The First Day

My dear dear housemate Mindy has started a 30 day blog fest of honesty and goodness... So naturally, I am stealing her idea. Here is the first day:

Something I hate about myself.

First of all let me just say how much I dislike this particular thing, admitting the things I completely and utterly dislike about myself. But in the name of honesty and truth, I will.

1. I am writer who doesn't write. Easy fix? Yes... kind of.

2. I cannot wrap a present for the life of me. Nor to save a birthday or christmas or any other special event. Seriously, it is a physical impossibility.

And this isn't even the worst one... it may be one of the better ones. You don't even get the full effect because you can't see the ridiculous wrinkles, edges, and lumps. Seriously. Lumps.

3. I pee. A lot. Especially at night. Wait, that sounds like I wet the bed. I do not do that. But I do have to get up and use the bathroom at least once a night. My bladder is the size of a pee.

4. I have no circulation, therefore, I am always freezing.

5. Apparently, once again according to Chelsey, I have tourettes when I don't eat. I also get real grumpy.

6. It is 12:38 and I am still awake.

That is it for tonight. Peace out kids.

Forgiveness.

First of all, I am stewing on a blog that is not all warm and touchy-feely. I swear it. It is just involving a lot more thought than is probably necessary. A couple of them actually... Be prepared.

But lately I have been thinking a lot about forgiveness, mainly because I need to learn how to do it. My wonderful Mom called me the other day, a few weeks ago actually. And told me that my birth grandmother, Emily, will be at Christmas this year. My instant response, as much as I am ashamed to admit it, was: "I will not call her Nana." (This is what she wants her grandchildren to call her.) "Pie used to call me that when we were little, because of Peter Pan, and it is a term of endearment that must be earned. Also, I will not tell her I love her, because I don't. How can I love her when she doesn't even know me, nor I her?" I think somewhere in there I mixed some things about how I didn't feel the way she treated my dad was right. And a grandmother is someone who is there your whole life, not just part of it. Also, my grandpa's wife Stephani, is my grandma. She is. I love her so very much, with every fiber of my being. So somehow in my mind, if I let this woman, the one I don't even know, into my life, it will be a form of betrayal.

I was talking to my sister later in the week, and she basically said that she will not speak to her unless she was directly spoken to. And I was so bothered by this, especially since I am currently on one of my "See everyone with the pure love of Christ" kicks. So I am a big fat hypocrite.

Church yesterday was all about forgiving and repentance. A lot of the girls in Relief Society focused on how they needed to repent for having hard feelings against different people in their lives. The whole bit about drinking poison and expecting it to kill someone else. Its ridiculous. But there I was sitting in my chair with so much frustration and hurt, and down right anger.

I hate the way she treats my dad. My dad in no way deserves the things she has done to him. My mom uses the excuse that she has some severe mental issues. Okay. Fine. Great. But, I honestly do not feel that is an appropriate excuse to treat your son like a stranger in your family. Or to not meet your grandchildren for years. To ultimately treat these people like they have never existed. My dad has overcome a lot of his issues with her, so why can't I? Except, I feel like I watch him try to let her in, and then she does something to hurt him and push him away.

I could care less if she hurts me. Sure it hurts that she wouldn't want to get to know me over the years, but guess what? I am not hurting for grandparent love. My Grandma loves me. And she has since the day we met. And I have never doubted that. My grandparents on my mom's side love me too. My Grandpa was/is an amazing man, and he loves/loved me so much. But what I cannot stand is how much she hurts, or hurt, my dad.

How do I forgive someone like this?

I mean, obviously I could do better to pray for help. I know I can get help that way. It doesn't make it any easier.

Am I a horrible person?

Growing

I have decided that since I don't always get the chance to bare my testimony at church, rather, I don't always take the opportunity to do so, I would share it every fast and testimony Sunday. I figured if I am going to share my entire self on this blog, I needed to share that as well.

I am so grateful for temples. I have only recently been able to go inside the temple and to participate in the great work that is done there in. I am still trying to break everything down and understand it. Yes, I will admit that there are parts which still feel awkward. However, I know with absolute surety that the temple is the house of the Lord. It does not matter the purpose I go, I always feel so very happy when I enter those doors. I fill up with a sense of peace and happiness, that I rarely find anywhere else. Our Heavenly Father loves us so much, and as I stand in those holy walls, I become aware of His love.

This week I have had the chance to go to the temple twice. Once to attend an Endownment session and once to participate in Baptisms for the Dead. I have not done this since I was seventeen or maybe even eighteen. I forgot what it was like. It was so neat to be able to sit in the youth chapel with two out of my three housemates, all of us dressed in white. We sang a few hymns, and the Spirit was so strong.

