November Catharsis

Hello blogging world and friends and people who actually are inclined to read this, its been some minutes... Somehow it is November already, and I am not sure when that happened.

I have left you all with a very long absence, and to be totally honest, I am not sure why. That isn't true. I just lied so hard. Not even for a second. I know why. It is because I have been afraid to write, even if it is just a blog, a stream of consciousness which I will try extremely hard not to edit. (Sometimes I wonder if you read this and think, "Brittni, honey, you are not a writer, if you were, your posts would be eloquent and well-worded, punctuated correctly, grammatical... You went to college for crying out loud!" My answer to which is this, "Blog writing is something completely different for me. It is almost like a therapy session. A space that I can just type and type, and I don't have to worry about the end result. And if you don't like that, click the next button on your reader. XOXOXOXOXO.")

Back to the truth.

I just deleted an entire paragraph, I feel like you need to know this, cause you know, truth. I need you to understand that this is not about a boy. These feelings I have been having, they are more than a single boy, though, he instigated this. I wish I could tell you how frustrated I am at myself for that sentence. I wish I could say this time in my life, this time where I have been feeling this way are because of my own accord, but alas. But please understand that it hasn't been about a boy for months now. I am trying to be, thinking I am, beyond the place in my life where I let a boy dictate who I am and how I feel about myself. But, and this is a big but, it was the catalyst into things I have not wanted to think about for a long, long time. Or maybe a combination of many things all at once. It is hard to say.

I have also been avoiding the writing, the blogging, those parts of myself, because I have decided I want to put good into the world, not spend time with pity parties. In the words of one brave bunny, "If you can't say nothin nice, don't say it at all." So I haven't. But I have been sitting on this one thought for a few days now: Maybe to get to that place, the place of good things and good thoughts, I need to be honest about the dark bits. And, really, I have had so many darker bits than this.

I have had massive feelings of indifference. With everything. I have been struggling with some very deep parts of my identity, things and traits that I once held dear. Cryptic? Maybe. But here is an example... One of the things I love about myself the most is my ability to love. I am not trying to say this in toot my own horn type of way or a look at me type of way, but I truly, truly feel like the gift to love and to be patient is something I have been given. But it is also something that is really hard for me to accept right now. Because to love people, I feel it is important to strive to see the good bits, to hold out hope that they will turn around, they will see the hurt they are causing and they will change. I want to fight for you as a person, as my friend, as my coworker, as my family member, as my __________, until the cows come home. But there comes a time when I have to stop fighting for you because if I don't, I will lose myself. So, to combat all of these situations where I feel so utterly defeated, deflated, and disappointed in people, I have turned to indifference. And so much of that makes me hate everything about me. Because that used to be the one thing I truly liked.

My parents have always told me stories about my younger self. When I was three, I cried and cried and cried because someone shot Bambi's mom, and I could not understand, would not understand, how anyone could take another's mom away. I know you are thinking that sounds exaggerated, but it is 100% true. When I was eight, my parents took me with them to see The Fugitive. Let's not get into a dispute of whether this was appropriate for an eight year-old or not, it happened, move on. I remember sobbing, bawling, screaming, because I could not understand how someone could physically beat someone that way, I still remember the look on my dad's face when I asked him that question. What I am trying to say, is that my level of empathy is ridiculous. I am tender. I want to apologize for that, because I am afraid it sounds weak. And there in lies my contradiction. How can my greatest strength be such a weakness?

