Things on My Mind

I haven't blogged in a long time. But, at first, that was because I was going to do an entire blog dedicated to my new, grown-up-all-by-myself apartment, and another one dedicated to my top favorite albums, and another one to update you about my new puppers, and another one to tell you my favorite songs, and another one to tell you how I suck as a writer, and another one to apologize to Mary for not writing when I told her I specifically would, and another one to come up with excuses. But every time I am at work and think about one of these things, I realize I have not the time or mental head space to compose such a thing. And I am sick of apologizing for things. So here are a few thoughts that have been going around in my head.

1. I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate that my friends have to struggle with horrible, knee-bending, gut-wrenching things. But more than that, I hate that it is not enough for me to just hug them to make it better or that I cannot do anything to fix what is happening in their individual lives. I wish I could. And it breaks my heart.

2. I have good friends. Friends who are there for me when I need them. Friends who know when I need ten feet or when I need a hug. Friends who stick by me, even when they think I am making poor choices. I like that about myself.

3. I want to do something great. Not spectacular or huge, but something that would inspire people. Mostly to be kind to others. I want to be that type of human. Not for recognition, but because, some days, I feel like I could be that type of human. (Other days I realize I need to shut my judgmental little mouth and realize that sometimes mean is cruel, not funny.)

4. My friend Jordan told me that she thinks that I have this great capacity to love people, and she said that when she thinks about people who embody love, she thinks of me. And I think that is the greatest compliment I have ever received. I hope, hope, hope, hope, that it is true.  And that she wasn't just saying it because she is my friend. But I want to be that person. So badly.

5. It isn't fair that some people can have babies and others cannot. I hate that. Why can't the world be fair?

6. I do not, for the life of me, understand why people can justify walking away from a long, intense friendship like it never happened.

7. Trent sent me this last week when I was particularly struggling with some things and in the midst of my heart aches and panic attacks and over-dramaticness, I forgot the essence of these things. I had to go to therapy for a while, to get over somethings, if you didn't know that, you do now. My therapist tried to drill this into my head, over and over and over again. I forgot it was true. I forgot that I didn't need to apologize for being emotional when things hurt. Actually, this is the conversation:

me: that first article reminds me of my therapist and sessions we had all the time, because she was basically telling me I did that to myself all the time, because i constantly apologize for myself, when i have nothing to be sorry for.

Trentward: yeah, thats part of why i wanted to share it with you. because you do do that a lot

me: i know.

Trentward: and like, its a real thing, and its okay to emotional. and i love you. thats all.

me: but after being in a relationship for six years with a person who CONSTANTLY did that, and for the six years of my life that I was trying to figure out myself and how to work with all of those things, it is really hard to get out of that habit. And i have been trying to. and i do okay with it for a while, but there are times, like this past week, when part of me gets so sick of hearing me cry and be an emotional basket case, even if i have reason to do so. and then, with the not sleeping thing, it becomes that much easier to slip into that place.

8. This makes me happy.

9. And this.

And that's all for now. Except, keep breathing. It will be okay, one day. Better than okay, because you deserve to be better than okay. Someone told me that once. I remind myself of it everyday. You should too.

Lets Save an Hour...

Currently it is 12:31 am. My body is pretty sure it is 5:40 am.

I am SOOOOOOOO tired.

Make my parents come soon...

I am not sure if i can last.

My Friends are Better Than Yours.

This last month has been a bit crazy, but then again, when is my life not like that? Though, can I say how blessed I am? Because I am. All the time. Every minute of every day. Let's start at the beginning, ish.

Remember when I said all my housemates moved up to Salt Lake to new and better things? That was about two months ago. Somehow it doesn't seem that long ago and I am the one living it. I guess Lynsie did only move out about a month ago. (Holy crap! I just realized, as I am typing this, that it has been a month since I got to go home to Portland... And I have forgot, completely, to write about all of it. I will get to it, I promise.) Anyhow, for the past two months I have been praying my little heart out about getting housemates, because there is no way that I could afford to live in my house by myself, to my great surprise, nothing really happened. I kept getting the feeling that I needed to stay in my current ward, which caused me much frustration. Not because I wanted to move, but because I had no earthly idea how I would be able to stay if I wasn't getting housemates. Call it a lack of faith, but I was frustrated... I couldn't figure out how it would all fit together. 

This is where it gets a bit jumnbly, so stay with me. If i lose you, sorry. 

