Crushed

Today I feel defeated, completely and utterly defeated. I am currently sitting on my bed, working on creating a gigantic outline for work-one that I will hopefully finish by tomorrow morning, Zimm is laying on a pile of papers at my feet, and we are listening to Gilmore Girls-because it has been that kind of day. For the first time in a long time I had an anxiety freak out. (Luckily I have a couple of really good friends who help me keep it together.) 

Let me give you a little background-- it is going to be brief, so keep up. My aunt, who is really more like my older sister in every sense, is in the hospital. Since Sunday night. She isn't in the ICU anymore, she is in the Psych ward... which is better than the ICU. I, more than anything, want to give her a hug. I was going to go up there today, Adam had to go to Layton for a few days for a wedding, but she can't really have visitors... so I stayed. I miss him. He's been holding me together for the last few days. However, I am so incredibly glad he gets to go and spend time with his friends, really and truly. I think he needs it.

I want to hug my mom. I want to go to lunch with my sister. I want to hug my dad. I want... I want to have a conversation with my aunt, I want to understand why she made the choice she did. I want to call my uncle, and I want to ask him what he is doing, because we need to understand his intentions. I want to not cry. I want to focus.  

That is all. Thanks for listening.

Love Movies

Today I am sitting at my desk at work, working hard, of course, hard surfing the internet for some form of entertainment, because today my brain would lose in a memory battle with my new goldfish Ra's Al Ghul. By the by, goldfish is not accurate as that is technically his race, but he is silver, which is why I am immensely in love with him... Also, because now I can say things like, "Ugh, even Ra's Al Ghul does not approve of this debauchery. Look at him, he is turned in shame and horror." (It really happened, ask Adam. I laughed for hours after... Still laughed when I typed that. Sorry that no fish name will ever be as cool as this one name.) (Another side note on my side note, when we got home with the new family addition, Adam immediately searched for Egg-Bruce, who is of course the mini Batman DC Super Friend figurine I got for $0.25 at the Wal*mart last Easter, and who's name is Egg-Bruce because he came inside a plastic egg, and Egg-Bruce is super fun to say, but you have to have a hint of Scottish in your voice when you say it. Try it. I dare you. Back to the point of this side note side note, Adam found Egg-Bruce, cut his cape off, to avoid algae, and threw him in the fishbowl, so the two could have a life long existential struggle with one another. After examining the bowl for a second, Adam said, "We need a Joker... and a Two-Face." I freaking love that kid, so much. SO MUCH. Our kids are going to be the biggest nerds of all time, but someone, somewhere, will teach them self-defense... I hope. OR! Even better, they will grow up to be evil geniuses, and then all the second graders who wedgied them on the playgrounds will regret their actions. Perfect. Glad we settled that.)

ANYHOW. Tangents aside, let us recap: I am sitting at my desk surfing the interwebs. I found this article. For some reason I felt required to read it. Mostly out of some strange need to figure out how in the world the movie Titanic was responsible for someone's entire take on love, whilst trying not to mouth vomit, whilst secretly hoping that the Titanic part was all a joke. There was a lot happening at once, if you couldn't tell. So to answer your question, without you having to go and read the actual article, yes, Titanic did have a significant effect on the way she views and feels about love. Which, I feel is tragic... for her. But what does all of this have to do with you? Ahh, let me tell you my friend. It inspired me to create my own list. So, if you are into that sort of thing, let us venture down this particular rabbit hole. 

1. High Fidelity

I have no idea where to start my love affair with this movie, nor how to describe its subsequent effects on my idea of love since then. But I can tell you this, love is a mixtape. Love hurts. It is complicated and messy, and if you don't have to fight for it, or with it for that matter, it probably isn't worth it. 

Here is an example of their relationship:

Exhibit A:

Laura: I'm too tired not to be with you. 

Rob: What, so if you had a bit more energy we'd stay split up, but things being as they are, with you being wiped out and all, you want to get back together? Is that it?

Laura: Yeah.

Exhibit B:

Rob: John Dillinger was killed behind that theater in a hale of FBI gunfire. And do you know who tipped them off? His girlfriend. All he wanted to do was go to the movies.

But then things like this happen:

Exhibit A:
Rob: Top five things I miss about Laura. One: Sense of humor. Very dry but it can also be warm and forgiving. And she's got one of the best all time laughs in the history of all time laughs, she laughs with her entire body. Two: She's got character. Or at least she had character before the Ian nightmare. She's loyal and honest, and she doesn't even take it out on people when she's having a bad day. That's character. Three: I miss her smell, and the way she tastes. It's a mystery of human chemistry and I don't understand it, some people, as far as their senses are concerned, just feel like home. Four: I really dig how she walks around. It's like she doesn't care how she looks or what she projects and it's not that she doesn't care, it's just, she's not affected I guess, and that gives her grace. And five: She does this thing in bed when she can't get to sleep, she kind of half moans and then rubs her feet together an equal number of times... it just kills me. Believe me, I mean, I could do a top five things about her that drive me crazy, but it's just your garden variety women you know, schizo stuff, and that's the kind of thing that got me here.

Exhibit B:
Rob: I am tired of the fantasy, because it doesn't really exist. And there are never really any surprises, and it never really...

Laura: Delivers?

Rob: Delivers. And I'm tired of it. And I'm tired of everything else for that matter. But I don't ever seem to get tired of you, so...

Okay, I will stop filling you with lines you don't really care about, but I could go on for pages of them. This movie feels like home in that arena. It makes sense. It clicks. Somewhere.

Bonus: Sometimes this is how I feel about life, not necessarily about relationships, but life: "I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments"

2. Breakfast at Tiffany's

I love this movie.
I love Audrey.
I love George.
I love Cat.
I love the mean reds.
I love it all.

