Day Twenty-One

My best friend got into a car accident and an hour before we got into a HUGE fight.

Duh.

This question is lame. We could debate its lameness for days. It is ridiculous. Of course if my best friend got into a car accident, I would be at the hospital. Or if it was any of my other friends for that matter. I love you all too much. Besides, I don't think a stupid little fight should get in the way of your friendship.

Also, sorry about my lame blogs lately. Apparently, it is what happens when I have nothing interesting to say at the moment.

Day Twenty

How I feel about religion.

I have born, and will continue to bare elements of my testimony at least once a month here.

But in general, I feel like having a relationship with God, or whatever thing you choose to believe, is an amazing thing. I know there is a God. I know it with all of my heart. And I know how much he loves his children. That does not mean that everything will be perfect for us every day, but it means when the day is over and our choices are made, He will love us. And sometimes, that is enough for me.

Maybe that is really simple, but it is how I feel right now. He loves us. Remember that.

Day Eighteen

I am getting to the point where I want to not do these thirty days anymore, not because of the topics, but because I am bored with them... So sorry if things are becoming lamer.

Day nineteen... My views on gay marriage.

Let me say this right now, my intent is not to offend anyone or to cause a debate or anything like that. I am simply going to say what I believe. Also, on this whole subject I think everyone needs a bit more love, patience, and understanding.

I believe, and truly feel that if a church or religious organization does not want to support gay marriage, then they should not have to. However, I think they should be legal. First of all, I do not see anything wrong in supporting and encouraging a committed, monogamous relationship. Sure, talk about the sanctity of marriage. However, there are weddings happening between inanimate objects like houses and roller coasters. People get married to their pets. So how is it wrong for two HUMANs to get married to each other?

If any of my gay friends invited me to their weddings, I would be there. Because above all else, we need to love each other.

Maybe that makes me wrong, but I don't care. This is how I feel, and I do not feel for a second that it is wrong.

Day Seventeen

First of all, I am currently in the Salt Lake City airport waiting patiently for my second plane of the day. I want to see my mom and dad ASAP, please and thank you.

Second of all. Today is a book that has changed my views on life or something.

I am going to go with the Catcher and the Rye by J.D. Salinger.

This book was required reading in high school, and I was a little excited to read it when I found out about it. It seemed like it was going to be interesting. Especially since the debate we had about it before we started. As a class, we had to decide if we were going to say the "N" word. Things got intense.

We started reading, using the "N" word by the way, our class decided that censorship of this particular book was wrong. I really didn't think I was affected by it or that I was really able to take anything from it.

Until my sophomore year  of college. I woke up one morning and things made sense: the unspeakable loneliness, the longing for something greater, the idea of people caring, but not really caring, the need to connect with another human being.

It is beautiful. SO very beautiful.

I have never been able to get the scene in which he attempts to gain some sort of human connection by speaking with a prostitute out of my mind.. It is something that is there inside me. I know it sounds odd or strange, but read it. Maybe you will get it. And if you don't, its okay. It is with me though.

Day Fifteen

First of all, I am sorry about my slacking at the blogging. I have been attempting to get last minute Christmas stuff done before I leave for Oregon... The only reason it is happening now is because I went to bed at 3 and am awake at 8 and am rather annoyed about it.

Something I have tried living without and couldn't.

I am listing this one out... Because there are a lot of things:

1. The Church- I seriously tried walking away, because I was so frustrated with many things in my life. And I couldn't do it. I know without a shadow of a doubt that there is a Heavenly Father. I know how much He loves me, and us for that matter. I know that I have a Savior who came to earth to atone for my sins. I believe the words of the scriptures and the words of the prophets. I don't know why I am still a little stubborn and try to do things on my own and try to test some things out, because I KNOW all of these things, but I still do. Sometimes, I am not the brightest crayon in the box. But I do know the short time in my life when I tried giving up on the church and on Heavenly Father, that time, was the darkest, loneliest time of my life. And I regret the time I wasted in that state of mind.

2. Music- I cannot, will not, and shan't live without music. I cannot do it. I need it. A little like I need everything else in my life. There is a little part of me that hurts when I am without it for a while.

