Love Movies

Today I am sitting at my desk at work, working hard, of course, hard surfing the internet for some form of entertainment, because today my brain would lose in a memory battle with my new goldfish Ra's Al Ghul. By the by, goldfish is not accurate as that is technically his race, but he is silver, which is why I am immensely in love with him... Also, because now I can say things like, "Ugh, even Ra's Al Ghul does not approve of this debauchery. Look at him, he is turned in shame and horror." (It really happened, ask Adam. I laughed for hours after... Still laughed when I typed that. Sorry that no fish name will ever be as cool as this one name.) (Another side note on my side note, when we got home with the new family addition, Adam immediately searched for Egg-Bruce, who is of course the mini Batman DC Super Friend figurine I got for $0.25 at the Wal*mart last Easter, and who's name is Egg-Bruce because he came inside a plastic egg, and Egg-Bruce is super fun to say, but you have to have a hint of Scottish in your voice when you say it. Try it. I dare you. Back to the point of this side note side note, Adam found Egg-Bruce, cut his cape off, to avoid algae, and threw him in the fishbowl, so the two could have a life long existential struggle with one another. After examining the bowl for a second, Adam said, "We need a Joker... and a Two-Face." I freaking love that kid, so much. SO MUCH. Our kids are going to be the biggest nerds of all time, but someone, somewhere, will teach them self-defense... I hope. OR! Even better, they will grow up to be evil geniuses, and then all the second graders who wedgied them on the playgrounds will regret their actions. Perfect. Glad we settled that.)

ANYHOW. Tangents aside, let us recap: I am sitting at my desk surfing the interwebs. I found this article. For some reason I felt required to read it. Mostly out of some strange need to figure out how in the world the movie Titanic was responsible for someone's entire take on love, whilst trying not to mouth vomit, whilst secretly hoping that the Titanic part was all a joke. There was a lot happening at once, if you couldn't tell. So to answer your question, without you having to go and read the actual article, yes, Titanic did have a significant effect on the way she views and feels about love. Which, I feel is tragic... for her. But what does all of this have to do with you? Ahh, let me tell you my friend. It inspired me to create my own list. So, if you are into that sort of thing, let us venture down this particular rabbit hole. 

1. High Fidelity

I have no idea where to start my love affair with this movie, nor how to describe its subsequent effects on my idea of love since then. But I can tell you this, love is a mixtape. Love hurts. It is complicated and messy, and if you don't have to fight for it, or with it for that matter, it probably isn't worth it. 

Here is an example of their relationship:

Exhibit A:

Laura: I'm too tired not to be with you. 

Rob: What, so if you had a bit more energy we'd stay split up, but things being as they are, with you being wiped out and all, you want to get back together? Is that it?

Laura: Yeah.

Exhibit B:

Rob: John Dillinger was killed behind that theater in a hale of FBI gunfire. And do you know who tipped them off? His girlfriend. All he wanted to do was go to the movies.

But then things like this happen:

Exhibit A:
Rob: Top five things I miss about Laura. One: Sense of humor. Very dry but it can also be warm and forgiving. And she's got one of the best all time laughs in the history of all time laughs, she laughs with her entire body. Two: She's got character. Or at least she had character before the Ian nightmare. She's loyal and honest, and she doesn't even take it out on people when she's having a bad day. That's character. Three: I miss her smell, and the way she tastes. It's a mystery of human chemistry and I don't understand it, some people, as far as their senses are concerned, just feel like home. Four: I really dig how she walks around. It's like she doesn't care how she looks or what she projects and it's not that she doesn't care, it's just, she's not affected I guess, and that gives her grace. And five: She does this thing in bed when she can't get to sleep, she kind of half moans and then rubs her feet together an equal number of times... it just kills me. Believe me, I mean, I could do a top five things about her that drive me crazy, but it's just your garden variety women you know, schizo stuff, and that's the kind of thing that got me here.

Exhibit B:
Rob: I am tired of the fantasy, because it doesn't really exist. And there are never really any surprises, and it never really...

Laura: Delivers?

Rob: Delivers. And I'm tired of it. And I'm tired of everything else for that matter. But I don't ever seem to get tired of you, so...

Okay, I will stop filling you with lines you don't really care about, but I could go on for pages of them. This movie feels like home in that arena. It makes sense. It clicks. Somewhere.

Bonus: Sometimes this is how I feel about life, not necessarily about relationships, but life: "I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments"

2. Breakfast at Tiffany's

I love this movie.
I love Audrey.
I love George.
I love Cat.
I love the mean reds.
I love it all.

