My Jilly and My Jo

This week I am so grateful for two of my dearest friends on the planet and their examples of strength, kindness, and love. Cheesy? Maybe. But I seriously love them. And I don't  know what I would do without them.

First, my BFF Jill. She is freaking amazing. And if you don't know her, you are missing out. Seriously. You are. I spent last Sunday with her and while we didn't do anything super abnormal, I was consistently overwhelmed with how giving and wonderful she is. We both went to a meeting and during the meeting, I got to see her handle some intense situations with grace and compassion. I am not sure I have ever seen anyone call someone out on their narrowed perspective with quite the same combination of tenderness and strength. It was seriously perfect. Then we went to visit her grandfather, who is currently at Kolob, a rehab/care center for seniors. During our visit, we sat in the dining room while he ate. At a table not too far from us, sat a group of four gentlemen, some a bit more on the grumpy side than others. She was the first to jump up and help them find the salt and pepper, and made sure they were all good before sitting back down. I wish you could have seen the way her grandpa lit up when she talked to him or the way that it all came out so naturally. I wish I had a better vocabulary do describe the situation, but, I was at one point I was really overcome with how amazing she is and how lucky I am to have her in my life. I feel like I am not even coming close to doing it justice, but with not having much sleep since Thursday, this is what we have to work with. haha.

Second, my dear, dear, dear Jo. I am not even sure where to begin with this one. In the past few weeks she has experienced some major losses, things that would make me want to stop dead in my tracks and not move. But not Jo. She just moves forward, somehow. Maintaining  a strength that everything will be okay and that they are happening for a reason. It is this inner grace that I can only wish to have one day. And somehow, she is finding the ability to focus on others. She is concerned with her husband and how he is handling the situation, she goes to work and takes care of patients and follows around doctors who are being stretched in fifteen million places. And somehow, still takes a call or series of texts from me and my silliness. I have no idea how she does it. Well, I have some ideas...

I am really so thankful for these two in my life. They keep me sane when everything is falling apart. They are strong when everything is falling down around them. They are two of the most graceful people I know, and I am the luckiest person to have them.

I love you two. I hope you both know that.

End of an Era

It is now Monday and it has been a really weird weekend/day... For those of you who don't know, I have two jobs currently. Well, had. About fifteen minutes before I was supposed to be at the daycare for my Monday/Tuesday closing shift, I got a text from my boss that said, "Don't bother coming in. We are now on vacation until further notice." I promptly called and asked what this meant. And it apparently means that I am out of a job until further notice... sort of a permanent vacation. No one is sure if it will actually start up again. No one knows if we are going to be paid for the hours we worked for the last month ish. So that is super, super, super neat.

I am trying to be okay with this. Trying to find the positive in all of it, but honestly, it feels really strange. I have worked at that daycare for almost as long as I have lived in Cedar. Which has almost been ten years. Which is insane. If you would have gone back and told my twenty year old self where things would be at for me right now, I probably wouldn't have believed you. But, I am really glad it hasn't turned out the way I thought it would then. Or even the way I thought it would be a year ago. I have realized that my last few posts have sounded really negative, and I didn't necessarily mean them to come across that way. Mostly, I am trying to work out these thoughts in my head. And for the most part the thoughts aren't overtly present, but every once in a while they boil to the top and I just have to write them out... because I am a writer and that is what I need to do. But they are all too close to the surface to do any actual writing about it. Its complicated, haha.

Anyway, back to the point. I am not working at the daycare anymore. I am not really sure how to take that or what it means. I walked into the building on Saturday to try and pick up my check, and the entire building was empty. (Which wasn't really a surprise or why we are on 'vacation', we were moving to a different building anyway.) It was completely empty. I wish I could explain feeling that washed over me. And then I started to think about all the kids I had taught, all the kids who I had as babies, who I watched have their first steps, helped sing their first abc's, helped with homework... and realized the large majority of them are so big now. In some ways, it made me feel like I have been a part of something bigger than myself and in some ways I am not really sure what has happened with all that time.

So with that door shut, its time to look for an open window, I guess. I think I am going to try to wait to find a second job until after the holidays... In the meantime, I am going to look for some freelance writing jobs or something... If you hear of anything or want to hit me up for some writing, let me know... Good thing I said in my last post that I was going to try to start writing again. See? Silver linings. 

November Catharsis

Hello blogging world and friends and people who actually are inclined to read this, its been some minutes... Somehow it is November already, and I am not sure when that happened.

I have left you all with a very long absence, and to be totally honest, I am not sure why. That isn't true. I just lied so hard. Not even for a second. I know why. It is because I have been afraid to write, even if it is just a blog, a stream of consciousness which I will try extremely hard not to edit. (Sometimes I wonder if you read this and think, "Brittni, honey, you are not a writer, if you were, your posts would be eloquent and well-worded, punctuated correctly, grammatical... You went to college for crying out loud!" My answer to which is this, "Blog writing is something completely different for me. It is almost like a therapy session. A space that I can just type and type, and I don't have to worry about the end result. And if you don't like that, click the next button on your reader. XOXOXOXOXO.")