3. Friends- I am soooooo very grateful to have so many people in my life who love and care about me. Thank you for always being there for me and for loving me.

4. Sweaters- I would freeze my buns off.

5. Bras- While I know how ridiculous this sounds, I would kinda die without them. My life would be way more painful.

Maybe I should have said something like my family, but the truth is this: I love my family way too much to have ever tried to live without them. And... I am excited to see them tomorrow!

Day Fourteen

A hero who has let me down, a letter.

Dear Underdog.


Remember how I loved to watch you on Saturday mornings? You were the only talking, flying, canine crusader, your cape and ears flowing courageously in the wind. You were always there to save the day...


Until the day you weren't. Which, sure, maybe that is not your fault. I don't blame you, I mean you can't help if the man decided to pull you off the air...


But you can be blamed for the time you thought it would be a good idea to sell your rights to become a live-action movie. I cannot help but feel like you sold out. Because you did. Your movie grossed, $43,751,706, in the US alone. That does not make you an Underdog. It makes you a rich little dog. You no longer fought against the man... you became the man.


Get your soul back. 


I believe in you.


Brittni

Day Thirteen

Today is a letter to a band that has got me through the hard times... A letter...

Dear Colin Meloy,

The first time I heard you, was in a public access performance. I was laying in my parents bed not really looking for anything, but I stumbled across this beautiful moment of you staring into a camera singing your heart out. I think you were singing, "Red Right Ankle" or maybe it was "I was Meant for the Stage". Either way, I went out and searched for your album. I bought it, and I fell madly in love, and have remained so ever since.

It doesn't matter the mood I am in, I can listen to a song or an album and it instantly matches my mood. Sometimes, I think about your dialog in on the Colin Meloy Sings Live album and laugh to myself.

I love that every song tells a story, that at any given moment you can transport me to somewhere else, but I can also go inside myself and do some reflecting.

There are days when I listen to "We Both Go Down Together", "Engine Driver", "Here I Dreamt I was an Architect", and "Red Right Ankle" over and over and over again. I don't think those songs will ever leave me.

Once my housemates asked me how much I loved them, and I said, "More than cheese but less than Colin Meloy." And they knew exactly what that meant.

Mostly, just thank you for being amazing and for making amazing music.

Love,
Brittni

Day Twelve

Today's honest moment is brought to you by something I never get complements on.

Um... My dance moves are so under appreciated, it isn't even funny. You guys. I can drop it like its hot. Don't you even worry.

Little known secret, I was once the captain of my dance team. (But... it was the same dance team in which I was pulled aside for being, "too chesty." Yeah, that is a true story. Also, one of the prouder moments of my 14 year-old life.) 

I can skank it up with the best of the ska-lings. 

I can hokie-pokie like the mostest. 

I put the moc in macarena.

I can sprinkler.

And back up the bus.

And do the shopping car.

And... Not to brag, but I am pretty much the best car dancer ever. In the history of car dancing. 

However, my dancing is over looked every single time. How is this even possible? I have no earthly idea. Except. I will not let this detour me, you know why?

I can dance if I want to. As long as I abuse it, Im never gonna lose it.

Ps... When I flashdance, there is no spandex leotard. But you can bet there are leg warmers.

Day Eleven

How am I only on the eleventh day? Weird.

Today is something that I always get complements on.

Today about seven different people complemented me on my coat. And lets be honest, it is pretty dang cute.

Also, people complement me about my eyes. A lot.

So here they are. Eat your heart out.

Day Ten

Today is someone in my life I need to let go of, but can't.

I have no answer for this question. Seriously. I have known it was coming, and have avoided blogging because of it. I do not know. There is not one person in my life I feel like I need to let go. Probably because I am selfish. There is a purpose, somehow, for every person in my life. And the few people who I could put names to, I have let go. At some point, I couldn't handle the constant negativity. And naturally, things died out.

So I guess that is my answer. There isn't anyone.

On national "Delete Your Unneeded Friends on Facebook Day" I couldn't delete anyone.

So... thanks for being so awesome everyone. :)

Day Nine

Yesterday, Wednesday, I was day nine. The day I write about someone who I didn't want to let go, but just drifted.