Its not. But, when I look at the big, life effecting situations of this year, I realize how toxic caring so much can be. For all of us. Do you want to know what happened with me and Adam? He cheated on me. He came to my house in the middle of the night, drunk. So drunk that he couldn't stand. So drunk that he could not keep a thought inside his head. So drunk that the dogs cowered in the corner. He kept repeating one phrase: "Now Brittni will know." I asked him what I would know, and he would look at me like I could read minds. After an hour of this nonsense, I took his phone, and I read his texts. He had been texting three separate girls. In every situation he said he had moved to Cedar City for a girl and it hadn't worked out. Which was real neat, considering he was passed out, drunk, in my bed. I called Jill and she drove me around while I tried to figure out what was going on. I called the girls and asked them what was happening and told them I existed. Because I needed to have an identity. Then I went home, got the keys to my office, went to work, and called Jo. And bawled on the phone to her for three hours. I dried my eyes, went home, and woke him up. He thought I was mad just about the coming over drunk bit, so I confronted him about the girls. He gave some excuse, it was because he was lonely. Because he didn't know anyone here. He didn't have any friends. He said it would stop. I told him I called them. He got mad and he left. He came back over later that day, explaining with some lie. A lie that we both knew was a lie. But, me being me, wanted to know that I hadn't wasted so much time pouring my love into someone who wasn't going to be there for the long haul. So, I gave him another chance. And in January, he came over and said, I am done. I asked why and I got a shrug of the shoulders. After two years, that was my answer. He left. Sheena came over. I called Trent and Rachel. And the world moved forward. He ran straight to at least one of the girls. (For those who care, he ended up cheating on her with two separate individuals... I want to say, karma. Maybe that is wrong, but how you can start a relationship and think it will last when it was based on lies and deceptions, and you knew about them all, it is hard to be surprised. Call me heartless.)

I took this whole situation and let it drift back to the other long relationship of my life. And this isn't something I talk about frequently either. Seth and I dated for a long time. It was good in the beginning. It felt like the right thing. I prayed about it. He prayed about it. Our parents prayed about it. It was the right thing. But sometimes people make choices and those answers change. We grew up and apart. He did things that weren't right. He changed. He was emotionally abusive... that was a hard sentence for me to type, I am not sure why. Maybe it is because I know some of you reading this, if you are still with me that is, know him too, and I don't want his past self to affect his now self. Things happened. Things got worse. And worse. And worse. One day it wasn't the right thing anymore. But I already had a ring on my finger. Plans were being made. Dates were set. Appointments scheduled. Families intertwined. How do you break that up? How do you walk away from all of that? How do you let go of something you were once told was the rightest thing you knew, by the rightest thing you know? How does that make sense? A really good friend. One night, after throwing up in the bathroom for three hours because he had called to tell me that he had decided I didn't need a wedding dress, that we didn't need to speak until I came home for the semester, that he had scheduled my appointment to take out my endowments, and that he had told his parents that I had been screaming at him for some stupid thing, "because it has more dramatic flair", Trent came over. I was telling him at length the whole conversation. I looked at him and asked him to tell me it would be okay. He hugged me tightly, looked at me, and simply said, "It will be okay. But, Brittni, you deserve for it to me more than okay." And those two sentences saved my life. And I am forever grateful to Trent. Because it was in that moment that I realized I could be more than just okay.

So two boys. Two crappy situations. And me feeling like I am pouring myself into people who can easily just flip a switch and change, move on, move forward, be someone else. Then I add on other things from this last year. I can name at least three people at work who have made stupid, stupid choices, followed by me sticking up for them, and then seeing a complete 180 in them. Suddenly, I wasn't ever supportive. I wasn't doing my job. I was making it harder for them. Etc. And I took these things so very personally. Because, how can you not when giving yourself to everyone in your life is such a huge part of you? Not to mention a series of events in the world of family. So add up all of these things and add in some not wanting to stare it all in the face, because it felt so overwhelming, and you get indifference. And that is where I am at.

I have tried for so long to ignore these things, to move forward, to not let it get to me. This may sound like fourth century Spanish to some, but all of these things feel like Amelia's house with six rooms, but only being able to acknowledge five, because of a perception filter. I am such a nerd. But that is how it feels. I guess what I am trying to accomplish with this post is to tell you this, I am going to start exploring these things. Talking my way though it here. Or maybe, this will be enough for now and my next posts will change the subject and move forward and we shan't speak of this until 2026. I am not really sure right now. But, at least you have some honesty. It is now three am and Zimm is pacing because he needs to go out, so I am going to take care of that. But. I wrote something. And for today, that is enough.

Blach.

I want to be able to say I don't only write on my blog when I feel upset or unhappy, but that probably wouldn't be the truest statement of all time, we all know it. I feel like that in the past three weeks I have felt better, ish about things. For the most part... But then I have these moments, like tonight, where I just feel like I am back at the beginnings of things, times when I feel like it would be great to just Eternal Sunshine him.And pretty much the last like seven months or so, because the truth is, he is not the only reason everything feels crushing or like I'm falling apart. Work has been gross, I feel like I've made some wrong choices and they have created this place I am in there, and I feel stuck. I can count nine people who I know are actively searching for new jobs, so that makes half of the office with one foot out the door. No one wants to be there, its difficult. And there is my aunt and things there are crazy. And I feel like it would be really cool to have people in my corner, but that is hard too.

