I want to preface this post with a comment... This whole break up has had a lot of ups and downs, and I feel like the only two posts thus far are the downs. But please know that I have had overwhelming moments of hope and positive feelings. While there is hurt and pain and confusion, there is also excitement for something new... but I guess part of me feels guilty for that. Wanna know a secret? A few hours before the break up, I had the thought of how nice it would be to start again... to be able to find someone who made me feel comfortable and could give me the butterflies... someone who would tell me they loved me, without me having to ask. I guess that should have been my first clue. But, I thought he was trying to do better... was that a lie? Ugh. You see this pattern? For every good thought, there is another that creeps in. It is getting better a little every day, but it still happens, especially when I am left to my own devices for too long. Oh- that is another thing, I have to figure out what to do on my own again, how to be on my own again. That is the worst... and the best... I am doing it again. I am sorry. Let's get on with it, shall we?
So my last post may have been a bit emo and dramatic, but I will not deny that is how I was feeling at the time. It helped to write it though, writing down the feelings and sending them out into the universe. Breaking up with someone you have dated for nearly two years is hard. This particular break up seems to be harder than any of the ones I have had in the past, probably because some how, some part of me knows that this was for the best, and that makes it so extremely hard. Because I still love him, a part of me always will. He is my best friend, and I guess that is going to change. It hurts.
Sometimes this whole thing feels all consuming and very overwhelming. Mostly, that is when I lump everything together. Everything? Feeling like I am mourning someone I have loved more deeply than anyone before. Feeling disappointed, in both myself and in him. Feeling lost. Feeling terrified, I am 27 and am having to start over again. Seriously, that feels so old. I have no idea when I got to that point, but I am feeling it now. Somewhere along the lines, I have grown up. Feeling like my life is no where near the place I thought it would be at this point. Sure, there is the wife and kids thing, but beyond that, if you would have told me seven, even three years ago, that I would still be living in Cedar City, I probably wouldn't have believed you. Not because Cedar is a bad place, I love it here. Most of the time. But because being this far away from my family feels so hard sometimes. I cannot believe that I have lived so far away from them for this long. Don't get me wrong, I also feel like I have a great family here in Cedar... But there are times when I just miss Oregon like crazy. Especially the last few weeks. Call me a baby, but for once, it would be nice to be able to run from my problems. I have thought about moving home a million times, but I am not sure that is the answer to my problems either.
Mostly, I feel like I am having a mid-midlife crisis. I have even thought about what I am doing with my life, do I want to stay at LearnKey and see what else this path has in store for me? Do I want to go back to school? What about nursing? Or a master's degree? Or getting a master's in counseling? I think I might be good at that. I have this fear, maybe it is a feeling, maybe it is nothing, maybe fear is not at all the right word, but... What if I am in the wrong place right now? I have this overwhelming feeling that right now, at this point in my life, I need to figure out where I need to be. Cedar City? Salt Lake? Portland? Vancouver? None of the above? Where? What if I am missing something, someone? All of that leads me to two thoughts.
1. I am panicking about my future. Here is the deal: I want more than what I have. What does this mean? I want to feel satisfied with myself, happy with myself. I want to have a job/career that I find completely satisfying. I want to get married. I want to be loved by someone who will love me as much as I love them back, and not give that love away. Or let it dim. Is that too much to ask? I want to have a family. I want children. I want to be a mom... I want that so badly. What if I am in the wrong place for all of that to happen? Is that ridiculous?
Having said all of that, I know that I need to stop worrying about the when and work on the what.
2. This is what it comes down to- somewhere in the past two years I have lost some pieces of myself. Some important pieces. I was willing to give those pieces up for someone who I thought was willing to give up pieces of himself for me. At first it was like that. We both were striving to be better together, we had dreams. We dreamed of things together. I poured everything I had into this person. And he, for a while, poured himself into me. But somewhere, he stopped doing that.
If I am honest with myself, I knew the break up was coming, for probably the last two months or so. Because that is when he stopped investing into the relationship. Don't I deserve to be with someone who will not stop investing in our relationship? Someone who will want to introduce me to his friends? Someone who will want to tell me everything about their day? Someone who will love me so much, and I will love so much back, that neither one of us will have to compromise so much to be together? Someone who will keep his promises? Mostly, the main promise, the promise of being an eternal family? I know what was ultimately missing in our relationship... Someone who will do things to make me feel special and loved? More than anyone else. Someone who will put me first, because I put them first? And not that Adam didn't do these things. He did, for a long time. But... In the last few months, he hasn't been telling the truth. He hasn't been the same person I fell in love with. It is almost like a state of limbo. Where we were two friends stuck in this place. But at the same time, I feel like that is not the case. I was willing to give him another chance. I was willing to forgive him for a huge mistake he made. Two actually. I was willing to start over. I was willing to love him with everything I had. But, he closed a door and didn't open it all the way back up again. I think that is what hurts the most. Knowing that, on some level, I knew what was happening, but I was willing to fight like hell for it, and apparently, I was the only one. Is it okay to blame him that way? To point such a big finger at him that way? Is that fair? Am I wrong? And if that is the case, than why am I something he chose not to fight for? Why am I so easy to give up? Oh, that is such a horrible place to be. I try not to let myself be in that place for too long though. Those are thoughts that I got from someone else, someone toxic. I know that... but, on some levels I feel that way. That is why I have to talk to him again, that is why I have this need to ask him questions, find out what really happened.