I think that would be my childhood friend, Signe.

We went through a lot together. The entire sixth grade. The entire seventh grade. In fact, she was the reason I transfered middle schools. I wanted to be able to go somewhere that I had friends. We were placed in different halls, and made other friends, but that is beside the point. I honestly am glad I was given that chance. We survived the eight grade. With a lot of eight grade silliness and drama. When I moved during my eight grade year, our parents would drive to a halfway point and we would trade cars and spend the weekends together. Every single time I eat barbeque chicken I am reminded of her, I am not sure why. In the eleventh grade, when her dad died, she drove an hour to my house so we could cry together. Whenever I hear a Garth Brooks song, I think of his funeral and watching one of my best friends heartbreak all over again.I think of the heartbreak of knowing I could never give her the thing she needed most.

Somewhere in all of that I gave her a stuffed fox, and she named it Tod. And I think she gave me a stuffed dog, and I named it Copper... or maybe it was the other way around. Either way, I think of her when I watch the Fox and the Hound and my heart misses her a little.

I have no idea where she is at now. And I have no idea when that change happened. I think somewhere between my senior year of high school and my freshman year of college. But I often wonder where she is and how she is doing... and whether or  not she is happy.

Sig, wherever you are, I hope you are completely happy.

Day Eight

Okay. Today, well on Tuesday, I was supposed to write a post about someone who has made my life terrible. Do you know how hard it is to do? Yes, I have had plenty of people who have hurt me in one way or another, but it is difficult for me to still harbor anger at them for it. Trust me, there have been people. I can think of two in particular who deserve to have a blog written about them and how small and insignificant they made me feel. But mostly, and I can say this in all honesty too, I have found ways to forgive each of them. But more than that I found a way to forgive myself. Because what those two individuals did was really to allow me to feel the way I already felt in a lot of ways. And yes, I know that was a very convoluted sentence that makes little to no sense.

What I mean is that even though these two individuals did some damage, that at those times I felt was irreparable, it only allowed me to continue to feel the way I already felt. Somehow, I was the one who was treated me the worst. Maybe this is a cop out, or maybe I am just finding a way to not be mean to someone else. But I really feel that I was the most horrible to myself for a long time.

I wouldn't let myself love myself, and therefore I wouldn't let anyone else love me either. Don't do that to yourself. It is hard. It is awful.

I felt small. I felt useless. I felt unwanted. I felt tossed aside. I felt used. I felt unimportant, insignificant. I felt like a chewed up piece of gum on someone's shoe. One day, in the hallway at church, with one handshake and a name from one of these people, it all came flooding back to me. Through some long hard talks with someone, I was eventually able to see that it wasn't my fault. Yes, the things that happened were horrible, but I couldn't be blamed for it. And for a long time I thought I was. I hated myself for it.

But I am okay now. And I do love myself now. For the record. A lot. Because I deserve to.

Day Seven

Today is probably one of the harder days for me, and simply for the fact that I feel ungrateful to different people for having not chosen them. Maybe that is silly, but it is true. Today is someone who has made life worth living. I have been very blessed to have many people whom I love very dearly come and go in my life. I have people who are constantly bettering me, teaching me new things, and helping me to realize how much our Heavenly Father loves us. That is probably cheesy, but I feel that way. So stick it.

But I would be completely wrong if I didn't choose to dedicate this blog to Trent. He is my very very best friend. I have no idea where, who, or what I would be without him. For the past few years he has been a steady constant in my life, and he has never once left my side. It has never mattered the choices I have made, or how destructive I have been to our relationship.

Trent has always been there, pushing me to be better and to see better things. He helped me to realize that I was worth something, when I felt like I was worth nothing. He helped me to see how wrong and abusive a relationship was, to see that I deserved more than just being okay. When I was so angry at the world and everything in it, he constantly showed me reasons to see something good. When I was frustrated with Heavenly Father for not instantly taking a trial away or coming to my rescue, he was there pushing me to go to church, telling me how much I was loved.

He has never given up on me, even when I gave up on myself.

He is there when I get homesick. Or when I am being silly. Or when I just need to sit with someone. He knows every side of me. All of the good and the bad.