Back to the truth.

I just deleted an entire paragraph, I feel like you need to know this, cause you know, truth. I need you to understand that this is not about a boy. These feelings I have been having, they are more than a single boy, though, he instigated this. I wish I could tell you how frustrated I am at myself for that sentence. I wish I could say this time in my life, this time where I have been feeling this way are because of my own accord, but alas. But please understand that it hasn't been about a boy for months now. I am trying to be, thinking I am, beyond the place in my life where I let a boy dictate who I am and how I feel about myself. But, and this is a big but, it was the catalyst into things I have not wanted to think about for a long, long time. Or maybe a combination of many things all at once. It is hard to say.

I have also been avoiding the writing, the blogging, those parts of myself, because I have decided I want to put good into the world, not spend time with pity parties. In the words of one brave bunny, "If you can't say nothin nice, don't say it at all." So I haven't. But I have been sitting on this one thought for a few days now: Maybe to get to that place, the place of good things and good thoughts, I need to be honest about the dark bits. And, really, I have had so many darker bits than this.

I have had massive feelings of indifference. With everything. I have been struggling with some very deep parts of my identity, things and traits that I once held dear. Cryptic? Maybe. But here is an example... One of the things I love about myself the most is my ability to love. I am not trying to say this in toot my own horn type of way or a look at me type of way, but I truly, truly feel like the gift to love and to be patient is something I have been given. But it is also something that is really hard for me to accept right now. Because to love people, I feel it is important to strive to see the good bits, to hold out hope that they will turn around, they will see the hurt they are causing and they will change. I want to fight for you as a person, as my friend, as my coworker, as my family member, as my __________, until the cows come home. But there comes a time when I have to stop fighting for you because if I don't, I will lose myself. So, to combat all of these situations where I feel so utterly defeated, deflated, and disappointed in people, I have turned to indifference. And so much of that makes me hate everything about me. Because that used to be the one thing I truly liked.

My parents have always told me stories about my younger self. When I was three, I cried and cried and cried because someone shot Bambi's mom, and I could not understand, would not understand, how anyone could take another's mom away. I know you are thinking that sounds exaggerated, but it is 100% true. When I was eight, my parents took me with them to see The Fugitive. Let's not get into a dispute of whether this was appropriate for an eight year-old or not, it happened, move on. I remember sobbing, bawling, screaming, because I could not understand how someone could physically beat someone that way, I still remember the look on my dad's face when I asked him that question. What I am trying to say, is that my level of empathy is ridiculous. I am tender. I want to apologize for that, because I am afraid it sounds weak. And there in lies my contradiction. How can my greatest strength be such a weakness?

Its not. But, when I look at the big, life effecting situations of this year, I realize how toxic caring so much can be. For all of us. Do you want to know what happened with me and Adam? He cheated on me. He came to my house in the middle of the night, drunk. So drunk that he couldn't stand. So drunk that he could not keep a thought inside his head. So drunk that the dogs cowered in the corner. He kept repeating one phrase: "Now Brittni will know." I asked him what I would know, and he would look at me like I could read minds. After an hour of this nonsense, I took his phone, and I read his texts. He had been texting three separate girls. In every situation he said he had moved to Cedar City for a girl and it hadn't worked out. Which was real neat, considering he was passed out, drunk, in my bed. I called Jill and she drove me around while I tried to figure out what was going on. I called the girls and asked them what was happening and told them I existed. Because I needed to have an identity. Then I went home, got the keys to my office, went to work, and called Jo. And bawled on the phone to her for three hours. I dried my eyes, went home, and woke him up. He thought I was mad just about the coming over drunk bit, so I confronted him about the girls. He gave some excuse, it was because he was lonely. Because he didn't know anyone here. He didn't have any friends. He said it would stop. I told him I called them. He got mad and he left. He came back over later that day, explaining with some lie. A lie that we both knew was a lie. But, me being me, wanted to know that I hadn't wasted so much time pouring my love into someone who wasn't going to be there for the long haul. So, I gave him another chance. And in January, he came over and said, I am done. I asked why and I got a shrug of the shoulders. After two years, that was my answer. He left. Sheena came over. I called Trent and Rachel. And the world moved forward. He ran straight to at least one of the girls. (For those who care, he ended up cheating on her with two separate individuals... I want to say, karma. Maybe that is wrong, but how you can start a relationship and think it will last when it was based on lies and deceptions, and you knew about them all, it is hard to be surprised. Call me heartless.)

