its just sometimes, there isn't enough heart to go around. I need to remember, that it is okay.

Admitting it is the first step, right?

I will work on it. I promise.

Day Two

Today is the second day... and I am supposed to talk about something I love about myself.

I love that I love people. It comes easy, at least most days. I like to think that I can empathize pretty easily with others, sometimes this is a good trait, sometimes not so much.

I could probably write more and add more detail, but I haven't had the best day and I think I am going to skip it. Sorry kids.

The First Day

My dear dear housemate Mindy has started a 30 day blog fest of honesty and goodness... So naturally, I am stealing her idea. Here is the first day:

Something I hate about myself.

First of all let me just say how much I dislike this particular thing, admitting the things I completely and utterly dislike about myself. But in the name of honesty and truth, I will.

1. I am writer who doesn't write. Easy fix? Yes... kind of.

2. I cannot wrap a present for the life of me. Nor to save a birthday or christmas or any other special event. Seriously, it is a physical impossibility.

And this isn't even the worst one... it may be one of the better ones. You don't even get the full effect because you can't see the ridiculous wrinkles, edges, and lumps. Seriously. Lumps.

3. I pee. A lot. Especially at night. Wait, that sounds like I wet the bed. I do not do that. But I do have to get up and use the bathroom at least once a night. My bladder is the size of a pee.

4. I have no circulation, therefore, I am always freezing.

5. Apparently, once again according to Chelsey, I have tourettes when I don't eat. I also get real grumpy.

6. It is 12:38 and I am still awake.

That is it for tonight. Peace out kids.

Forgiveness.

First of all, I am stewing on a blog that is not all warm and touchy-feely. I swear it. It is just involving a lot more thought than is probably necessary. A couple of them actually... Be prepared.

But lately I have been thinking a lot about forgiveness, mainly because I need to learn how to do it. My wonderful Mom called me the other day, a few weeks ago actually. And told me that my birth grandmother, Emily, will be at Christmas this year. My instant response, as much as I am ashamed to admit it, was: "I will not call her Nana." (This is what she wants her grandchildren to call her.) "Pie used to call me that when we were little, because of Peter Pan, and it is a term of endearment that must be earned. Also, I will not tell her I love her, because I don't. How can I love her when she doesn't even know me, nor I her?" I think somewhere in there I mixed some things about how I didn't feel the way she treated my dad was right. And a grandmother is someone who is there your whole life, not just part of it. Also, my grandpa's wife Stephani, is my grandma. She is. I love her so very much, with every fiber of my being. So somehow in my mind, if I let this woman, the one I don't even know, into my life, it will be a form of betrayal.

I was talking to my sister later in the week, and she basically said that she will not speak to her unless she was directly spoken to. And I was so bothered by this, especially since I am currently on one of my "See everyone with the pure love of Christ" kicks. So I am a big fat hypocrite.

Church yesterday was all about forgiving and repentance. A lot of the girls in Relief Society focused on how they needed to repent for having hard feelings against different people in their lives. The whole bit about drinking poison and expecting it to kill someone else. Its ridiculous. But there I was sitting in my chair with so much frustration and hurt, and down right anger.

I hate the way she treats my dad. My dad in no way deserves the things she has done to him. My mom uses the excuse that she has some severe mental issues. Okay. Fine. Great. But, I honestly do not feel that is an appropriate excuse to treat your son like a stranger in your family. Or to not meet your grandchildren for years. To ultimately treat these people like they have never existed. My dad has overcome a lot of his issues with her, so why can't I? Except, I feel like I watch him try to let her in, and then she does something to hurt him and push him away.

I could care less if she hurts me. Sure it hurts that she wouldn't want to get to know me over the years, but guess what? I am not hurting for grandparent love. My Grandma loves me. And she has since the day we met. And I have never doubted that. My grandparents on my mom's side love me too. My Grandpa was/is an amazing man, and he loves/loved me so much. But what I cannot stand is how much she hurts, or hurt, my dad.