But more than that, I love him for who he is. He is super intelligent. He listens. He loves. He understands. He is one of the least judgmental people I know. He somehow sees the good in people, even after I feel like they have taken something a step too far. He genuinely cares, and that is a rare ability. He is funny. He has good taste in music, even if he sometimes sells his soul to a pop whore or two. or three. There are a thousand and one more things I can say about him.  Probably more than that.

I don't know how to accurately put into words how much I love him and how grateful I am for him every single day. Seriously. Trent. I love you. And I hope you know every single day I do.

Here is a little photo montage:

Sometimes we undress penguins in elevators... in Kentucky.

Sometimes we go camping... to get in touch with our inner hippy.

And feel small in a big world.

Sometimes, we go to Disneyland.

Sometimes we are hot.

Sometimes we are not.

Sometimes we are overly excited.

But mostly...

We are awesome beyond all reason.

Trentward, thank you for always being my counterpart, for helping me to be better, and for always always always loving me. I love you. Always.

Day Six

Day Six: Something I hope I never have to do.

I hope that I never have to sleep in the snow. Seriously, that would be the worst thing in the world. It would be so freaking cold. I do not enjoy the feeling of being cold and wet while looking at my breath.

I hate sleeping when my feet are freezing.

Or when I cannot feel my nose.

Or my ears.

Or my anything.

Also... I never hope to eat cantaloupe again. Ima be real honest with you for a second. I would rather eat bacon on/in everything for a year, than eat one piece of cantaloupe.

Seriously, it gives me the chills.

Nope. By Shel Siverstein

I put a piece of cantaloupe
underneath the microscope.
I saw a million strange things sleepin',
I saw a zillion weird things creepin',
I saw some green things twist and bend--
I won't ever eat a cantaloupe again.

Day Five

First of all, I know I missed yesterday. So I am going to do one for today and yesterday. Also, today was fast Sunday... so I have to do a testimony blog too. Ugh. Blogs.

Day five: Something I hope to do in my life.

I have a list...

1. Above all else, I want to be a mom. Maybe that is cliche and cheesy, but really that is what I want above all other things in this world. I told Trent earlier today that I just feel like I have so much love to give to someone. And I have so many things I want to share and show them. Every ounce of me wants to do that. I sincerely hope I get that opportunity.

2. I want to publish a poem sequence about living in the echoes of people.

3. I want to make a quilt... Big enough for my bed and I want to be in love with it.

4. I want to learn how to knit. Emily, I am expecting help with this.

5. I want to go one day without saying any negative thing about anyone or anything.

And those are five things I hope to do one day. Keep your fingers crossed.

Day 4

Today is something I have to forgive someone else for, and this one is a little bit more tricky than the first. Because the few things I can think I need to forgive others for, I have also worked really hard on doing. And then there was that time I wrote this blog…

So maybe I still need to forgive Emily, though it is hard to do when I don’t even know why I am upset in the first place. Well, I know why. I am upset she hurt my dad. I am upset she hurt my Grandpa. I am upset she has not had an interest in my life, except for when it somehow conveniently into her life. But you know what else? I am not concerned about it enough that I carry the weight of it around with me, nor do I dwell on the fact that I have no relationship with this woman. Part of me feels like I haven’t the feelings to even warrant that much. Sorry. I don’t mean to be cold or hurtful. I honestly don’t. I just haven’t put much time into it yet.

 I wrote this letter, just now:

Dear Emily,

You can’t show up once when I am sixteen and expect me to call you Nana and tell you how much I love you. I do not know you. You do not know me.

I cannot help but ask the question, where were you for the first sixteen years. Once you answer that question, tell me where you have been the past ten years? I am almost twenty-five.

Maybe that is what this all boils down to. The fact that there has been no effort made. Sure, I can talk to you once every five years on Christmas, and we can fane interest in one another. Oh, and I guess we can see each other once every 10-16 years. No, you are right. I haven’t tried to make a huge effort to get to know you either. A lot of that stems from the fact that I have no idea how to get in touch with you.

Yes, I find it easy to love a lot of people. Believe it or not, it does take a while for that love to happen. Maybe not even a long while, but at least longer than meeting you once in my life. I don’t even remember what we talked about when you were here. And again, I was sixteen. I graduated from high school and college. Can you even tell me what I graduated in? Probably not.

