Forgiveness

Today I am thankful for the power of forgiveness. The fact that we are able to be completely forgiven for all of our sins is an amazing thing, but more amazing is the power we have to forgive others.

I was sitting in the temple yesterday and I realized that I have forgiven a certain individual for everything he put me through. It does not mean that I have forgotten everything, I don't think I should. I need to remember a lot of the things that happened, so I can never make those mistakes again, so I can never put myself in that particular situation again. I just feel that I was given an amazing gift, and once I realized I had been able to forgive him, a huge weight was taken off my shoulders.

I am so grateful.

If you would have told me two months ago I would realize all these things, I probably wouldn't have believed you. But I am glad to be here now, in this place. 

Be Still Be Still Be Still

Another month has passed, and it was once again the day set aside to bare testimonies. This month has been really hard for me in a lot of ways. I had some news delivered to me that I chose not to handle very well. It came at a time when I was getting very low amounts of sleep at night and was stressing out about getting a baby shower 100% perfect. Naturally, I took all of that out on the news I was given. And I got very angry, narrow-minded, and self-centered.

He got married, and for some reason I had an extreamly hard time dealing with that fact. It was not the fact that He was leaving me behind, nor was it the fact that he is happy. In all honesty, I hope that he is happy. What hurts the most is that he got to do it first. I have tried so hard to work on myself and my testimony, and piece together all of the elements of me that he tore apart, and he gets to be the one rewared first. Yes, you can tell me that he may not really be happy. Or tell me about all of the things he lost and the changes he went through. Some good. Some bad. But there is still part of me that felt this way. There was still a part of me that couldn't help but feel as though he remained unaffected by me. See? I was being ridiculous. 

That week Chelsey was taking part two of the CPA exam, and she suggested that with everything that I had been going through, I go down and go to the temple while she took her test. I realized that if someone was looking at me and seeing the peace that I obviously needed, and was willing to point that out to me, I should take that as a sign to do so. I am so grateful to her for suggesting it.

I was able to be in the temple for about four and a half hours. I know that sounds like a ridiculously large amount of time, and I guess it was, but it was very much needed. While I was there, I had the distinct feeling that I needed to stop and be still, and to remember that He is God. The thought kept going through my head. Be still. Be still. Be still. Know that I am God. Trust in me. And then a flood of peace.

I left the temple and I felt so peaceful and calm... for about 20 minutes. And then I felt more angry than I can ever remember feeling. It was awful. I had to call my mom and get her to calm me down. I was shaking and I just wanted to break something. It was so horrible, especially after the experience of peace and comfort I felt earlier. My mom reminded me that I needed to spend a little time listening to the promptings that I had received earlier, and I needed to let go of the things that were making me so angry. Also, that after we are given a gift as I had been, there often comes an equal temptation or something from the other side. 

My favorite book, as all of you know, is Where the Wild Things Are. I love the moment where Max yells at the Wild Things to be still. I have had a lot of unstill moments in my life, and a lot of unexpected Wild Things, I guess we all do in our own ways. There have been so many times that I have pulled the blankets over my head and whispered, "be still be still be still," hoping to find some light. And often times I have been a Wild Thing. There have been many times, that I know I have been blessed with moments where things were still. Moments where even in the midst of chaos, I felt peace and calm. 

Today, I was talking to Trent and trying to suppress the giant freak out about my life, and the fact that I feel like I have little to nothing to show for the past few years of my life. And this moment of, be still be still be still popped into my head again. 

I need to be more patient. I need to realize that He has his own time line. That there is a reason for things. I understand that. 

But even more, right now, I understand that instead of freaking out and crying myself to sleep or jumping into self-pitty mode, I can be still. I can pray. I can find peace in the fact that He is God and through him all things are made possible. I can find the light. I just have to be willing to be still, be still, be still.

Growing

I have decided that since I don't always get the chance to bare my testimony at church, rather, I don't always take the opportunity to do so, I would share it every fast and testimony Sunday. I figured if I am going to share my entire self on this blog, I needed to share that as well.