I want to go back to this morning, when I was busy and hopeful. When things felt like it would be so nice to just start over. I don't know. Now I am tired and things are weird. Everything will look better in the morning, right?

A Little Dramantic

I want to preface this post with a comment... This whole break up has had a lot of ups and downs, and I feel like the only two posts thus far are the downs. But please know that I have had overwhelming moments of hope and positive feelings. While there is hurt and pain and confusion, there is also excitement for something new... but I guess part of me feels guilty for that. Wanna know a secret? A few hours before the break up, I had the thought of how nice it would be to start again... to be able to find someone who made me feel comfortable and could give me the butterflies... someone who would tell me they loved me, without me having to ask. I guess that should have been my first clue. But, I thought he was trying to do better... was that a lie? Ugh. You see this pattern? For every good thought, there is another that creeps in. It is getting better a little every day, but it still happens, especially when I am left to my own devices for too long. Oh- that is another thing, I have to figure out what to do on my own again, how to be on my own again. That is the worst... and the best... I am doing it again. I am sorry. Let's get on with it, shall we?

So my last post may have been a bit emo and dramatic, but I will not deny that is how I was feeling at the time. It helped to write it though, writing down the feelings and sending them out into the universe. Breaking up with someone you have dated for nearly two years is hard. This particular break up seems to be harder than any of the ones I have had in the past, probably because some how, some part of me knows that this was for the best, and that makes it so extremely hard. Because I still love him, a part of me always will. He is my best friend, and I guess that is going to change. It hurts.

Sometimes this whole thing feels all consuming and very overwhelming. Mostly, that is when I lump everything together. Everything? Feeling like I am mourning someone I have loved more deeply than anyone before. Feeling disappointed, in both myself and in him. Feeling lost. Feeling terrified, I am 27 and am having to start over again. Seriously, that feels so old. I have no idea when I got to that point, but I am feeling it now. Somewhere along the lines, I have grown up. Feeling like my life is no where near the place I thought it would be at this point. Sure, there is the wife and kids thing, but beyond that, if you would have told me seven, even three years ago, that I would still be living in Cedar City, I probably wouldn't have believed you. Not because Cedar is a bad place, I love it here. Most of the time. But because being this far away from my family feels so hard sometimes. I cannot believe that I have lived so far away from them for this long. Don't get me wrong, I also feel like I have a great family here in Cedar... But there are times when I just miss Oregon like crazy. Especially the last few weeks. Call me a baby, but for once, it would be nice to be able to run from my problems. I have thought about moving home a million times, but I am not sure that is the answer to my problems either.

Mostly, I feel like I am having a mid-midlife crisis. I have even thought about what I am doing with my life, do I want to stay at LearnKey and see what else this path has in store for me? Do I want to go back to school? What about nursing? Or a master's degree? Or getting a master's in counseling? I think I might be good at that. I have this fear, maybe it is a feeling, maybe it is nothing, maybe fear is not at all the right word, but... What if I am in the wrong place right now? I have this overwhelming feeling that right now, at this point in my life, I need to figure out where I need to be. Cedar City? Salt Lake? Portland? Vancouver? None of the above? Where? What if I am missing something, someone? All of that leads me to two thoughts.

1. I am panicking about my future. Here is the deal: I want more than what I have. What does this mean? I want to feel satisfied with myself, happy with myself. I want to have a job/career that I find completely satisfying. I want to get married. I want to be loved by someone who will love me as much as I love them back, and not give that love away. Or let it dim. Is that too much to ask? I want to have a family. I want children. I want to be a mom... I want that so badly. What if I am in the wrong place for all of that to happen? Is that ridiculous?

Having said all of that, I know that I need to stop worrying about the when and work on the what.

2. This is what it comes down to- somewhere in the past two years I have lost some pieces of myself. Some important pieces. I was willing to give those pieces up for someone who I thought was willing to give up pieces of himself for me. At first it was like that. We both were striving to be better together, we had dreams. We dreamed of things together. I poured everything I had into this person. And he, for a while, poured himself into me. But somewhere, he stopped doing that.