* Disclaimer, you are about to read the worst synopsis of this movie ever... So there is this writer, he once wrote something. It got published. He lost himself. He lost his desire. He moved to New York, he met a girl. A complicated, neurotic, mess of a girl. A girl who couldn't find a home where she fit, she couldn't even name her cat. They became friends. He started to write. He proposed. She ran. Far and fast. They met in a cab. He called her on her shit. She ran more. She threw the cat out in the rain. He ran out in the rain. She felt everything. She goes out in the rain. They search for the cat. They kiss in the rain, cat buried between their trench coats.

That moment, when she is frantically looking for the cat, because without the cat everything is wrong, I love that moment. Love is finding the cat. In the rain.

Side note, the love of your life will be your best friend. The one person you can be completely yourself around. And the one person you with whom you can be completely vulnerable.

3. That Thing You Do!

I remember watching this movie in sixth grade, okay, probably I watched this movie once a month until at least my junior year of high school. One day I was watching it, before a trip to the zoo, and my mom came in and said, "I have no idea when you got to be a romantic." I was astonished and embarrassed. I was not really into the chick-flick/rom-com genera, still probably not my favorite either, but it happens. Anyway, I was super surprised that is what she got from the movie. I was oblivious, which is probably why it had such an affect on me. What was she talking about? It was about the music. It was about rising and falling. It was about reaching your dreams before they are even fully developed in your mind. It was about a million other things. It was NOT a love story. Okay, okay, there is that kiss at the end, but it wasn't really about that. But then it hit me, it is about love. Once this was realized, I have never been able to take it back. Faye is in a horrible relationship, she is unhappy and doesn't realize it, maybe she realizes it, but she doesn't think about it, because its what she knows. Its comfortable. He treats her like crap though. Her best friend quickly becomes Guy. At the end of the movie, Guy races out of the hotel to find Faye standing on the curb. He asks her one question before she goes... "When was the last time you were good and kissed? I mean truly, truly, good and kissed?" She answers. They kiss. My entire existence, well since seeing that moment, all I wanted was to be truly, truly good and kissed. Oh that kiss. Here it is in all its glory. 

Okay, so there is my list of movies that have somehow twisted my version of love and romance.

This one was hard, mostly because I have an irrational fear of leaving something out, somehow in my head, this list is THE list of movies that inspired my ideas of love, the only movies that ever affected and skewed my views on love. Okay, i get it, that is not true, and no one reading this will think that. I hope.There are many that did not make the cut, many that should actually be on it. Some honorable mentions? 10 Things I Hate About You, Say Anything, Lady and the Tramp (weird, but true), Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink.

Things on My Mind

I haven't blogged in a long time. But, at first, that was because I was going to do an entire blog dedicated to my new, grown-up-all-by-myself apartment, and another one dedicated to my top favorite albums, and another one to update you about my new puppers, and another one to tell you my favorite songs, and another one to tell you how I suck as a writer, and another one to apologize to Mary for not writing when I told her I specifically would, and another one to come up with excuses. But every time I am at work and think about one of these things, I realize I have not the time or mental head space to compose such a thing. And I am sick of apologizing for things. So here are a few thoughts that have been going around in my head.

1. I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate that my friends have to struggle with horrible, knee-bending, gut-wrenching things. But more than that, I hate that it is not enough for me to just hug them to make it better or that I cannot do anything to fix what is happening in their individual lives. I wish I could. And it breaks my heart.

2. I have good friends. Friends who are there for me when I need them. Friends who know when I need ten feet or when I need a hug. Friends who stick by me, even when they think I am making poor choices. I like that about myself.

3. I want to do something great. Not spectacular or huge, but something that would inspire people. Mostly to be kind to others. I want to be that type of human. Not for recognition, but because, some days, I feel like I could be that type of human. (Other days I realize I need to shut my judgmental little mouth and realize that sometimes mean is cruel, not funny.)

4. My friend Jordan told me that she thinks that I have this great capacity to love people, and she said that when she thinks about people who embody love, she thinks of me. And I think that is the greatest compliment I have ever received. I hope, hope, hope, hope, that it is true.  And that she wasn't just saying it because she is my friend. But I want to be that person. So badly.

5. It isn't fair that some people can have babies and others cannot. I hate that. Why can't the world be fair?

6. I do not, for the life of me, understand why people can justify walking away from a long, intense friendship like it never happened.

7. Trent sent me this last week when I was particularly struggling with some things and in the midst of my heart aches and panic attacks and over-dramaticness, I forgot the essence of these things. I had to go to therapy for a while, to get over somethings, if you didn't know that, you do now. My therapist tried to drill this into my head, over and over and over again. I forgot it was true. I forgot that I didn't need to apologize for being emotional when things hurt. Actually, this is the conversation:

me: that first article reminds me of my therapist and sessions we had all the time, because she was basically telling me I did that to myself all the time, because i constantly apologize for myself, when i have nothing to be sorry for.

Trentward: yeah, thats part of why i wanted to share it with you. because you do do that a lot

me: i know.

Trentward: and like, its a real thing, and its okay to emotional. and i love you. thats all.

me: but after being in a relationship for six years with a person who CONSTANTLY did that, and for the six years of my life that I was trying to figure out myself and how to work with all of those things, it is really hard to get out of that habit. And i have been trying to. and i do okay with it for a while, but there are times, like this past week, when part of me gets so sick of hearing me cry and be an emotional basket case, even if i have reason to do so. and then, with the not sleeping thing, it becomes that much easier to slip into that place.

8. This makes me happy.

9. And this.

And that's all for now. Except, keep breathing. It will be okay, one day. Better than okay, because you deserve to be better than okay. Someone told me that once. I remind myself of it everyday. You should too.