Some Thoughts

I am sorry about my non-cohesive blogs as of late, but I feel as though they will keep happening for a while. I have had many a thought lately, and they all seem to want to come out in a giant brain-dump. So here goes.

1. This thought, or series of thoughts mostly comes from one place, and I have had so many dreams about this in the past week, I feel I need to find an outlet somewhere, so here is as good of place as any. There is exactly one thing that frustrates me more than anything in a friendship, and that is when someone breaks my trust. I do not generally care about the decisions you make, wait, that is wrong. I do care about the decisions you make, I want you to be happy. I want you to find peace. I want you to find joy. I want you to find love. I want you to be loved. However, I will be there to listen, to want to know about your life, I will want to lend a shoulder when things go wrong. But what frustrates me is when you cannot even be honest with me, or yourself for that matter. There is something definitely wrong when you have to tell mutual friends to keep others in the dark, especially when those friends have been there for you at your lowest. Once I somehow downloaded this giant virus onto my parents computer. I tried so hard to get it fixed before they came home, and even after they did, I wanted to pretend like nothing happened. My dad came into my room that night and asked me what had happened, and said to keep in mind that the biggest ally I had was his trust. In that instant I started bawling, not because I was afraid to get into trouble or because of what I had done, but because I had broken the trust with my dad. It is the MOST important factor we have in a relationship with someone else. Everything is based on that one simple fact. All I am trying to demonstrate here, albeit in a very passive-aggressive manner, but you probably don't read this anyway.

2. I guess this is also directed at a couple of specific people. I am glad you are happy together, I am glad you somehow are able to make each other better, or at least, I hope you do. However, I do not, will not, get sucked into your drama again. I will not go back to the place I once was, especially the place and person I was when I was with you. Because I was never fully myself, I was afraid to be who I was. You never respected me enough to let me be that person, to achieve the potential I had. I guess all of that is beside the point, or at least it is a sidenote. Mostly, I want you to understand that I am not the same person I was, and I hope you are not either. I hope that you really are happy. I hope that you can be a better person. I wish you the best of luck with things, but I am past the point of wanting to become a participant in your life. I would be lying if I said I didn't want to know how you were, or that sometimes the fact that I know nothing of your current life is so utterly strange and foreign to me that it almost feels like there is a hole. But we both know that it is for our own good. My own good. Maybe one day, years from now we will be able to say something to each other, but not now. You've burned that bridge too many times. Is that selfish? Perhaps a little, but everything inside me tells me no. And for once when it comes to you, I am going to listen.

Those might not have been the two best thoughts to throw together in the same post, but they are completely separate thoughts, and different people at that. Sometimes we have people in our lives who are toxic, the latter is dedicated to that person. I still want a relationship with the first, it is just frustrating to watch someone self destruct, and to push you away while doing it. Hopefully, these things make sense.

Thanks for listening.

One day soon, I will post happier thoughts.