If I am honest with myself, I knew the break up was coming, for probably the last two months or so. Because that is when he stopped investing into the relationship. Don't I deserve to be with someone who will not stop investing in our relationship? Someone who will want to introduce me to his friends? Someone who will want to tell me everything about their day? Someone who will love me so much, and I will love so much back, that neither one of us will have to compromise so much to be together? Someone who will keep his promises? Mostly, the main promise, the promise of being an eternal family? I know what was ultimately missing in our relationship... Someone who will do things to make me feel special and loved? More than anyone else. Someone who will put me first, because I put them first? And not that Adam didn't do these things. He did, for a long time. But... In the last few months, he hasn't been telling the truth. He hasn't been the same person I fell in love with. It is almost like a state of limbo. Where we were two friends stuck in this place. But at the same time, I feel like that is not the case. I was willing to give him another chance. I was willing to forgive him for a huge mistake he made. Two actually. I was willing to start over. I was willing to love him with everything I had. But, he closed a door and didn't open it all the way back up again. I think that is what hurts the most. Knowing that, on some level, I knew what was happening, but I was willing to fight like hell for it, and apparently, I was the only one. Is it okay to blame him that way? To point such a big finger at him that way? Is that fair? Am I wrong? And if that is the case, than why am I something he chose not to fight for? Why am I so easy to give up? Oh, that is such a horrible place to be. I try not to let myself be in that place for too long though. Those are thoughts that I got from someone else, someone toxic. I know that... but, on some levels I feel that way. That is why I have to talk to him again, that is why I have this need to ask him questions, find out what really happened.

Now let us get back to the rational parts. I know I need to do some work on myself right now. I need to fix what I have given up, and I need to get it back. I feel that with every ounce of me. That is the most important thing to do. And I will do that. I hope I will find the answers I need along the way... I will... right? 

A Rambling Mess

To you,

Today someone said the words that I have been really have summed up my greatest fears, “Brittni, it just makes me so sad, because there is no one in this world who was as perfect for you as Adam. I mean, just the way you met, it was all fate. And that makes me sad, because you don’t have that.” Maybe my wording here is slightly different, but that is what I took from it. And in all honesty, I worry that there are some really big truths in what she said. 

That hurts. 

Because the truth is, no one in my life has ever just understood me the way you did/do. I have never been able to instantly and simultaneously open up and trust someone in every single aspect of my life, the way I could with you. I wish you knew how terrifying this is for me. How much it hurts to lose you, my best friend. How is it that you talk about our future life and our future children one day, and telling me you love me more than anything in the world, to the next day when you cannot even look me in the eye when you tell me you love me? How does that happen? I have spent a week and a half trying to get through that single thought. Trying to figure out what choice was made between those events that changed the course of our futures.

There are moments when I blame myself for all of these things. I must have done something to make it so easy to walk away from me, from us, from our family, from our future. Maybe I should have given you more space. Maybe I shouldn’t have held you so tightly. Maybe I shouldn’t have worried about you so much. Maybe I shouldn’t have felt your pains as much as I did. The maybe I should haves and the maybe should not haves go on and on and on. Those are the moments I want to hate myself. Those are the times I regret the most, because I cannot and will not apologize for the way I love you. I will not apologize for the amount I love you. I will not apologize for dreaming so hard. I will not apologize for believing in you as much as I do.

There are moments when I look back at our entire relationship and look for the exact moment things changed. There are times when I look for the moment we made the choice to change it all. Sometimes I blame myself for not being strong enough or having the faith enough to keep us on the track that we should have been. That hurts too.

There are moments when I am nearly certain that you made some choice, did something, to cause the rift between us. There are days when I think you found someone else who completed you a little bit more than I ever could. There are days when I just want to call you and yell at you. I hate those moments too. Because I hate being mad at you. I hate being disappointed at you. I hate feeling like you would do those things.

Please tell me you didn’t.

There are  moments when I miss you more than anything I have ever missed and it feels like that missing is going to absolutely shatter me.

