Day Three

Today I have to write about something for which I need to forgive myself. This subject is a little harder for me. This last spring and summer I spent a lot of time working on myself and learning how to love me for who I am, and did a lot of forgiving myself for things. Apparently, I like guilt. I have let many things go and have found ways to heal some of the voids that have been left. This was hard for me because I realized that I haven't fixed them all. I guess that is kind of what I need to forgive myself for.

I think I need to forgive myself for not being enough. I feel that way often, especially when it comes to my friends. I feel so horrible when I cannot do something to help someone I love, the only thing I can do is empathize, and sometimes that never feels like enough. Then I feel guilty, like I am not enough or I am not being the friend that I should be.

I know people who say they have a hard time and don't know what to do when people cry to them, or at least feel awkward in those situations. I do not feel that way. Crying doesn't make me uncomfortable. Well... maybe a little when I am the one doing the crying. But there have been many times when I listen to a friend who is upset and crying, and I cry because I feel bad for them. And the only thing I know how to do is to hug them and listen, sometimes say that I am sorry for what they are going through. Then later, I truly feel like that is not enough. So I beat myself up.

I need to realize that sometimes just listening is enough. I also need to realize that it is okay to not have all the answers. I think, somehow, I am realizing that more and more every day.

In addition to this, I need to forgive myself for not being enough when it comes to the things I do. I do not need to be the best at everything, and I realize that fact. It isn't really my goal. But I HATE not being able to give something 110%. I like to put my heart into everything I do... Its just sometimes, there isn't enough heart to go around. I need to remember, that it is okay.

Admitting it is the first step, right?

I will work on it. I promise.