A Little Dramantic

I want to preface this post with a comment... This whole break up has had a lot of ups and downs, and I feel like the only two posts thus far are the downs. But please know that I have had overwhelming moments of hope and positive feelings. While there is hurt and pain and confusion, there is also excitement for something new... but I guess part of me feels guilty for that. Wanna know a secret? A few hours before the break up, I had the thought of how nice it would be to start again... to be able to find someone who made me feel comfortable and could give me the butterflies... someone who would tell me they loved me, without me having to ask. I guess that should have been my first clue. But, I thought he was trying to do better... was that a lie? Ugh. You see this pattern? For every good thought, there is another that creeps in. It is getting better a little every day, but it still happens, especially when I am left to my own devices for too long. Oh- that is another thing, I have to figure out what to do on my own again, how to be on my own again. That is the worst... and the best... I am doing it again. I am sorry. Let's get on with it, shall we?

So my last post may have been a bit emo and dramatic, but I will not deny that is how I was feeling at the time. It helped to write it though, writing down the feelings and sending them out into the universe. Breaking up with someone you have dated for nearly two years is hard. This particular break up seems to be harder than any of the ones I have had in the past, probably because some how, some part of me knows that this was for the best, and that makes it so extremely hard. Because I still love him, a part of me always will. He is my best friend, and I guess that is going to change. It hurts.

Sometimes this whole thing feels all consuming and very overwhelming. Mostly, that is when I lump everything together. Everything? Feeling like I am mourning someone I have loved more deeply than anyone before. Feeling disappointed, in both myself and in him. Feeling lost. Feeling terrified, I am 27 and am having to start over again. Seriously, that feels so old. I have no idea when I got to that point, but I am feeling it now. Somewhere along the lines, I have grown up. Feeling like my life is no where near the place I thought it would be at this point. Sure, there is the wife and kids thing, but beyond that, if you would have told me seven, even three years ago, that I would still be living in Cedar City, I probably wouldn't have believed you. Not because Cedar is a bad place, I love it here. Most of the time. But because being this far away from my family feels so hard sometimes. I cannot believe that I have lived so far away from them for this long. Don't get me wrong, I also feel like I have a great family here in Cedar... But there are times when I just miss Oregon like crazy. Especially the last few weeks. Call me a baby, but for once, it would be nice to be able to run from my problems. I have thought about moving home a million times, but I am not sure that is the answer to my problems either.

Mostly, I feel like I am having a mid-midlife crisis. I have even thought about what I am doing with my life, do I want to stay at LearnKey and see what else this path has in store for me? Do I want to go back to school? What about nursing? Or a master's degree? Or getting a master's in counseling? I think I might be good at that. I have this fear, maybe it is a feeling, maybe it is nothing, maybe fear is not at all the right word, but... What if I am in the wrong place right now? I have this overwhelming feeling that right now, at this point in my life, I need to figure out where I need to be. Cedar City? Salt Lake? Portland? Vancouver? None of the above? Where? What if I am missing something, someone? All of that leads me to two thoughts.

1. I am panicking about my future. Here is the deal: I want more than what I have. What does this mean? I want to feel satisfied with myself, happy with myself. I want to have a job/career that I find completely satisfying. I want to get married. I want to be loved by someone who will love me as much as I love them back, and not give that love away. Or let it dim. Is that too much to ask? I want to have a family. I want children. I want to be a mom... I want that so badly. What if I am in the wrong place for all of that to happen? Is that ridiculous?

Having said all of that, I know that I need to stop worrying about the when and work on the what.

2. This is what it comes down to- somewhere in the past two years I have lost some pieces of myself. Some important pieces. I was willing to give those pieces up for someone who I thought was willing to give up pieces of himself for me. At first it was like that. We both were striving to be better together, we had dreams. We dreamed of things together. I poured everything I had into this person. And he, for a while, poured himself into me. But somewhere, he stopped doing that.