I took this whole situation and let it drift back to the other long relationship of my life. And this isn't something I talk about frequently either. Seth and I dated for a long time. It was good in the beginning. It felt like the right thing. I prayed about it. He prayed about it. Our parents prayed about it. It was the right thing. But sometimes people make choices and those answers change. We grew up and apart. He did things that weren't right. He changed. He was emotionally abusive... that was a hard sentence for me to type, I am not sure why. Maybe it is because I know some of you reading this, if you are still with me that is, know him too, and I don't want his past self to affect his now self. Things happened. Things got worse. And worse. And worse. One day it wasn't the right thing anymore. But I already had a ring on my finger. Plans were being made. Dates were set. Appointments scheduled. Families intertwined. How do you break that up? How do you walk away from all of that? How do you let go of something you were once told was the rightest thing you knew, by the rightest thing you know? How does that make sense? A really good friend. One night, after throwing up in the bathroom for three hours because he had called to tell me that he had decided I didn't need a wedding dress, that we didn't need to speak until I came home for the semester, that he had scheduled my appointment to take out my endowments, and that he had told his parents that I had been screaming at him for some stupid thing, "because it has more dramatic flair", Trent came over. I was telling him at length the whole conversation. I looked at him and asked him to tell me it would be okay. He hugged me tightly, looked at me, and simply said, "It will be okay. But, Brittni, you deserve for it to me more than okay." And those two sentences saved my life. And I am forever grateful to Trent. Because it was in that moment that I realized I could be more than just okay.

So two boys. Two crappy situations. And me feeling like I am pouring myself into people who can easily just flip a switch and change, move on, move forward, be someone else. Then I add on other things from this last year. I can name at least three people at work who have made stupid, stupid choices, followed by me sticking up for them, and then seeing a complete 180 in them. Suddenly, I wasn't ever supportive. I wasn't doing my job. I was making it harder for them. Etc. And I took these things so very personally. Because, how can you not when giving yourself to everyone in your life is such a huge part of you? Not to mention a series of events in the world of family. So add up all of these things and add in some not wanting to stare it all in the face, because it felt so overwhelming, and you get indifference. And that is where I am at.

I have tried for so long to ignore these things, to move forward, to not let it get to me. This may sound like fourth century Spanish to some, but all of these things feel like Amelia's house with six rooms, but only being able to acknowledge five, because of a perception filter. I am such a nerd. But that is how it feels. I guess what I am trying to accomplish with this post is to tell you this, I am going to start exploring these things. Talking my way though it here. Or maybe, this will be enough for now and my next posts will change the subject and move forward and we shan't speak of this until 2026. I am not really sure right now. But, at least you have some honesty. It is now three am and Zimm is pacing because he needs to go out, so I am going to take care of that. But. I wrote something. And for today, that is enough.

Blach.

I want to be able to say I don't only write on my blog when I feel upset or unhappy, but that probably wouldn't be the truest statement of all time, we all know it. I feel like that in the past three weeks I have felt better, ish about things. For the most part... But then I have these moments, like tonight, where I just feel like I am back at the beginnings of things, times when I feel like it would be great to just Eternal Sunshine him.And pretty much the last like seven months or so, because the truth is, he is not the only reason everything feels crushing or like I'm falling apart. Work has been gross, I feel like I've made some wrong choices and they have created this place I am in there, and I feel stuck. I can count nine people who I know are actively searching for new jobs, so that makes half of the office with one foot out the door. No one wants to be there, its difficult. And there is my aunt and things there are crazy. And I feel like it would be really cool to have people in my corner, but that is hard too.

I want to go back to this morning, when I was busy and hopeful. When things felt like it would be so nice to just start over. I don't know. Now I am tired and things are weird. Everything will look better in the morning, right?

A Little Dramantic

I want to preface this post with a comment... This whole break up has had a lot of ups and downs, and I feel like the only two posts thus far are the downs. But please know that I have had overwhelming moments of hope and positive feelings. While there is hurt and pain and confusion, there is also excitement for something new... but I guess part of me feels guilty for that. Wanna know a secret? A few hours before the break up, I had the thought of how nice it would be to start again... to be able to find someone who made me feel comfortable and could give me the butterflies... someone who would tell me they loved me, without me having to ask. I guess that should have been my first clue. But, I thought he was trying to do better... was that a lie? Ugh. You see this pattern? For every good thought, there is another that creeps in. It is getting better a little every day, but it still happens, especially when I am left to my own devices for too long. Oh- that is another thing, I have to figure out what to do on my own again, how to be on my own again. That is the worst... and the best... I am doing it again. I am sorry. Let's get on with it, shall we?