How do I forgive someone like this?

I mean, obviously I could do better to pray for help. I know I can get help that way. It doesn't make it any easier.

Am I a horrible person?

Growing

I have decided that since I don't always get the chance to bare my testimony at church, rather, I don't always take the opportunity to do so, I would share it every fast and testimony Sunday. I figured if I am going to share my entire self on this blog, I needed to share that as well.

I am so grateful for temples. I have only recently been able to go inside the temple and to participate in the great work that is done there in. I am still trying to break everything down and understand it. Yes, I will admit that there are parts which still feel awkward. However, I know with absolute surety that the temple is the house of the Lord. It does not matter the purpose I go, I always feel so very happy when I enter those doors. I fill up with a sense of peace and happiness, that I rarely find anywhere else. Our Heavenly Father loves us so much, and as I stand in those holy walls, I become aware of His love.

This week I have had the chance to go to the temple twice. Once to attend an Endownment session and once to participate in Baptisms for the Dead. I have not done this since I was seventeen or maybe even eighteen. I forgot what it was like. It was so neat to be able to sit in the youth chapel with two out of my three housemates, all of us dressed in white. We sang a few hymns, and the Spirit was so strong.

I also love the Priesthood. I cannot put into words how amazing it is, the power and protection that it gives us. Sometimes, I get very homesick. Very homesick. And I think part of that homesickness comes from not being able to have the Priesthood in my home, but I love going places where there is a worthy Priesthood holder. And I am so excited for the day that I can have that in my home every single day.

This week I have also been thinking a lot about the pure love of Christ, and most of that has come through some meetings we have been having at work. We have been having a lot of tension in our office, many barriers between teams and people, none of them good. There has been a huge us against them mentality, and you can feel it when you walk in.

While sitting in this two part, four and a half hour meeting, I felt the prompting that I was not making it a priority in my life to see people through the eyes that our Heavenly Father and Christ would see them. I haven't been praying to be able to have this gift or praying that I can recognize it. That was wrong. I know that I, myself, have been a cause of this contention, and it is simply because I have let go of that one small thing in my prayers. To be completely honest, I have been extremely lax in my prayers. This meeting started putting things into perspective for me. I don't hate the people whom I was having issues with, in fact there was a point where I was able to see the good in them. But somehow I let myself focus only on the bad things. I got caught up in my pride, and began to think that I, or my team, was being wronged on all sides. I got defensive and jumped easily to offense. I lost sight of how Christ sees these individuals, I stopped looking for their goodness.

And from the bottom of my heart, I apologize. I am sorry to those with whom I was quick to anger. To those of whom I spoke ill. I am sorry that I have not put Christ and my Father first. I am sorry that I have been selfish and prideful. I can only hope that you will forgive me, and that together we can move forward.

Another part of this comes from watching the trials with which my friends struggle. I know that when I pray for them and about them, I get the distinct feeling of just a small portion of how much our Father in Heaven loves them, loves you. Last month, one of my friends and I were able to kneel together and pray about a particular situation. We were asking a direct question, one I expected to get a firm yes or no on. Guess what? That is not what happened at all. I got repeatedly told to express how much this individual was loved by their Heavenly Father. I like to think I got a glimpse of that love. But even more amazing, was that I had the over-whelming feeling that we are all loved this much, and much more, by our Savior and by our Heavenly Father. That is such a beautiful, wonderful gift. And I am so thankful I had that experience.

One of my very favorite memories of my dad is as follows. He was working in an apartment, painting I think. My mom had me take him dinner or a maybe just a Pepsi. I was sitting on a paint bucket, watching him finish the wall on which he was working. We were talking about a new calling I had just received, my first calling ever. He told me to remember how important it was to serve others. I nodded and mumbled that I knew. He stopped painting and he looked at me for a long minute. He then explained that that the most important thing we can do in this life is to love others, and to truly love them. It wasn't enough to go through the motions of loving someone, although sometimes by going through the motions, we could learn how to love them. But more important was to pray for the ability to TRULY love others, to earnestly seek to find the good, and to love them no matter their choices, past, present, or future. It is never our place to pass judgement. I remember that has he spoke, I felt the spirit more strongly than I had in my entire life, I think we both did. And then he went back to painting the wall.

