Be Still Be Still Be Still

Another month has passed, and it was once again the day set aside to bare testimonies. This month has been really hard for me in a lot of ways. I had some news delivered to me that I chose not to handle very well. It came at a time when I was getting very low amounts of sleep at night and was stressing out about getting a baby shower 100% perfect. Naturally, I took all of that out on the news I was given. And I got very angry, narrow-minded, and self-centered.

He got married, and for some reason I had an extreamly hard time dealing with that fact. It was not the fact that He was leaving me behind, nor was it the fact that he is happy. In all honesty, I hope that he is happy. What hurts the most is that he got to do it first. I have tried so hard to work on myself and my testimony, and piece together all of the elements of me that he tore apart, and he gets to be the one rewared first. Yes, you can tell me that he may not really be happy. Or tell me about all of the things he lost and the changes he went through. Some good. Some bad. But there is still part of me that felt this way. There was still a part of me that couldn't help but feel as though he remained unaffected by me. See? I was being ridiculous. 

That week Chelsey was taking part two of the CPA exam, and she suggested that with everything that I had been going through, I go down and go to the temple while she took her test. I realized that if someone was looking at me and seeing the peace that I obviously needed, and was willing to point that out to me, I should take that as a sign to do so. I am so grateful to her for suggesting it.

I was able to be in the temple for about four and a half hours. I know that sounds like a ridiculously large amount of time, and I guess it was, but it was very much needed. While I was there, I had the distinct feeling that I needed to stop and be still, and to remember that He is God. The thought kept going through my head. Be still. Be still. Be still. Know that I am God. Trust in me. And then a flood of peace.

I left the temple and I felt so peaceful and calm... for about 20 minutes. And then I felt more angry than I can ever remember feeling. It was awful. I had to call my mom and get her to calm me down. I was shaking and I just wanted to break something. It was so horrible, especially after the experience of peace and comfort I felt earlier. My mom reminded me that I needed to spend a little time listening to the promptings that I had received earlier, and I needed to let go of the things that were making me so angry. Also, that after we are given a gift as I had been, there often comes an equal temptation or something from the other side. 

My favorite book, as all of you know, is Where the Wild Things Are. I love the moment where Max yells at the Wild Things to be still. I have had a lot of unstill moments in my life, and a lot of unexpected Wild Things, I guess we all do in our own ways. There have been so many times that I have pulled the blankets over my head and whispered, "be still be still be still," hoping to find some light. And often times I have been a Wild Thing. There have been many times, that I know I have been blessed with moments where things were still. Moments where even in the midst of chaos, I felt peace and calm. 

Today, I was talking to Trent and trying to suppress the giant freak out about my life, and the fact that I feel like I have little to nothing to show for the past few years of my life. And this moment of, be still be still be still popped into my head again. 

I need to be more patient. I need to realize that He has his own time line. That there is a reason for things. I understand that. 

But even more, right now, I understand that instead of freaking out and crying myself to sleep or jumping into self-pitty mode, I can be still. I can pray. I can find peace in the fact that He is God and through him all things are made possible. I can find the light. I just have to be willing to be still, be still, be still.