Day 4

Today is something I have to forgive someone else for, and this one is a little bit more tricky than the first. Because the few things I can think I need to forgive others for, I have also worked really hard on doing. And then there was that time I wrote this blog…

So maybe I still need to forgive Emily, though it is hard to do when I don’t even know why I am upset in the first place. Well, I know why. I am upset she hurt my dad. I am upset she hurt my Grandpa. I am upset she has not had an interest in my life, except for when it somehow conveniently into her life. But you know what else? I am not concerned about it enough that I carry the weight of it around with me, nor do I dwell on the fact that I have no relationship with this woman. Part of me feels like I haven’t the feelings to even warrant that much. Sorry. I don’t mean to be cold or hurtful. I honestly don’t. I just haven’t put much time into it yet.

 I wrote this letter, just now:

Dear Emily,

You can’t show up once when I am sixteen and expect me to call you Nana and tell you how much I love you. I do not know you. You do not know me.

I cannot help but ask the question, where were you for the first sixteen years. Once you answer that question, tell me where you have been the past ten years? I am almost twenty-five.

Maybe that is what this all boils down to. The fact that there has been no effort made. Sure, I can talk to you once every five years on Christmas, and we can fane interest in one another. Oh, and I guess we can see each other once every 10-16 years. No, you are right. I haven’t tried to make a huge effort to get to know you either. A lot of that stems from the fact that I have no idea how to get in touch with you.

Yes, I find it easy to love a lot of people. Believe it or not, it does take a while for that love to happen. Maybe not even a long while, but at least longer than meeting you once in my life. I don’t even remember what we talked about when you were here. And again, I was sixteen. I graduated from high school and college. Can you even tell me what I graduated in? Probably not.

But I can’t really tell anyone anything about you either. Other than you live in Texas and you have breast cancer, and I have heard rumors of a mental illness, but I can’t even say that with absolute surety. I can tell you that my dad wants to have a relationship with you, and is trying to do so as hard as he can, despite the fact that when you told his sisters you had breast cancer, and he was visiting at the time, you pulled them into a room and told them the news, while he waited in the living room. Despite the fact that you haven’t talked to him in the same amount of time you have not talked to me.

Basically, if/when I forgive you for these things, it will be because I love my dad more than I have hard feelings against you. It will be out of respect for him. Maybe only initially. Actually, I hope only initially. Perhaps, one day, we can have a relationship. And maybe I will learn how to respect you for you, and not out of consideration for my dad’s feelings.

Brittni.

Now I am not trying to hurt anyone’s feelings here, especially not Emily’s, I am just trying to find a way to work through my thoughts and feelings. I think this helped. And in respect of the 30 Days of Honesty, I will be 100% honest about it.