Now let us get back to the rational parts. I know I need to do some work on myself right now. I need to fix what I have given up, and I need to get it back. I feel that with every ounce of me. That is the most important thing to do. And I will do that. I hope I will find the answers I need along the way... I will... right?
So my last post may have been a bit emo and dramatic, but I will not deny that is how I was feeling at the time. It helped to write it though, writing down the feelings and sending them out into the universe. Breaking up with someone you have dated for nearly two years is hard. This particular break up seems to be harder than any of the ones I have had in the past, probably because some how, some part of me knows that this was for the best, and that makes it so extremely hard. Because I still love him, a part of me always will. He is my best friend, and I guess that is going to change. It hurts.
Sometimes this whole thing feels all consuming and very overwhelming. Mostly, that is when I lump everything together. Everything? Feeling like I am mourning someone I have loved more deeply than anyone before. Feeling disappointed, in both myself and in him. Feeling lost. Feeling terrified, I am 27 and am having to start over again. Seriously, that feels so old. I have no idea when I got to that point, but I am feeling it now. Somewhere along the lines, I have grown up. Feeling like my life is no where near the place I thought it would be at this point. Sure, there is the wife and kids thing, but beyond that, if you would have told me seven, even three years ago, that I would still be living in Cedar City, I probably wouldn't have believed you. Not because Cedar is a bad place, I love it here. Most of the time. But because being this far away from my family feels so hard sometimes. I cannot believe that I have lived so far away from them for this long. Don't get me wrong, I also feel like I have a great family here in Cedar... But there are times when I just miss Oregon like crazy. Especially the last few weeks. Call me a baby, but for once, it would be nice to be able to run from my problems. I have thought about moving home a million times, but I am not sure that is the answer to my problems either.
Mostly, I feel like I am having a mid-midlife crisis. I have even thought about what I am doing with my life, do I want to stay at LearnKey and see what else this path has in store for me? Do I want to go back to school? What about nursing? Or a master's degree? Or getting a master's in counseling? I think I might be good at that. I have this fear, maybe it is a feeling, maybe it is nothing, maybe fear is not at all the right word, but... What if I am in the wrong place right now? I have this overwhelming feeling that right now, at this point in my life, I need to figure out where I need to be. Cedar City? Salt Lake? Portland? Vancouver? None of the above? Where? What if I am missing something, someone? All of that leads me to two thoughts.
1. I am panicking about my future. Here is the deal: I want more than what I have. What does this mean? I want to feel satisfied with myself, happy with myself. I want to have a job/career that I find completely satisfying. I want to get married. I want to be loved by someone who will love me as much as I love them back, and not give that love away. Or let it dim. Is that too much to ask? I want to have a family. I want children. I want to be a mom... I want that so badly. What if I am in the wrong place for all of that to happen? Is that ridiculous?
Having said all of that, I know that I need to stop worrying about the when and work on the what.
2. This is what it comes down to- somewhere in the past two years I have lost some pieces of myself. Some important pieces. I was willing to give those pieces up for someone who I thought was willing to give up pieces of himself for me. At first it was like that. We both were striving to be better together, we had dreams. We dreamed of things together. I poured everything I had into this person. And he, for a while, poured himself into me. But somewhere, he stopped doing that.
If I am honest with myself, I knew the break up was coming, for probably the last two months or so. Because that is when he stopped investing into the relationship. Don't I deserve to be with someone who will not stop investing in our relationship? Someone who will want to introduce me to his friends? Someone who will want to tell me everything about their day? Someone who will love me so much, and I will love so much back, that neither one of us will have to compromise so much to be together? Someone who will keep his promises? Mostly, the main promise, the promise of being an eternal family? I know what was ultimately missing in our relationship... Someone who will do things to make me feel special and loved? More than anyone else. Someone who will put me first, because I put them first? And not that Adam didn't do these things. He did, for a long time. But... In the last few months, he hasn't been telling the truth. He hasn't been the same person I fell in love with. It is almost like a state of limbo. Where we were two friends stuck in this place. But at the same time, I feel like that is not the case. I was willing to give him another chance. I was willing to forgive him for a huge mistake he made. Two actually. I was willing to start over. I was willing to love him with everything I had. But, he closed a door and didn't open it all the way back up again. I think that is what hurts the most. Knowing that, on some level, I knew what was happening, but I was willing to fight like hell for it, and apparently, I was the only one. Is it okay to blame him that way? To point such a big finger at him that way? Is that fair? Am I wrong? And if that is the case, than why am I something he chose not to fight for? Why am I so easy to give up? Oh, that is such a horrible place to be. I try not to let myself be in that place for too long though. Those are thoughts that I got from someone else, someone toxic. I know that... but, on some levels I feel that way. That is why I have to talk to him again, that is why I have this need to ask him questions, find out what really happened.
Now let us get back to the rational parts. I know I need to do some work on myself right now. I need to fix what I have given up, and I need to get it back. I feel that with every ounce of me. That is the most important thing to do. And I will do that. I hope I will find the answers I need along the way... I will... right?
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