Forgiveness.

First of all, I am stewing on a blog that is not all warm and touchy-feely. I swear it. It is just involving a lot more thought than is probably necessary. A couple of them actually... Be prepared.

But lately I have been thinking a lot about forgiveness, mainly because I need to learn how to do it. My wonderful Mom called me the other day, a few weeks ago actually. And told me that my birth grandmother, Emily, will be at Christmas this year. My instant response, as much as I am ashamed to admit it, was: "I will not call her Nana." (This is what she wants her grandchildren to call her.) "Pie used to call me that when we were little, because of Peter Pan, and it is a term of endearment that must be earned. Also, I will not tell her I love her, because I don't. How can I love her when she doesn't even know me, nor I her?" I think somewhere in there I mixed some things about how I didn't feel the way she treated my dad was right. And a grandmother is someone who is there your whole life, not just part of it. Also, my grandpa's wife Stephani, is my grandma. She is. I love her so very much, with every fiber of my being. So somehow in my mind, if I let this woman, the one I don't even know, into my life, it will be a form of betrayal.

I was talking to my sister later in the week, and she basically said that she will not speak to her unless she was directly spoken to. And I was so bothered by this, especially since I am currently on one of my "See everyone with the pure love of Christ" kicks. So I am a big fat hypocrite.

Church yesterday was all about forgiving and repentance. A lot of the girls in Relief Society focused on how they needed to repent for having hard feelings against different people in their lives. The whole bit about drinking poison and expecting it to kill someone else. Its ridiculous. But there I was sitting in my chair with so much frustration and hurt, and down right anger.

I hate the way she treats my dad. My dad in no way deserves the things she has done to him. My mom uses the excuse that she has some severe mental issues. Okay. Fine. Great. But, I honestly do not feel that is an appropriate excuse to treat your son like a stranger in your family. Or to not meet your grandchildren for years. To ultimately treat these people like they have never existed. My dad has overcome a lot of his issues with her, so why can't I? Except, I feel like I watch him try to let her in, and then she does something to hurt him and push him away.

I could care less if she hurts me. Sure it hurts that she wouldn't want to get to know me over the years, but guess what? I am not hurting for grandparent love. My Grandma loves me. And she has since the day we met. And I have never doubted that. My grandparents on my mom's side love me too. My Grandpa was/is an amazing man, and he loves/loved me so much. But what I cannot stand is how much she hurts, or hurt, my dad.

How do I forgive someone like this?

I mean, obviously I could do better to pray for help. I know I can get help that way. It doesn't make it any easier.

Am I a horrible person?