* Disclaimer, you are about to read the worst synopsis of this movie ever... So there is this writer, he once wrote something. It got published. He lost himself. He lost his desire. He moved to New York, he met a girl. A complicated, neurotic, mess of a girl. A girl who couldn't find a home where she fit, she couldn't even name her cat. They became friends. He started to write. He proposed. She ran. Far and fast. They met in a cab. He called her on her shit. She ran more. She threw the cat out in the rain. He ran out in the rain. She felt everything. She goes out in the rain. They search for the cat. They kiss in the rain, cat buried between their trench coats.

That moment, when she is frantically looking for the cat, because without the cat everything is wrong, I love that moment. Love is finding the cat. In the rain.

Side note, the love of your life will be your best friend. The one person you can be completely yourself around. And the one person you with whom you can be completely vulnerable.

3. That Thing You Do!

I remember watching this movie in sixth grade, okay, probably I watched this movie once a month until at least my junior year of high school. One day I was watching it, before a trip to the zoo, and my mom came in and said, "I have no idea when you got to be a romantic." I was astonished and embarrassed. I was not really into the chick-flick/rom-com genera, still probably not my favorite either, but it happens. Anyway, I was super surprised that is what she got from the movie. I was oblivious, which is probably why it had such an affect on me. What was she talking about? It was about the music. It was about rising and falling. It was about reaching your dreams before they are even fully developed in your mind. It was about a million other things. It was NOT a love story. Okay, okay, there is that kiss at the end, but it wasn't really about that. But then it hit me, it is about love. Once this was realized, I have never been able to take it back. Faye is in a horrible relationship, she is unhappy and doesn't realize it, maybe she realizes it, but she doesn't think about it, because its what she knows. Its comfortable. He treats her like crap though. Her best friend quickly becomes Guy. At the end of the movie, Guy races out of the hotel to find Faye standing on the curb. He asks her one question before she goes... "When was the last time you were good and kissed? I mean truly, truly, good and kissed?" She answers. They kiss. My entire existence, well since seeing that moment, all I wanted was to be truly, truly good and kissed. Oh that kiss. Here it is in all its glory. 

Okay, so there is my list of movies that have somehow twisted my version of love and romance.

This one was hard, mostly because I have an irrational fear of leaving something out, somehow in my head, this list is THE list of movies that inspired my ideas of love, the only movies that ever affected and skewed my views on love. Okay, i get it, that is not true, and no one reading this will think that. I hope.There are many that did not make the cut, many that should actually be on it. Some honorable mentions? 10 Things I Hate About You, Say Anything, Lady and the Tramp (weird, but true), Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink.

Bedtime

This is what it looks like when I go to bed. I just wanted to share it with y'all.

Yes, I am 25.75 years old. I do sleep in Tinkerbell sheets, that is the pillow of said sheets in the background. I also sleep with a stuffed bunny named Cilantro. She is a nudest, vegetarian, and also she is full of gay pride with her rainbow hair bows. She is in deep love with a the stuffie of my bff/wifey Rachel, hence the gay pride bows. Then there is Al. Al is a llama, he will answer to the name Alfred or Albert. He is also well versed in the likes of Judith Butler and Anton Chekhov. he is also a gift from the lovely Adam. Then finally, last but not least, Zombie. He is allergic to names and brains, so his life is real complicated. He is adopted to me from my other lover Trent.

And that is what happens in my bed. 

Thanks for tuning in. 

Tonight.

I left work a little late tonight, I didn't work at the second job, and I decided I wanted to make a Reuben sandwich for dinner... and I probably wanted some broccoli and sweet potato fries to go with it. (If you give a mouse a cookie...)

I rode my little bike across the street to Linn's to grab the necessary supplies before riding home. I marched up to the deli and asked for some corned beef and swiss, which the deli chickie kindly sliced for me, though she said it would be a few minutes as she had to open a new corned beef, so I should probably go finish the rest of my shopping. I can take a hint when I am hit upside the head with it. She didn't want me to stand awkwardly around and stare her down while she cut my meat. I get it. I hate when people stand over me and watch me do my job.

So I spent my time walking around random isles and I came to one endcap in particular. I swear to you, there was sunshine sprouting out from this endcap. I heard angelic voices. I was drawn to it. It was fate. I found Tinkerbell Ziploc baggies. That's right. TINKERBELL. ZIPLOC. BAGGIES.

I bought em. Don't you worry  your pretty little heads.

Anyway... The girls at the check stand only kind of judged me slash were real jealous about it.

Also... Here is a picture with me and my delicious sandwich.

Some Thoughts

I am sorry about my non-cohesive blogs as of late, but I feel as though they will keep happening for a while. I have had many a thought lately, and they all seem to want to come out in a giant brain-dump. So here goes.