I have never forgotten that moment. I know that I have not been perfect with this, not even close, I am striving for it. And I will do my best best do to it, some days are better than others. I think that is okay. I am just thankful I have a dad who would take the time to teach me such a powerful lesson. I love him so much.

With all that having been said, I am going to try something this month. I am going to work harder to see people through His eyes. I am going to try harder to bite my tongue and be less prideful. I probably won't be prefect, so please bare with me. But even if I do just a little bit better, I will call that good. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Day Light Savings-What?

Today is daylight savings time. Usually my favorite day of the year... Except today I am so tired i cannot keep my eyes open, or can I?

Yes, it is 1am. And no, I am not sure if that is before or after the time change. I feel like I may have missed it somehow and now its 1. Either way, I am still awake after wanting to go to bed at 9pm. Blah.

A Find

I was talking to Wyett today. He showed me an article on someone's blog, and I am absolutely in love with it. When I got back to my computer I found that Trent sent it to me as well, so it means it is neat.

In school, I studied about gender. Specifically, homosexuality. I still study it. I love learning about gender. I love learning about sexuality too, and the social effects it has. I do not mean to get into any political debates, or moral issues, what have you. But I do think that there is a very important message here, so I am sharing it. I have many many questions, and very little answers. I continue to study and be fascinated by this topic. Gender is a strange animal. And we are strange with it. All of that aside, I just think ultimately we all need to practice a much more love and a ton less judgement, but that is just my opinion. (I am trying to work on this myself, I promise.)

Without further introduction here is the link, but please take the time to read it: My Son is Gay

Rachie.

I just want you to all know and understand how much I admire Miss Rachel Yates Wilde.






*She is by far one of the, if not THE, strongest person I know.

*She is handed things, I cannot even imagine, and handles them with grace.



*She is freaking hil.ar.i.ous.

*She always listens and understands.

*She has her own opinions about everything, and she sticks to them.

*She never judges me too harshly.

*She tells me when I am being a dumb ass. Which, lets face it, is often.

*She makes my workdays seem shorter and bearable.

*She has seen me at my worst and at my best, and she loves me either way.

*She understands a lot of things that many other people don't even have an idea about, she will know what this means.

*She won't judge me that this is in bulleted list.

*She has a huge heart.

*She LOVES animals, and is a great mom to an awesome dog.

*She has an amazing husband. (Check out his royal hotness here)

*She has one of the best cousins ever... at least i wish i could be up in that cousin combo. Thankfully, I just get to be a side lover to them both. Nothin wrong with a little cousin lovin.

*She is talented.

*She can rock any song given to her, really, try it. Girls got some chords... of the vocal style.

*I never knew her mom, but I wish that I could have. To one thank her for creating one of my very best friends. Two, because if Rachel is anything like her mom at all, I want to know that person, I want to have been in that light, even if just for a moment.

*When things seem too hard to move or breath, she breaths and moves. And is constantly reminding me, through her example, that nothing is unbearable.

*She gives me faith when I have little of it for myself.

These are just a few reasons. But I really do love her.

Dreams

I have weird dreams. All the time. But I like it.

I had a dream that I was the vampire slayer and Wyett was my watcher. We fought gigantic mosquitoes… And we won.