And then I have moments of clarity. Moments where I know that sometimes the distance between 22 and 27 is vast. Sometimes, they are 700,00,000 miles apart. I know you need to find yourself and your footing in this world. I wish you would have told me you were not happy in Cedar City. I wish you would have told me your other feelings any time before that day. I wish we could have fixed things. I wish we could have loved each other more. I wish we could have fixed it. But mostly, I wish you the best, because you deserve the best.

As for me and my fears, we have a long way to go, there are a lot of places that I need to repair myself. And, in all honesty, I need to do those repairs without you. Because they probably wouldn’t have been made with you. We will both be better for that. To complete the circle from above, I have to believe that my fear that you were the one person who fit me so perfectly is a lie. There will be someone else. Someone who fits me more perfectly than you ever could have. Some moments that hurts. Some moments I believe that, other moments I do not, could not ever even imagine it. I think that is where I am right now. Stuck between missing you and feeling like there could never be anyone else like you. But guess what, tomorrow is a new day, and there will probably be less hurt and more hope. I hope so at least. And one day, I will write about you. You will become another essay in my collection. Another poem. You were always going to become those things anyway, they are just different now. I have to accept that. We both do.

Please just don’t walk away forever. I am not asking for you to come back and declare your undying love. I am simply asking that maybe every once in a while you remember I exist and send me a message, because I want to know who and what you become.

You are my best friend.

I love you.

Thank you for what you have taught me. 

Crushed

Today I feel defeated, completely and utterly defeated. I am currently sitting on my bed, working on creating a gigantic outline for work-one that I will hopefully finish by tomorrow morning, Zimm is laying on a pile of papers at my feet, and we are listening to Gilmore Girls-because it has been that kind of day. For the first time in a long time I had an anxiety freak out. (Luckily I have a couple of really good friends who help me keep it together.) 

Let me give you a little background-- it is going to be brief, so keep up. My aunt, who is really more like my older sister in every sense, is in the hospital. Since Sunday night. She isn't in the ICU anymore, she is in the Psych ward... which is better than the ICU. I, more than anything, want to give her a hug. I was going to go up there today, Adam had to go to Layton for a few days for a wedding, but she can't really have visitors... so I stayed. I miss him. He's been holding me together for the last few days. However, I am so incredibly glad he gets to go and spend time with his friends, really and truly. I think he needs it.

I want to hug my mom. I want to go to lunch with my sister. I want to hug my dad. I want... I want to have a conversation with my aunt, I want to understand why she made the choice she did. I want to call my uncle, and I want to ask him what he is doing, because we need to understand his intentions. I want to not cry. I want to focus.  

That is all. Thanks for listening.

Love Movies

Today I am sitting at my desk at work, working hard, of course, hard surfing the internet for some form of entertainment, because today my brain would lose in a memory battle with my new goldfish Ra's Al Ghul. By the by, goldfish is not accurate as that is technically his race, but he is silver, which is why I am immensely in love with him... Also, because now I can say things like, "Ugh, even Ra's Al Ghul does not approve of this debauchery. Look at him, he is turned in shame and horror." (It really happened, ask Adam. I laughed for hours after... Still laughed when I typed that. Sorry that no fish name will ever be as cool as this one name.) (Another side note on my side note, when we got home with the new family addition, Adam immediately searched for Egg-Bruce, who is of course the mini Batman DC Super Friend figurine I got for $0.25 at the Wal*mart last Easter, and who's name is Egg-Bruce because he came inside a plastic egg, and Egg-Bruce is super fun to say, but you have to have a hint of Scottish in your voice when you say it. Try it. I dare you. Back to the point of this side note side note, Adam found Egg-Bruce, cut his cape off, to avoid algae, and threw him in the fishbowl, so the two could have a life long existential struggle with one another. After examining the bowl for a second, Adam said, "We need a Joker... and a Two-Face." I freaking love that kid, so much. SO MUCH. Our kids are going to be the biggest nerds of all time, but someone, somewhere, will teach them self-defense... I hope. OR! Even better, they will grow up to be evil geniuses, and then all the second graders who wedgied them on the playgrounds will regret their actions. Perfect. Glad we settled that.)