1. This thought, or series of thoughts mostly comes from one place, and I have had so many dreams about this in the past week, I feel I need to find an outlet somewhere, so here is as good of place as any. There is exactly one thing that frustrates me more than anything in a friendship, and that is when someone breaks my trust. I do not generally care about the decisions you make, wait, that is wrong. I do care about the decisions you make, I want you to be happy. I want you to find peace. I want you to find joy. I want you to find love. I want you to be loved. However, I will be there to listen, to want to know about your life, I will want to lend a shoulder when things go wrong. But what frustrates me is when you cannot even be honest with me, or yourself for that matter. There is something definitely wrong when you have to tell mutual friends to keep others in the dark, especially when those friends have been there for you at your lowest. Once I somehow downloaded this giant virus onto my parents computer. I tried so hard to get it fixed before they came home, and even after they did, I wanted to pretend like nothing happened. My dad came into my room that night and asked me what had happened, and said to keep in mind that the biggest ally I had was his trust. In that instant I started bawling, not because I was afraid to get into trouble or because of what I had done, but because I had broken the trust with my dad. It is the MOST important factor we have in a relationship with someone else. Everything is based on that one simple fact. All I am trying to demonstrate here, albeit in a very passive-aggressive manner, but you probably don't read this anyway.

2. I guess this is also directed at a couple of specific people. I am glad you are happy together, I am glad you somehow are able to make each other better, or at least, I hope you do. However, I do not, will not, get sucked into your drama again. I will not go back to the place I once was, especially the place and person I was when I was with you. Because I was never fully myself, I was afraid to be who I was. You never respected me enough to let me be that person, to achieve the potential I had. I guess all of that is beside the point, or at least it is a sidenote. Mostly, I want you to understand that I am not the same person I was, and I hope you are not either. I hope that you really are happy. I hope that you can be a better person. I wish you the best of luck with things, but I am past the point of wanting to become a participant in your life. I would be lying if I said I didn't want to know how you were, or that sometimes the fact that I know nothing of your current life is so utterly strange and foreign to me that it almost feels like there is a hole. But we both know that it is for our own good. My own good. Maybe one day, years from now we will be able to say something to each other, but not now. You've burned that bridge too many times. Is that selfish? Perhaps a little, but everything inside me tells me no. And for once when it comes to you, I am going to listen.

Those might not have been the two best thoughts to throw together in the same post, but they are completely separate thoughts, and different people at that. Sometimes we have people in our lives who are toxic, the latter is dedicated to that person. I still want a relationship with the first, it is just frustrating to watch someone self destruct, and to push you away while doing it. Hopefully, these things make sense.

Thanks for listening.

One day soon, I will post happier thoughts.

Lately

I need to be better at blogging. I've kinda slacked it up, maybe that is what an appendix does, its the blogging organ.. I have been thinking about many things the last few days, so I feel like this blog is going to mostly be a brain dump.

I really, truly, wish that I could express my gratitude and my love for the people in my life lately. I am so very lucky to have so many people who love me, support me, pray for me, etc. I mean, I know I am loved... but feeling it all at once is so beautifully overwhelming. Thank you. I wish I had less cliche words for what I wish to say, but I do not. Please take that knowing I am 125% sincere.

Somewhere between being five and ten I learned the word, etc., and since that day I have been spelling it, ect. I do not know why.

Also, why is the saying half-assed? Seriously. Why? Can someone please explain that to me. For 17 years of my life I thought it was half-asked, which made sense to me. In my head it was when someone asked you to do something, but you only fulfill that request halfway. Half-asked. Once, on a sunny Sunday in the Beaverton 1st ward, I decided to use this phrase for the first time in my life. It resulted in my lovely Mom slapping her hand over my mouth and dragging me to the car. I still feel like I was unrighteously accused. No one taught me this phrase and what it meant, it is not my fault I misunderstood. I sort of still feel like a four-year old child who got caught eating her lollipop after falling in the grass. A bit shamed. A bit dirty.

A friend of mine recently posted something to the effect of, "liking music is juvenile." Dear Friend, You are entitled to your opinion. However, I disagree with all my heart. I cannot count the number of times in my life when music has been the only thing to make sense, the place where I can find words to express thoughts and feelings I am too inadequate to express. Yes, I know I do hide behind my music like a child behind the skirts of her mother, but it has rarely let me down. It edifies me. Nothing will change that.

Speaking of new music... The Decemberists have a new album out today. Go buy it. Or at least listen to it. The King Is Dead.