Most recently I had a dream in which I got a call to serve a mission in Sweden. Rock on. So I went to the MTC, with no preparation mind you. In fact, once I got to the MTC, I realized that everyone else had a ton of missionary equipment, and I had nothing. Which caused a panic in my life. I wrote home, no actually I think I called, and told them to buy me mission stuff ASAP. They did. Now when I say I had nothing, I really mean I had almost nothing, because like every good prepared missionary, I of course brought my pet bunny. Why? I had a prompting. I also brought my best friend, welcome to the dream Trent. Because we all need companions, and I needed someone with whom I could spend 24/7. Naturally, Trent was that person. Also, Mindy got her mission call, and we were going to be roomies. She brought Dan, her best friend, as her companion. After a few days of hanging out in the MTC, there was a murder. Dun. Dun. Dun! (Oh the intrigue, right?)Naturally, everyone had to go and sit on the grass outside until the police were finished investigating. Everyone, with the exception of the Dream Team that is. We were exactly like the Scooby Gang. Shaggy-Dan, goofy and a little add, sorry for the dream judge dan. Freddie-Mindy, the leader slash trap setter. Velma-Me, awkward, says, "jinkies", and loses her glasses all the time. Daphne- Trent attractive and danger-prone. Scooby-doo? Tortoise. Shy, cuddly, loves treats. We were on the case. Tort led us to the killer, by sniffing the chemicals used in the murder. This mad the killer real angry, and she went after Trent. Have no fear, Mindy and I beat her with tennis racquets. We then attended a press conference, in which we relieved the killer's identity, and were asked to be the Missionary Special Task Team... meaning if there was any crime which involved missionaries anywhere, we investigated.

Last night, I had a dream that the world was ending. Trent and I were tasked with letting everyone know about. Naturally, we chose to spread the news through social networking sites. My first thought when I woke up was, who else should we warn? No one was the answer.

Okay, this is just a couple of my weird dream adventures, but I have weird dreams ALL the time. I'll keep posting them.


but in the meantime, sorry kid who I have wildly inappropriate dreams about all the time. I don't mean to be this awkward, its my subconscious. And yes, I am embarrassed to look you in the eye the next day.

A Little Happy.

So I have a new love in my life, well new isn't exactly the right word for it. I have had it for a while, and it is about time we talk about it.

I love zombies. I love them. LOVE.

Today, while I was staying home sick from work, I watched a bunch of old zombie movies, and the first episode of The Walking Dead. I recommend it. Here is just a little picture preview:



That is right. Western plus zombies. But it isn't all western. Just mostly awesome.

On a sidenote, I am really excited about the shows AMC is currently doing. Mad Men is freaking amazing. I have heard good things about Breaking Bad as well, but haven't watched.

Anyhow. Watch The Walking Dead. Do it. Love it.

Also, I just took The Walking Dead Survival Test-twice. I got the same result:

My survival skills rank as a father figure.

Go figure.

Why?!

Why a new blog you ask?

1. I can't sleep. It happens a lot. Maybe this is something I can do to be productive in that time.

2. I am having troubles writing lately... the kind of troubles wherein I don't write at all. Other than the stuff I do for work, and that doesn't count. So... I am hoping this will help kick start things again.

3. I get frustrated when I am bored and check my blogger feeds, and no one has posted things for days. How can I expect you people to entertain me when I am not willing to put out myself.

4. I have freaking interesting things to say, and it is about time you all started listening. haha...

5. I don't do journals... I've tired and failed many a time. (And this is not counting the one time when I was eleven and had a journal which we refere to as the "Jesus Journal". It was from the I-am-in-my-a-teenager-and-hate-everyone phase. It came early. It lasted like two weeks, because I hated hating everyone. I still feel guilty. Sorry family.)

6. Umm... I have run out of reasons.



P 2 the S... It has only been about an hour since I posted the 25 People blog. And I am already thinking of about people I missed. And I feel guilty. Sorry kids. Know I still love you.

25 People

The other day Chelsey told me I was an I love you slut. Well... it is partially true. I love people pretty easily, but it is a real love. and I don't think you can blame me for that. But I have a theory... I surround myself with people whom I love, and love dearly. I cannot help it that all my friends are so awesome. Here are a few people who I love, and in no particular order. But they rock, so prepare for the shout outs, because they put up with a lot from me that they don't deserve.