ANYHOW. Tangents aside, let us recap: I am sitting at my desk surfing the interwebs. I found this article. For some reason I felt required to read it. Mostly out of some strange need to figure out how in the world the movie Titanic was responsible for someone's entire take on love, whilst trying not to mouth vomit, whilst secretly hoping that the Titanic part was all a joke. There was a lot happening at once, if you couldn't tell. So to answer your question, without you having to go and read the actual article, yes, Titanic did have a significant effect on the way she views and feels about love. Which, I feel is tragic... for her. But what does all of this have to do with you? Ahh, let me tell you my friend. It inspired me to create my own list. So, if you are into that sort of thing, let us venture down this particular rabbit hole. 

1. High Fidelity

I have no idea where to start my love affair with this movie, nor how to describe its subsequent effects on my idea of love since then. But I can tell you this, love is a mixtape. Love hurts. It is complicated and messy, and if you don't have to fight for it, or with it for that matter, it probably isn't worth it. 

Here is an example of their relationship:

Exhibit A:

Laura: I'm too tired not to be with you. 

Rob: What, so if you had a bit more energy we'd stay split up, but things being as they are, with you being wiped out and all, you want to get back together? Is that it?

Laura: Yeah.

Exhibit B:

Rob: John Dillinger was killed behind that theater in a hale of FBI gunfire. And do you know who tipped them off? His girlfriend. All he wanted to do was go to the movies.

But then things like this happen:

Exhibit A:
Rob: Top five things I miss about Laura. One: Sense of humor. Very dry but it can also be warm and forgiving. And she's got one of the best all time laughs in the history of all time laughs, she laughs with her entire body. Two: She's got character. Or at least she had character before the Ian nightmare. She's loyal and honest, and she doesn't even take it out on people when she's having a bad day. That's character. Three: I miss her smell, and the way she tastes. It's a mystery of human chemistry and I don't understand it, some people, as far as their senses are concerned, just feel like home. Four: I really dig how she walks around. It's like she doesn't care how she looks or what she projects and it's not that she doesn't care, it's just, she's not affected I guess, and that gives her grace. And five: She does this thing in bed when she can't get to sleep, she kind of half moans and then rubs her feet together an equal number of times... it just kills me. Believe me, I mean, I could do a top five things about her that drive me crazy, but it's just your garden variety women you know, schizo stuff, and that's the kind of thing that got me here.

Exhibit B:
Rob: I am tired of the fantasy, because it doesn't really exist. And there are never really any surprises, and it never really...

Laura: Delivers?

Rob: Delivers. And I'm tired of it. And I'm tired of everything else for that matter. But I don't ever seem to get tired of you, so...

Okay, I will stop filling you with lines you don't really care about, but I could go on for pages of them. This movie feels like home in that arena. It makes sense. It clicks. Somewhere.

Bonus: Sometimes this is how I feel about life, not necessarily about relationships, but life: "I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments"

2. Breakfast at Tiffany's

I love this movie.
I love Audrey.
I love George.
I love Cat.
I love the mean reds.
I love it all.

* Disclaimer, you are about to read the worst synopsis of this movie ever... So there is this writer, he once wrote something. It got published. He lost himself. He lost his desire. He moved to New York, he met a girl. A complicated, neurotic, mess of a girl. A girl who couldn't find a home where she fit, she couldn't even name her cat. They became friends. He started to write. He proposed. She ran. Far and fast. They met in a cab. He called her on her shit. She ran more. She threw the cat out in the rain. He ran out in the rain. She felt everything. She goes out in the rain. They search for the cat. They kiss in the rain, cat buried between their trench coats.

That moment, when she is frantically looking for the cat, because without the cat everything is wrong, I love that moment. Love is finding the cat. In the rain.

Side note, the love of your life will be your best friend. The one person you can be completely yourself around. And the one person you with whom you can be completely vulnerable.

3. That Thing You Do!

I remember watching this movie in sixth grade, okay, probably I watched this movie once a month until at least my junior year of high school. One day I was watching it, before a trip to the zoo, and my mom came in and said, "I have no idea when you got to be a romantic." I was astonished and embarrassed. I was not really into the chick-flick/rom-com genera, still probably not my favorite either, but it happens. Anyway, I was super surprised that is what she got from the movie. I was oblivious, which is probably why it had such an affect on me. What was she talking about? It was about the music. It was about rising and falling. It was about reaching your dreams before they are even fully developed in your mind. It was about a million other things. It was NOT a love story. Okay, okay, there is that kiss at the end, but it wasn't really about that. But then it hit me, it is about love. Once this was realized, I have never been able to take it back. Faye is in a horrible relationship, she is unhappy and doesn't realize it, maybe she realizes it, but she doesn't think about it, because its what she knows. Its comfortable. He treats her like crap though. Her best friend quickly becomes Guy. At the end of the movie, Guy races out of the hotel to find Faye standing on the curb. He asks her one question before she goes... "When was the last time you were good and kissed? I mean truly, truly, good and kissed?" She answers. They kiss. My entire existence, well since seeing that moment, all I wanted was to be truly, truly good and kissed. Oh that kiss. Here it is in all its glory. 