But I can’t really tell anyone anything about you either. Other than you live in Texas and you have breast cancer, and I have heard rumors of a mental illness, but I can’t even say that with absolute surety. I can tell you that my dad wants to have a relationship with you, and is trying to do so as hard as he can, despite the fact that when you told his sisters you had breast cancer, and he was visiting at the time, you pulled them into a room and told them the news, while he waited in the living room. Despite the fact that you haven’t talked to him in the same amount of time you have not talked to me.

Basically, if/when I forgive you for these things, it will be because I love my dad more than I have hard feelings against you. It will be out of respect for him. Maybe only initially. Actually, I hope only initially. Perhaps, one day, we can have a relationship. And maybe I will learn how to respect you for you, and not out of consideration for my dad’s feelings.

Brittni.

Now I am not trying to hurt anyone’s feelings here, especially not Emily’s, I am just trying to find a way to work through my thoughts and feelings. I think this helped. And in respect of the 30 Days of Honesty, I will be 100% honest about it.

Day Three

Today I have to write about something for which I need to forgive myself. This subject is a little harder for me. This last spring and summer I spent a lot of time working on myself and learning how to love me for who I am, and did a lot of forgiving myself for things. Apparently, I like guilt. I have let many things go and have found ways to heal some of the voids that have been left. This was hard for me because I realized that I haven't fixed them all. I guess that is kind of what I need to forgive myself for.

I think I need to forgive myself for not being enough. I feel that way often, especially when it comes to my friends. I feel so horrible when I cannot do something to help someone I love, the only thing I can do is empathize, and sometimes that never feels like enough. Then I feel guilty, like I am not enough or I am not being the friend that I should be.

I know people who say they have a hard time and don't know what to do when people cry to them, or at least feel awkward in those situations. I do not feel that way. Crying doesn't make me uncomfortable. Well... maybe a little when I am the one doing the crying. But there have been many times when I listen to a friend who is upset and crying, and I cry because I feel bad for them. And the only thing I know how to do is to hug them and listen, sometimes say that I am sorry for what they are going through. Then later, I truly feel like that is not enough. So I beat myself up.

I need to realize that sometimes just listening is enough. I also need to realize that it is okay to not have all the answers. I think, somehow, I am realizing that more and more every day.

In addition to this, I need to forgive myself for not being enough when it comes to the things I do. I do not need to be the best at everything, and I realize that fact. It isn't really my goal. But I HATE not being able to give something 110%. I like to put my heart into everything I do... Its just sometimes, there isn't enough heart to go around. I need to remember, that it is okay.

Admitting it is the first step, right?

I will work on it. I promise.

Day Two

Today is the second day... and I am supposed to talk about something I love about myself.

I love that I love people. It comes easy, at least most days. I like to think that I can empathize pretty easily with others, sometimes this is a good trait, sometimes not so much.

I could probably write more and add more detail, but I haven't had the best day and I think I am going to skip it. Sorry kids.

The First Day

My dear dear housemate Mindy has started a 30 day blog fest of honesty and goodness... So naturally, I am stealing her idea. Here is the first day:

Something I hate about myself.

First of all let me just say how much I dislike this particular thing, admitting the things I completely and utterly dislike about myself. But in the name of honesty and truth, I will.

1. I am writer who doesn't write. Easy fix? Yes... kind of.

2. I cannot wrap a present for the life of me. Nor to save a birthday or christmas or any other special event. Seriously, it is a physical impossibility.

And this isn't even the worst one... it may be one of the better ones. You don't even get the full effect because you can't see the ridiculous wrinkles, edges, and lumps. Seriously. Lumps.

3. I pee. A lot. Especially at night. Wait, that sounds like I wet the bed. I do not do that. But I do have to get up and use the bathroom at least once a night. My bladder is the size of a pee.

4. I have no circulation, therefore, I am always freezing.

5. Apparently, once again according to Chelsey, I have tourettes when I don't eat. I also get real grumpy.

6. It is 12:38 and I am still awake.

That is it for tonight. Peace out kids.