I also love the Priesthood. I cannot put into words how amazing it is, the power and protection that it gives us. Sometimes, I get very homesick. Very homesick. And I think part of that homesickness comes from not being able to have the Priesthood in my home, but I love going places where there is a worthy Priesthood holder. And I am so excited for the day that I can have that in my home every single day.

This week I have also been thinking a lot about the pure love of Christ, and most of that has come through some meetings we have been having at work. We have been having a lot of tension in our office, many barriers between teams and people, none of them good. There has been a huge us against them mentality, and you can feel it when you walk in.

While sitting in this two part, four and a half hour meeting, I felt the prompting that I was not making it a priority in my life to see people through the eyes that our Heavenly Father and Christ would see them. I haven't been praying to be able to have this gift or praying that I can recognize it. That was wrong. I know that I, myself, have been a cause of this contention, and it is simply because I have let go of that one small thing in my prayers. To be completely honest, I have been extremely lax in my prayers. This meeting started putting things into perspective for me. I don't hate the people whom I was having issues with, in fact there was a point where I was able to see the good in them. But somehow I let myself focus only on the bad things. I got caught up in my pride, and began to think that I, or my team, was being wronged on all sides. I got defensive and jumped easily to offense. I lost sight of how Christ sees these individuals, I stopped looking for their goodness.

And from the bottom of my heart, I apologize. I am sorry to those with whom I was quick to anger. To those of whom I spoke ill. I am sorry that I have not put Christ and my Father first. I am sorry that I have been selfish and prideful. I can only hope that you will forgive me, and that together we can move forward.

Another part of this comes from watching the trials with which my friends struggle. I know that when I pray for them and about them, I get the distinct feeling of just a small portion of how much our Father in Heaven loves them, loves you. Last month, one of my friends and I were able to kneel together and pray about a particular situation. We were asking a direct question, one I expected to get a firm yes or no on. Guess what? That is not what happened at all. I got repeatedly told to express how much this individual was loved by their Heavenly Father. I like to think I got a glimpse of that love. But even more amazing, was that I had the over-whelming feeling that we are all loved this much, and much more, by our Savior and by our Heavenly Father. That is such a beautiful, wonderful gift. And I am so thankful I had that experience.

One of my very favorite memories of my dad is as follows. He was working in an apartment, painting I think. My mom had me take him dinner or a maybe just a Pepsi. I was sitting on a paint bucket, watching him finish the wall on which he was working. We were talking about a new calling I had just received, my first calling ever. He told me to remember how important it was to serve others. I nodded and mumbled that I knew. He stopped painting and he looked at me for a long minute. He then explained that that the most important thing we can do in this life is to love others, and to truly love them. It wasn't enough to go through the motions of loving someone, although sometimes by going through the motions, we could learn how to love them. But more important was to pray for the ability to TRULY love others, to earnestly seek to find the good, and to love them no matter their choices, past, present, or future. It is never our place to pass judgement. I remember that has he spoke, I felt the spirit more strongly than I had in my entire life, I think we both did. And then he went back to painting the wall.

I have never forgotten that moment. I know that I have not been perfect with this, not even close, I am striving for it. And I will do my best best do to it, some days are better than others. I think that is okay. I am just thankful I have a dad who would take the time to teach me such a powerful lesson. I love him so much.

With all that having been said, I am going to try something this month. I am going to work harder to see people through His eyes. I am going to try harder to bite my tongue and be less prideful. I probably won't be prefect, so please bare with me. But even if I do just a little bit better, I will call that good. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Day Light Savings-What?

Today is daylight savings time. Usually my favorite day of the year... Except today I am so tired i cannot keep my eyes open, or can I?

Yes, it is 1am. And no, I am not sure if that is before or after the time change. I feel like I may have missed it somehow and now its 1. Either way, I am still awake after wanting to go to bed at 9pm. Blah.

A Find

I was talking to Wyett today. He showed me an article on someone's blog, and I am absolutely in love with it. When I got back to my computer I found that Trent sent it to me as well, so it means it is neat.

In school, I studied about gender. Specifically, homosexuality. I still study it. I love learning about gender. I love learning about sexuality too, and the social effects it has. I do not mean to get into any political debates, or moral issues, what have you. But I do think that there is a very important message here, so I am sharing it. I have many many questions, and very little answers. I continue to study and be fascinated by this topic. Gender is a strange animal. And we are strange with it. All of that aside, I just think ultimately we all need to practice a much more love and a ton less judgement, but that is just my opinion. (I am trying to work on this myself, I promise.)