I am a really big nerd. While I was in bed for the past little bit here are the things I watched:
1) Zombie movies/ The Walking Dead
2) Firefly and Serenity
3) Battlestar Galactica (I know. You can judge me. Its fine.)
4) Barbra Streisand movie or two
5) Easy A
and I am going through Despicable Me withdrawals.

I got a new calling. I am the ward bulletiness. I like it.

Recently, the Heavenly Father and I have been talking. A lot. I like it more.

I am Ridiculous

It is 3:00 am and I am still awake. Why? I have no idea... though, I feel like it has something to do with the fact that I had a headache tonight. Instead of taking aspirin, or some other form of headache medication, on top of my current pain medication, I decided to drink a soda... for the first time in probably two weeks. Apparently, caffeine is doing wonders and keeping me awake. I am not really sure why I did this to myself. I feel like it was a bit of sabotage. I am so sorry myself. I honestly didn't mean to hurt us.

What have I done with my sleepless hours? Well a few things. One, I picked a new background for my blog. Two, decided I did not love the new background for my blog. Three, tried to remake my old background. Four, failed. Five, changed it just a little bit. Six, picked off most of my Steri-Strips... Sorry, Dr. Munford. I seriously could not handle them anymore. They were itchy. They were dirty. They pulled awkwardly at my skin. Finally, I am pretty sure they were giving me a rash... maybe I should have led with that fact. 

I need to be better at blogging. I thought doing the 30 Days of Truth thing would help me to accomplish this fact. Guess what? It made me not want to blog. I got bored, tired of questions that I felt ridiculous answering. Everything felt forced, and it was a feeling that I did not appreciate. I have seen some other 30 days of _______ and I might look into doing something similar in the future. However, I will be much more selective in the choosing of said monthly themes. 

Also, how do I know I am a nerd? Well... At Wal*Mart the other day, and I may have used a Firefly swear word. Being sentenced to bed rest with the entire season of Firefly will do that to you I suppose. 

Despicable Me

I have an obsession with this movie, and I am not kidding in the slightest. I have seriously watched it four times since I bought it on Wednesday night at 12 am. I LOVE it. And I bought it without seeing it... Redbox didn't carry it yet. But it was definitely worth the purchase.

If you have not seen it, go get it. Right now.

Update

Now they are talking about a conversation between the man she is having an affair with and the kids, about their abusive relationship when they were married. And how one of the children asked the man if he loved his mom, meaning the woman. The man replied that he did. The child then asked why he pushed his mom down the stairs when he was pregnant, but now they love each other. So... apparently she is having an affair with her ex husband, who doesn't engage in a relationship unless they are married, but did in this case. Also, she is leaving her current shoplifting husband for her ex husband. The children are very confused about the entire situation... and I personally do not blame them. One child is from the ex husband and the other is from current husband. The  ex husband child will not visit the other dads house, because he drinks. Apparently, this conversation happened as ex husband dad was drinking a beer as the two children discussed this, and why the ex husband child would not visit the current husband child's dad's house.

Somehow this is hilarious.

I really really feel this is ridiculous. Why would you have this conversation in loud voices on a plane?!

Also, I am slightly sorry for repeating all of this on Blogger. I just need someone to understand how odd this is.

Exciting Things

Here is a list of things that are currently happening in my life:

I am blogging from 33804 ft in the air.
I am listening to two things:
1. Colin singing "I was Meant for the Stage"
2. The dramatic lives of the women behind me. Don't believe me? Here is what they are talking about.
One woman is apparently in a poor marriage, based on lies from her husband. Her husband happens to be a shoplifter, just from the 7 Eleven and Wal*mart. For example, yesterday he emptied the pockets of an expensive purse, stuffing and all, and filled it with other expensive items, totaling $130. And the other day, he stole a $600 lawnmower. But do not fret. Her friend wants her to leave him. They both agree it is a good idea that she goes to the store managers and tell them about the situation, and if they catch him at it whilst he is with the children, to call the wife before they call protective services, as to not cause any trauma. Apparently, they are going to have a meeting with Neil, because he can help somehow, but it will be secret... You know to avoid the conflict of the rest of the office. The lady with the bad husband, will only be active in the church when the meeting times are between the hours of 11-2. Also, it is okay she had an affair because her marriage is based on lies and she found out about the lies BEFORE she started sleeping around on him. And who can blame her?

Seriously people, I cannot make this up. And one day, this will be a short story, so copyright. Boo-yah.

I have traveled 173 miles. I love internet on a plane. It is neat. I really really really love this little screen on the back of the seat in front of me which displays a little map of where we are, with updates as to our altitude, time to destination, and distance traveled. I am a little in love with it. I always try to pretend I know how far I have gone anyway.

That is all from the air.