A Rambling Mess

To you,

Today someone said the words that I have been really have summed up my greatest fears, “Brittni, it just makes me so sad, because there is no one in this world who was as perfect for you as Adam. I mean, just the way you met, it was all fate. And that makes me sad, because you don’t have that.” Maybe my wording here is slightly different, but that is what I took from it. And in all honesty, I worry that there are some really big truths in what she said. 

That hurts. 

Because the truth is, no one in my life has ever just understood me the way you did/do. I have never been able to instantly and simultaneously open up and trust someone in every single aspect of my life, the way I could with you. I wish you knew how terrifying this is for me. How much it hurts to lose you, my best friend. How is it that you talk about our future life and our future children one day, and telling me you love me more than anything in the world, to the next day when you cannot even look me in the eye when you tell me you love me? How does that happen? I have spent a week and a half trying to get through that single thought. Trying to figure out what choice was made between those events that changed the course of our futures.

There are moments when I blame myself for all of these things. I must have done something to make it so easy to walk away from me, from us, from our family, from our future. Maybe I should have given you more space. Maybe I shouldn’t have held you so tightly. Maybe I shouldn’t have worried about you so much. Maybe I shouldn’t have felt your pains as much as I did. The maybe I should haves and the maybe should not haves go on and on and on. Those are the moments I want to hate myself. Those are the times I regret the most, because I cannot and will not apologize for the way I love you. I will not apologize for the amount I love you. I will not apologize for dreaming so hard. I will not apologize for believing in you as much as I do.

There are moments when I look back at our entire relationship and look for the exact moment things changed. There are times when I look for the moment we made the choice to change it all. Sometimes I blame myself for not being strong enough or having the faith enough to keep us on the track that we should have been. That hurts too.

There are moments when I am nearly certain that you made some choice, did something, to cause the rift between us. There are days when I think you found someone else who completed you a little bit more than I ever could. There are days when I just want to call you and yell at you. I hate those moments too. Because I hate being mad at you. I hate being disappointed at you. I hate feeling like you would do those things.

Please tell me you didn’t.

There are  moments when I miss you more than anything I have ever missed and it feels like that missing is going to absolutely shatter me.

And then I have moments of clarity. Moments where I know that sometimes the distance between 22 and 27 is vast. Sometimes, they are 700,00,000 miles apart. I know you need to find yourself and your footing in this world. I wish you would have told me you were not happy in Cedar City. I wish you would have told me your other feelings any time before that day. I wish we could have fixed things. I wish we could have loved each other more. I wish we could have fixed it. But mostly, I wish you the best, because you deserve the best.

As for me and my fears, we have a long way to go, there are a lot of places that I need to repair myself. And, in all honesty, I need to do those repairs without you. Because they probably wouldn’t have been made with you. We will both be better for that. To complete the circle from above, I have to believe that my fear that you were the one person who fit me so perfectly is a lie. There will be someone else. Someone who fits me more perfectly than you ever could have. Some moments that hurts. Some moments I believe that, other moments I do not, could not ever even imagine it. I think that is where I am right now. Stuck between missing you and feeling like there could never be anyone else like you. But guess what, tomorrow is a new day, and there will probably be less hurt and more hope. I hope so at least. And one day, I will write about you. You will become another essay in my collection. Another poem. You were always going to become those things anyway, they are just different now. I have to accept that. We both do.

Please just don’t walk away forever. I am not asking for you to come back and declare your undying love. I am simply asking that maybe every once in a while you remember I exist and send me a message, because I want to know who and what you become.

You are my best friend.

I love you.

Thank you for what you have taught me.