Without further introduction here is the link, but please take the time to read it: My Son is Gay

Rachie.

I just want you to all know and understand how much I admire Miss Rachel Yates Wilde.






*She is by far one of the, if not THE, strongest person I know.

*She is handed things, I cannot even imagine, and handles them with grace.



*She is freaking hil.ar.i.ous.

*She always listens and understands.

*She has her own opinions about everything, and she sticks to them.

*She never judges me too harshly.

*She tells me when I am being a dumb ass. Which, lets face it, is often.

*She makes my workdays seem shorter and bearable.

*She has seen me at my worst and at my best, and she loves me either way.

*She understands a lot of things that many other people don't even have an idea about, she will know what this means.

*She won't judge me that this is in bulleted list.

*She has a huge heart.

*She LOVES animals, and is a great mom to an awesome dog.

*She has an amazing husband. (Check out his royal hotness here)

*She has one of the best cousins ever... at least i wish i could be up in that cousin combo. Thankfully, I just get to be a side lover to them both. Nothin wrong with a little cousin lovin.

*She is talented.

*She can rock any song given to her, really, try it. Girls got some chords... of the vocal style.

*I never knew her mom, but I wish that I could have. To one thank her for creating one of my very best friends. Two, because if Rachel is anything like her mom at all, I want to know that person, I want to have been in that light, even if just for a moment.

*When things seem too hard to move or breath, she breaths and moves. And is constantly reminding me, through her example, that nothing is unbearable.

*She gives me faith when I have little of it for myself.

These are just a few reasons. But I really do love her.

Dreams

I have weird dreams. All the time. But I like it.

I had a dream that I was the vampire slayer and Wyett was my watcher. We fought gigantic mosquitoes… And we won.

Most recently I had a dream in which I got a call to serve a mission in Sweden. Rock on. So I went to the MTC, with no preparation mind you. In fact, once I got to the MTC, I realized that everyone else had a ton of missionary equipment, and I had nothing. Which caused a panic in my life. I wrote home, no actually I think I called, and told them to buy me mission stuff ASAP. They did. Now when I say I had nothing, I really mean I had almost nothing, because like every good prepared missionary, I of course brought my pet bunny. Why? I had a prompting. I also brought my best friend, welcome to the dream Trent. Because we all need companions, and I needed someone with whom I could spend 24/7. Naturally, Trent was that person. Also, Mindy got her mission call, and we were going to be roomies. She brought Dan, her best friend, as her companion. After a few days of hanging out in the MTC, there was a murder. Dun. Dun. Dun! (Oh the intrigue, right?)Naturally, everyone had to go and sit on the grass outside until the police were finished investigating. Everyone, with the exception of the Dream Team that is. We were exactly like the Scooby Gang. Shaggy-Dan, goofy and a little add, sorry for the dream judge dan. Freddie-Mindy, the leader slash trap setter. Velma-Me, awkward, says, "jinkies", and loses her glasses all the time. Daphne- Trent attractive and danger-prone. Scooby-doo? Tortoise. Shy, cuddly, loves treats. We were on the case. Tort led us to the killer, by sniffing the chemicals used in the murder. This mad the killer real angry, and she went after Trent. Have no fear, Mindy and I beat her with tennis racquets. We then attended a press conference, in which we relieved the killer's identity, and were asked to be the Missionary Special Task Team... meaning if there was any crime which involved missionaries anywhere, we investigated.

Last night, I had a dream that the world was ending. Trent and I were tasked with letting everyone know about. Naturally, we chose to spread the news through social networking sites. My first thought when I woke up was, who else should we warn? No one was the answer.

Okay, this is just a couple of my weird dream adventures, but I have weird dreams ALL the time. I'll keep posting them.


but in the meantime, sorry kid who I have wildly inappropriate dreams about all the time. I don't mean to be this awkward, its my subconscious. And yes, I am embarrassed to look you in the eye the next day.

A Little Happy.

So I have a new love in my life, well new isn't exactly the right word for it. I have had it for a while, and it is about time we talk about it.

I love zombies. I love them. LOVE.

Today, while I was staying home sick from work, I watched a bunch of old zombie movies, and the first episode of The Walking Dead. I recommend it. Here is just a little picture preview:



That is right. Western plus zombies. But it isn't all western. Just mostly awesome.

On a sidenote, I am really excited about the shows AMC is currently doing. Mad Men is freaking amazing. I have heard good things about Breaking Bad as well, but haven't watched.

Anyhow. Watch The Walking Dead. Do it. Love it.

Also, I just took The Walking Dead Survival Test-twice. I got the same result:

My survival skills rank as a father figure.

Go figure.