My landlord was so amazing and kind. He offered to let me stay on an extra month, just to see if I could find anyone. We enlisted the help of his realtor and I was positive we would find someone. Two and a half weeks went by, and I had not a single call, people who I had thought were going to move in backed out. I had nothing. I had to figure something out, and quick. I put my application in on an apartment; an apartment where I would live all by myself. No housemates. Just me. After a long series of events, I got the apartment, though it won't be ready until the 15th. Today is the 1st, for those of the you keeping score. 

So what then? I had to be out of my apartment. I have a bucket load of stuff, no car, and no where to go. I panicked, ask Jill, Sheena, Rachel, and basically everyone else.

I talked to Wyett and asked if I could keep some things at LearnKey, he not only is letting me store some stuff there, but also offered me his garage to keep the bigger things. He is for real, the best ever. period.

Mary took me to the store to get boxes and storagey things, on the way there she offered to let me stay at her house until my apartment was ready. I cannot begin to tell you how thankful I am for the kindness of her and The Coach (blair). They are so fantastically wonderful. 

I had a place for me and my stuff to stay, then it was a matter of me actually getting things to the places they needed to be. Chelsey, Mindy, and Adam happened to be coming down this weekend, for other reasons, but ended up helping me move most everything. These kids helped me get pretty much everything packed and moved. Adam was such an amazing, spectacular help. He managed to keep me calm and was there to do whatever I needed help with. I seriously love that boy.

Did I mention that this whole week I was absolutely exhausted and sweet, wonderful, dear, dear Sheena basically toted my lazy, tired bum to and from work all week? She did. She is amazing. For more than just that. Be aware. She also gives me moral support on a daily basis, you know to attempt to keep me sane. I feel for her most days... I am difficult. 

I had a great hometeacher who showed up yesterday, with his truck and some friends. They helped me and Beau get things moved over to Wyett's garage. Beau. He is also owed a million thanks. (I think I owe all these people my first born... I better have a litter.

I guess what I am trying to say, is thank you everyone. You are all so amazing to me. I have no idea how I would live my life without you, nor do I know how to thank any of you properly for letting me put you out so much these last couple of weeks. 

Bedtime

This is what it looks like when I go to bed. I just wanted to share it with y'all.

Yes, I am 25.75 years old. I do sleep in Tinkerbell sheets, that is the pillow of said sheets in the background. I also sleep with a stuffed bunny named Cilantro. She is a nudest, vegetarian, and also she is full of gay pride with her rainbow hair bows. She is in deep love with a the stuffie of my bff/wifey Rachel, hence the gay pride bows. Then there is Al. Al is a llama, he will answer to the name Alfred or Albert. He is also well versed in the likes of Judith Butler and Anton Chekhov. he is also a gift from the lovely Adam. Then finally, last but not least, Zombie. He is allergic to names and brains, so his life is real complicated. He is adopted to me from my other lover Trent.

And that is what happens in my bed. 

Thanks for tuning in. 

Tonight.

I left work a little late tonight, I didn't work at the second job, and I decided I wanted to make a Reuben sandwich for dinner... and I probably wanted some broccoli and sweet potato fries to go with it. (If you give a mouse a cookie...)

I rode my little bike across the street to Linn's to grab the necessary supplies before riding home. I marched up to the deli and asked for some corned beef and swiss, which the deli chickie kindly sliced for me, though she said it would be a few minutes as she had to open a new corned beef, so I should probably go finish the rest of my shopping. I can take a hint when I am hit upside the head with it. She didn't want me to stand awkwardly around and stare her down while she cut my meat. I get it. I hate when people stand over me and watch me do my job.

So I spent my time walking around random isles and I came to one endcap in particular. I swear to you, there was sunshine sprouting out from this endcap. I heard angelic voices. I was drawn to it. It was fate. I found Tinkerbell Ziploc baggies. That's right. TINKERBELL. ZIPLOC. BAGGIES.

I bought em. Don't you worry  your pretty little heads.

Anyway... The girls at the check stand only kind of judged me slash were real jealous about it.

Also... Here is a picture with me and my delicious sandwich.

Mentos and Diet Coke

This is kind of how my job goes. Every day. I heart these kids.

Happiness

On a happier note, Adam came down for the weekend. And I loved it.

You wanna know why we are in l-o-v-e? Because we went to Wal*mart to get a game to play. We walked out an hour later with three sets of legos, the original Tron, and some capri suns. (It took a LONG time to pick out the legos... Because we couldn't decide which set to get. Eventually, we each had to pick a set and then we got a big plain set for the extras.)

We probably played legos for two days... I totally made a TARDIS. Just so you know. And when we weren't playing legos, we were reading books and listening to records.

I freaking heart that kid.