*Trentward- We have been through thick and thin... and good and bad. He usually knows what to say to make me feel better about my life. He is freaking hilarious. He generally sees the good in people, especially when no one else can. I am harder on him than I am anyone else, and he probably doesn't deserve that either. But in the end I know that I love his freaking guts and he loves mine.

*Rachie-Poo- For real, I am so grateful I have been given the opportunity to be in her life. We can relate on so many levels and she usually knows exactly what I mean. She puts her whole heart into everything that she does, and I cannot help but truly admire that.

*Denice- When I grow up (or down) I want to be her. She has some amazing stories in which she has truly lived. She is able to balance many things and many hats, and really doesn't miss a beat.

*Anne Dee Kitten- Best. Spooner. Ever. She is also super creative and helps me to see the positive in situations.

*Ag-wag- Just try to crotchet like her. I dare you. Also try to do anything with the vigor that she has in her pinkie.

*Chelsey- I may make fun of her for being tall and freakishly good at math, but I like both things about her. I also like that she is funny and super sassy.

*Lynsie- She is the inspiration for the classic Disney princess. Really. She showed appeared to Walt in a dream, and from that time on he was memorized.

*Mindy- We have lived together less than four months, and she already reads my mind. Also. We share a child... so we have that going for us.

*Sheenabean- She is freaking hilarious and such a sweetheart... with a touch of spice. She ALWAYS listens to my rants and she helps me to be a huge girl, which I need every once in a while. But we can also talk about whatever else under the sun and always have a good time with it.

*Mags- She is crazy and fabulous. I love that we can talk in theories and then laugh so hard we almost pee... these days she could pee at any given moment. Thanks Jude.

*Clare- Beautiful. Talented. Funny. Cleaver. And a trillion other reasons.

*Wyett- It is nice to have someone to talk about my weird ideas and theories on life. He helps me to feel less abnormal about the way I view this world.

*My Mom- I love that I can talk to her about everything, and I mean everything. I love that when she drives she road-rages like the Tasmanian Devil and that she laughs so hard she snorts.

*My Dad- He gets all my pop culture references and continues to introduce me to super neat things. I love that he is like a marshmallow cup. Hard chocolate shell on the outside (but we all know it is really chocolate) and gooey marshmallow in the inside.

*Pookie-Pie- We are like night and day, but we love each other a lot. She is very smart about many things, even when she likes to pretend she isn't. And she cracks me up.

*Honey- He loves my sister, and no matter how big of a brat she is, he still loves her more.

Ashley- If I would have known on the cousin I was missing out on for so long, I would never have let it go that long. She is the definition of adorable.

Kally- I love love love love love that we live in the same town. I am so freaking glad that I can have a small piece of home here.

Mary- She introduces me to neat things. Also, I love the crap out of her three babies and her super wicked husband. I one day want to have such an amazing family.

Mike- He makes the day go by quicker with his dry humor and logical ways.

Derek- We are not as close as we once were, but its okay, because I know I can still call him in the middle of the night. He never gives up. Even when he says he is going to, he will still pull through in the end.

Emily- She has known me the longest of any of my friends. She always makes me laugh, and her voice always makes me feel like home. From stories on the phone to dance shoes to crushes on 90s gay pop bands to love letters in the mail. Its love.

Jo- She knows what I mean without me saying anything. I can still call her when I have a bad dream. And she will still answer.

Courtney- She is like sunshine on a cloudy day. When it is cold outside, she is the month of may. (really.)Also, her kids rock so much it isn't even funny, as do the rest of her family to be quite honest.

And last but not least...

My grandma steph- When I talk to her I feel closer to my grandpa, and there are days when I need that more than I can describe. She is such a wonderful woman. Kind. Smart. Giving. Loving. A fantastic cook. A better story teller. And pretty much the greatest thing since indoor pluming.

Okay, so there are a few of the many people I love. I was going to do 100, but then I was lazy. Really though, there are so many people whom I could put on this list, and I am grateful for you all.

For everyone on this list, I love you.



Even if that makes me a slut.