Okay, so there is my list of movies that have somehow twisted my version of love and romance.

This one was hard, mostly because I have an irrational fear of leaving something out, somehow in my head, this list is THE list of movies that inspired my ideas of love, the only movies that ever affected and skewed my views on love. Okay, i get it, that is not true, and no one reading this will think that. I hope.There are many that did not make the cut, many that should actually be on it. Some honorable mentions? 10 Things I Hate About You, Say Anything, Lady and the Tramp (weird, but true), Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink.

Things on My Mind

I haven't blogged in a long time. But, at first, that was because I was going to do an entire blog dedicated to my new, grown-up-all-by-myself apartment, and another one dedicated to my top favorite albums, and another one to update you about my new puppers, and another one to tell you my favorite songs, and another one to tell you how I suck as a writer, and another one to apologize to Mary for not writing when I told her I specifically would, and another one to come up with excuses. But every time I am at work and think about one of these things, I realize I have not the time or mental head space to compose such a thing. And I am sick of apologizing for things. So here are a few thoughts that have been going around in my head.

1. I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate that my friends have to struggle with horrible, knee-bending, gut-wrenching things. But more than that, I hate that it is not enough for me to just hug them to make it better or that I cannot do anything to fix what is happening in their individual lives. I wish I could. And it breaks my heart.

2. I have good friends. Friends who are there for me when I need them. Friends who know when I need ten feet or when I need a hug. Friends who stick by me, even when they think I am making poor choices. I like that about myself.

3. I want to do something great. Not spectacular or huge, but something that would inspire people. Mostly to be kind to others. I want to be that type of human. Not for recognition, but because, some days, I feel like I could be that type of human. (Other days I realize I need to shut my judgmental little mouth and realize that sometimes mean is cruel, not funny.)

4. My friend Jordan told me that she thinks that I have this great capacity to love people, and she said that when she thinks about people who embody love, she thinks of me. And I think that is the greatest compliment I have ever received. I hope, hope, hope, hope, that it is true.  And that she wasn't just saying it because she is my friend. But I want to be that person. So badly.

5. It isn't fair that some people can have babies and others cannot. I hate that. Why can't the world be fair?

6. I do not, for the life of me, understand why people can justify walking away from a long, intense friendship like it never happened.

7. Trent sent me this last week when I was particularly struggling with some things and in the midst of my heart aches and panic attacks and over-dramaticness, I forgot the essence of these things. I had to go to therapy for a while, to get over somethings, if you didn't know that, you do now. My therapist tried to drill this into my head, over and over and over again. I forgot it was true. I forgot that I didn't need to apologize for being emotional when things hurt. Actually, this is the conversation:

me: that first article reminds me of my therapist and sessions we had all the time, because she was basically telling me I did that to myself all the time, because i constantly apologize for myself, when i have nothing to be sorry for.

Trentward: yeah, thats part of why i wanted to share it with you. because you do do that a lot

me: i know.

Trentward: and like, its a real thing, and its okay to emotional. and i love you. thats all.

me: but after being in a relationship for six years with a person who CONSTANTLY did that, and for the six years of my life that I was trying to figure out myself and how to work with all of those things, it is really hard to get out of that habit. And i have been trying to. and i do okay with it for a while, but there are times, like this past week, when part of me gets so sick of hearing me cry and be an emotional basket case, even if i have reason to do so. and then, with the not sleeping thing, it becomes that much easier to slip into that place.

8. This makes me happy.

9. And this.

And that's all for now. Except, keep breathing. It will be okay, one day. Better than okay, because you deserve to be better than okay. Someone told me that once. I remind myself of it everyday. You should too.