I am so grateful for temples. I have only recently been able to go inside the temple and to participate in the great work that is done there in. I am still trying to break everything down and understand it. Yes, I will admit that there are parts which still feel awkward. However, I know with absolute surety that the temple is the house of the Lord. It does not matter the purpose I go, I always feel so very happy when I enter those doors. I fill up with a sense of peace and happiness, that I rarely find anywhere else. Our Heavenly Father loves us so much, and as I stand in those holy walls, I become aware of His love.

This week I have had the chance to go to the temple twice. Once to attend an Endownment session and once to participate in Baptisms for the Dead. I have not done this since I was seventeen or maybe even eighteen. I forgot what it was like. It was so neat to be able to sit in the youth chapel with two out of my three housemates, all of us dressed in white. We sang a few hymns, and the Spirit was so strong.

I also love the Priesthood. I cannot put into words how amazing it is, the power and protection that it gives us. Sometimes, I get very homesick. Very homesick. And I think part of that homesickness comes from not being able to have the Priesthood in my home, but I love going places where there is a worthy Priesthood holder. And I am so excited for the day that I can have that in my home every single day.

This week I have also been thinking a lot about the pure love of Christ, and most of that has come through some meetings we have been having at work. We have been having a lot of tension in our office, many barriers between teams and people, none of them good. There has been a huge us against them mentality, and you can feel it when you walk in.

While sitting in this two part, four and a half hour meeting, I felt the prompting that I was not making it a priority in my life to see people through the eyes that our Heavenly Father and Christ would see them. I haven't been praying to be able to have this gift or praying that I can recognize it. That was wrong. I know that I, myself, have been a cause of this contention, and it is simply because I have let go of that one small thing in my prayers. To be completely honest, I have been extremely lax in my prayers. This meeting started putting things into perspective for me. I don't hate the people whom I was having issues with, in fact there was a point where I was able to see the good in them. But somehow I let myself focus only on the bad things. I got caught up in my pride, and began to think that I, or my team, was being wronged on all sides. I got defensive and jumped easily to offense. I lost sight of how Christ sees these individuals, I stopped looking for their goodness.

And from the bottom of my heart, I apologize. I am sorry to those with whom I was quick to anger. To those of whom I spoke ill. I am sorry that I have not put Christ and my Father first. I am sorry that I have been selfish and prideful. I can only hope that you will forgive me, and that together we can move forward.

Another part of this comes from watching the trials with which my friends struggle. I know that when I pray for them and about them, I get the distinct feeling of just a small portion of how much our Father in Heaven loves them, loves you. Last month, one of my friends and I were able to kneel together and pray about a particular situation. We were asking a direct question, one I expected to get a firm yes or no on. Guess what? That is not what happened at all. I got repeatedly told to express how much this individual was loved by their Heavenly Father. I like to think I got a glimpse of that love. But even more amazing, was that I had the over-whelming feeling that we are all loved this much, and much more, by our Savior and by our Heavenly Father. That is such a beautiful, wonderful gift. And I am so thankful I had that experience.

One of my very favorite memories of my dad is as follows. He was working in an apartment, painting I think. My mom had me take him dinner or a maybe just a Pepsi. I was sitting on a paint bucket, watching him finish the wall on which he was working. We were talking about a new calling I had just received, my first calling ever. He told me to remember how important it was to serve others. I nodded and mumbled that I knew. He stopped painting and he looked at me for a long minute. He then explained that that the most important thing we can do in this life is to love others, and to truly love them. It wasn't enough to go through the motions of loving someone, although sometimes by going through the motions, we could learn how to love them. But more important was to pray for the ability to TRULY love others, to earnestly seek to find the good, and to love them no matter their choices, past, present, or future. It is never our place to pass judgement. I remember that has he spoke, I felt the spirit more strongly than I had in my entire life, I think we both did. And then he went back to painting the wall.

I have never forgotten that moment. I know that I have not been perfect with this, not even close, I am striving for it. And I will do my best best do to it, some days are better than others. I think that is okay. I am just thankful I have a dad who would take the time to teach me such a powerful lesson. I love him so much.

With all that having been said, I am going to try something this month. I am going to work harder to see people through His eyes. I am going to try harder to bite my tongue and be less prideful. I probably won't be prefect, so please bare with me. But even if I do just a little bit better, I will call that good. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.