Day Eight

Okay. Today, well on Tuesday, I was supposed to write a post about someone who has made my life terrible. Do you know how hard it is to do? Yes, I have had plenty of people who have hurt me in one way or another, but it is difficult for me to still harbor anger at them for it. Trust me, there have been people. I can think of two in particular who deserve to have a blog written about them and how small and insignificant they made me feel. But mostly, and I can say this in all honesty too, I have found ways to forgive each of them. But more than that I found a way to forgive myself. Because what those two individuals did was really to allow me to feel the way I already felt in a lot of ways. And yes, I know that was a very convoluted sentence that makes little to no sense.

What I mean is that even though these two individuals did some damage, that at those times I felt was irreparable, it only allowed me to continue to feel the way I already felt. Somehow, I was the one who was treated me the worst. Maybe this is a cop out, or maybe I am just finding a way to not be mean to someone else. But I really feel that I was the most horrible to myself for a long time.

I wouldn't let myself love myself, and therefore I wouldn't let anyone else love me either. Don't do that to yourself. It is hard. It is awful.

I felt small. I felt useless. I felt unwanted. I felt tossed aside. I felt used. I felt unimportant, insignificant. I felt like a chewed up piece of gum on someone's shoe. One day, in the hallway at church, with one handshake and a name from one of these people, it all came flooding back to me. Through some long hard talks with someone, I was eventually able to see that it wasn't my fault. Yes, the things that happened were horrible, but I couldn't be blamed for it. And for a long time I thought I was. I hated myself for it.

But I am okay now. And I do love myself now. For the record. A lot. Because I deserve to.