If I am honest with myself, I knew the break up was coming, for probably the last two months or so. Because that is when he stopped investing into the relationship. Don't I deserve to be with someone who will not stop investing in our relationship? Someone who will want to introduce me to his friends? Someone who will want to tell me everything about their day? Someone who will love me so much, and I will love so much back, that neither one of us will have to compromise so much to be together? Someone who will keep his promises? Mostly, the main promise, the promise of being an eternal family? I know what was ultimately missing in our relationship... Someone who will do things to make me feel special and loved? More than anyone else. Someone who will put me first, because I put them first? And not that Adam didn't do these things. He did, for a long time. But... In the last few months, he hasn't been telling the truth. He hasn't been the same person I fell in love with. It is almost like a state of limbo. Where we were two friends stuck in this place. But at the same time, I feel like that is not the case. I was willing to give him another chance. I was willing to forgive him for a huge mistake he made. Two actually. I was willing to start over. I was willing to love him with everything I had. But, he closed a door and didn't open it all the way back up again. I think that is what hurts the most. Knowing that, on some level, I knew what was happening, but I was willing to fight like hell for it, and apparently, I was the only one. Is it okay to blame him that way? To point such a big finger at him that way? Is that fair? Am I wrong? And if that is the case, than why am I something he chose not to fight for? Why am I so easy to give up? Oh, that is such a horrible place to be. I try not to let myself be in that place for too long though. Those are thoughts that I got from someone else, someone toxic. I know that... but, on some levels I feel that way. That is why I have to talk to him again, that is why I have this need to ask him questions, find out what really happened.

Now let us get back to the rational parts. I know I need to do some work on myself right now. I need to fix what I have given up, and I need to get it back. I feel that with every ounce of me. That is the most important thing to do. And I will do that. I hope I will find the answers I need along the way... I will... right? 

A Rambling Mess

To you,

Today someone said the words that I have been really have summed up my greatest fears, “Brittni, it just makes me so sad, because there is no one in this world who was as perfect for you as Adam. I mean, just the way you met, it was all fate. And that makes me sad, because you don’t have that.” Maybe my wording here is slightly different, but that is what I took from it. And in all honesty, I worry that there are some really big truths in what she said. 

That hurts. 

Because the truth is, no one in my life has ever just understood me the way you did/do. I have never been able to instantly and simultaneously open up and trust someone in every single aspect of my life, the way I could with you. I wish you knew how terrifying this is for me. How much it hurts to lose you, my best friend. How is it that you talk about our future life and our future children one day, and telling me you love me more than anything in the world, to the next day when you cannot even look me in the eye when you tell me you love me? How does that happen? I have spent a week and a half trying to get through that single thought. Trying to figure out what choice was made between those events that changed the course of our futures.

There are moments when I blame myself for all of these things. I must have done something to make it so easy to walk away from me, from us, from our family, from our future. Maybe I should have given you more space. Maybe I shouldn’t have held you so tightly. Maybe I shouldn’t have worried about you so much. Maybe I shouldn’t have felt your pains as much as I did. The maybe I should haves and the maybe should not haves go on and on and on. Those are the moments I want to hate myself. Those are the times I regret the most, because I cannot and will not apologize for the way I love you. I will not apologize for the amount I love you. I will not apologize for dreaming so hard. I will not apologize for believing in you as much as I do.

There are moments when I look back at our entire relationship and look for the exact moment things changed. There are times when I look for the moment we made the choice to change it all. Sometimes I blame myself for not being strong enough or having the faith enough to keep us on the track that we should have been. That hurts too.

There are moments when I am nearly certain that you made some choice, did something, to cause the rift between us. There are days when I think you found someone else who completed you a little bit more than I ever could. There are days when I just want to call you and yell at you. I hate those moments too. Because I hate being mad at you. I hate being disappointed at you. I hate feeling like you would do those things.

Please tell me you didn’t.

There are  moments when I miss you more than anything I have ever missed and it feels like that missing is going to absolutely shatter me.

And then I have moments of clarity. Moments where I know that sometimes the distance between 22 and 27 is vast. Sometimes, they are 700,00,000 miles apart. I know you need to find yourself and your footing in this world. I wish you would have told me you were not happy in Cedar City. I wish you would have told me your other feelings any time before that day. I wish we could have fixed things. I wish we could have loved each other more. I wish we could have fixed it. But mostly, I wish you the best, because you deserve the best.

As for me and my fears, we have a long way to go, there are a lot of places that I need to repair myself. And, in all honesty, I need to do those repairs without you. Because they probably wouldn’t have been made with you. We will both be better for that. To complete the circle from above, I have to believe that my fear that you were the one person who fit me so perfectly is a lie. There will be someone else. Someone who fits me more perfectly than you ever could have. Some moments that hurts. Some moments I believe that, other moments I do not, could not ever even imagine it. I think that is where I am right now. Stuck between missing you and feeling like there could never be anyone else like you. But guess what, tomorrow is a new day, and there will probably be less hurt and more hope. I hope so at least. And one day, I will write about you. You will become another essay in my collection. Another poem. You were always going to become those things anyway, they are just different now. I have to accept that. We both do.

Please just don’t walk away forever. I am not asking for you to come back and declare your undying love. I am simply asking that maybe every once in a while you remember I exist and send me a message, because I want to know who and what you become.

You are my best friend.

I love you.

Thank you for what you have taught me.