I haven't blogged in a long time. But, at first, that was because I was going to do an entire blog dedicated to my new, grown-up-all-by-myself apartment, and another one dedicated to my top favorite albums, and another one to update you about my new puppers, and another one to tell you my favorite songs, and another one to tell you how I suck as a writer, and another one to apologize to Mary for not writing when I told her I specifically would, and another one to come up with excuses. But every time I am at work and think about one of these things, I realize I have not the time or mental head space to compose such a thing. And I am sick of apologizing for things. So here are a few thoughts that have been going around in my head.
1. I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate that my friends have to struggle with horrible, knee-bending, gut-wrenching things. But more than that, I hate that it is not enough for me to just hug them to make it better or that I cannot do anything to fix what is happening in their individual lives. I wish I could. And it breaks my heart.
2. I have good friends. Friends who are there for me when I need them. Friends who know when I need ten feet or when I need a hug. Friends who stick by me, even when they think I am making poor choices. I like that about myself.
3. I want to do something great. Not spectacular or huge, but something that would inspire people. Mostly to be kind to others. I want to be that type of human. Not for recognition, but because, some days, I feel like I could be that type of human. (Other days I realize I need to shut my judgmental little mouth and realize that sometimes mean is cruel, not funny.)
4. My friend Jordan told me that she thinks that I have this great capacity to love people, and she said that when she thinks about people who embody love, she thinks of me. And I think that is the greatest compliment I have ever received. I hope, hope, hope, hope, that it is true. And that she wasn't just saying it because she is my friend. But I want to be that person. So badly.
5. It isn't fair that some people can have babies and others cannot. I hate that. Why can't the world be fair?
6. I do not, for the life of me, understand why people can justify walking away from a long, intense friendship like it never happened.
7. Trent sent me this last week when I was particularly struggling with some things and in the midst of my heart aches and panic attacks and over-dramaticness, I forgot the essence of these things. I had to go to therapy for a while, to get over somethings, if you didn't know that, you do now. My therapist tried to drill this into my head, over and over and over again. I forgot it was true. I forgot that I didn't need to apologize for being emotional when things hurt. Actually, this is the conversation:
1. I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate that my friends have to struggle with horrible, knee-bending, gut-wrenching things. But more than that, I hate that it is not enough for me to just hug them to make it better or that I cannot do anything to fix what is happening in their individual lives. I wish I could. And it breaks my heart.
2. I have good friends. Friends who are there for me when I need them. Friends who know when I need ten feet or when I need a hug. Friends who stick by me, even when they think I am making poor choices. I like that about myself.
3. I want to do something great. Not spectacular or huge, but something that would inspire people. Mostly to be kind to others. I want to be that type of human. Not for recognition, but because, some days, I feel like I could be that type of human. (Other days I realize I need to shut my judgmental little mouth and realize that sometimes mean is cruel, not funny.)
4. My friend Jordan told me that she thinks that I have this great capacity to love people, and she said that when she thinks about people who embody love, she thinks of me. And I think that is the greatest compliment I have ever received. I hope, hope, hope, hope, that it is true. And that she wasn't just saying it because she is my friend. But I want to be that person. So badly.
5. It isn't fair that some people can have babies and others cannot. I hate that. Why can't the world be fair?
6. I do not, for the life of me, understand why people can justify walking away from a long, intense friendship like it never happened.
7. Trent sent me this last week when I was particularly struggling with some things and in the midst of my heart aches and panic attacks and over-dramaticness, I forgot the essence of these things. I had to go to therapy for a while, to get over somethings, if you didn't know that, you do now. My therapist tried to drill this into my head, over and over and over again. I forgot it was true. I forgot that I didn't need to apologize for being emotional when things hurt. Actually, this is the conversation:
me: that first article reminds me of my therapist and sessions we had all the time, because she was basically telling me I did that to myself all the time, because i constantly apologize for myself, when i have nothing to be sorry for.
Trentward: yeah, thats part of why i wanted to share it with you. because you do do that a lot
me: i know.
Trentward: and like, its a real thing, and its okay to emotional. and i love you. thats all.
me: but after being in a relationship for six years with a person who CONSTANTLY did that, and for the six years of my life that I was trying to figure out myself and how to work with all of those things, it is really hard to get out of that habit. And i have been trying to. and i do okay with it for a while, but there are times, like this past week, when part of me gets so sick of hearing me cry and be an emotional basket case, even if i have reason to do so. and then, with the not sleeping thing, it becomes that much easier to slip into that place.
9. And this.
And that's all for now. Except, keep breathing. It will be okay, one day. Better than okay, because you deserve to be better than okay. Someone told me that once. I remind myself of it everyday. You should too.
And that's all for now. Except, keep breathing. It will be okay, one day. Better than okay, because you deserve to be better than okay. Someone told me that once. I remind myself of it everyday. You should too.