So my last post may have been a bit emo and dramatic, but I will not deny that is how I was feeling at the time. It helped to write it though, writing down the feelings and sending them out into the universe. Breaking up with someone you have dated for nearly two years is hard. This particular break up seems to be harder than any of the ones I have had in the past, probably because some how, some part of me knows that this was for the best, and that makes it so extremely hard. Because I still love him, a part of me always will. He is my best friend, and I guess that is going to change. It hurts.

Sometimes this whole thing feels all consuming and very overwhelming. Mostly, that is when I lump everything together. Everything? Feeling like I am mourning someone I have loved more deeply than anyone before. Feeling disappointed, in both myself and in him. Feeling lost. Feeling terrified, I am 27 and am having to start over again. Seriously, that feels so old. I have no idea when I got to that point, but I am feeling it now. Somewhere along the lines, I have grown up. Feeling like my life is no where near the place I thought it would be at this point. Sure, there is the wife and kids thing, but beyond that, if you would have told me seven, even three years ago, that I would still be living in Cedar City, I probably wouldn't have believed you. Not because Cedar is a bad place, I love it here. Most of the time. But because being this far away from my family feels so hard sometimes. I cannot believe that I have lived so far away from them for this long. Don't get me wrong, I also feel like I have a great family here in Cedar... But there are times when I just miss Oregon like crazy. Especially the last few weeks. Call me a baby, but for once, it would be nice to be able to run from my problems. I have thought about moving home a million times, but I am not sure that is the answer to my problems either.

Mostly, I feel like I am having a mid-midlife crisis. I have even thought about what I am doing with my life, do I want to stay at LearnKey and see what else this path has in store for me? Do I want to go back to school? What about nursing? Or a master's degree? Or getting a master's in counseling? I think I might be good at that. I have this fear, maybe it is a feeling, maybe it is nothing, maybe fear is not at all the right word, but... What if I am in the wrong place right now? I have this overwhelming feeling that right now, at this point in my life, I need to figure out where I need to be. Cedar City? Salt Lake? Portland? Vancouver? None of the above? Where? What if I am missing something, someone? All of that leads me to two thoughts.

1. I am panicking about my future. Here is the deal: I want more than what I have. What does this mean? I want to feel satisfied with myself, happy with myself. I want to have a job/career that I find completely satisfying. I want to get married. I want to be loved by someone who will love me as much as I love them back, and not give that love away. Or let it dim. Is that too much to ask? I want to have a family. I want children. I want to be a mom... I want that so badly. What if I am in the wrong place for all of that to happen? Is that ridiculous?

Having said all of that, I know that I need to stop worrying about the when and work on the what.

2. This is what it comes down to- somewhere in the past two years I have lost some pieces of myself. Some important pieces. I was willing to give those pieces up for someone who I thought was willing to give up pieces of himself for me. At first it was like that. We both were striving to be better together, we had dreams. We dreamed of things together. I poured everything I had into this person. And he, for a while, poured himself into me. But somewhere, he stopped doing that.

If I am honest with myself, I knew the break up was coming, for probably the last two months or so. Because that is when he stopped investing into the relationship. Don't I deserve to be with someone who will not stop investing in our relationship? Someone who will want to introduce me to his friends? Someone who will want to tell me everything about their day? Someone who will love me so much, and I will love so much back, that neither one of us will have to compromise so much to be together? Someone who will keep his promises? Mostly, the main promise, the promise of being an eternal family? I know what was ultimately missing in our relationship... Someone who will do things to make me feel special and loved? More than anyone else. Someone who will put me first, because I put them first? And not that Adam didn't do these things. He did, for a long time. But... In the last few months, he hasn't been telling the truth. He hasn't been the same person I fell in love with. It is almost like a state of limbo. Where we were two friends stuck in this place. But at the same time, I feel like that is not the case. I was willing to give him another chance. I was willing to forgive him for a huge mistake he made. Two actually. I was willing to start over. I was willing to love him with everything I had. But, he closed a door and didn't open it all the way back up again. I think that is what hurts the most. Knowing that, on some level, I knew what was happening, but I was willing to fight like hell for it, and apparently, I was the only one. Is it okay to blame him that way? To point such a big finger at him that way? Is that fair? Am I wrong? And if that is the case, than why am I something he chose not to fight for? Why am I so easy to give up? Oh, that is such a horrible place to be. I try not to let myself be in that place for too long though. Those are thoughts that I got from someone else, someone toxic. I know that... but, on some levels I feel that way. That is why I have to talk to him again, that is why I have this need to ask him questions, find out what really happened.

Now let us get back to the rational parts. I know I need to do some work on myself right now. I need to fix what I have given up, and I need to get it back. I feel that with every ounce of me. That is the most important thing to do. And I will do that. I hope I will find the answers I need along the way... I will... right? 

A Rambling Mess

To you,

Today someone said the words that I have been really have summed up my greatest fears, “Brittni, it just makes me so sad, because there is no one in this world who was as perfect for you as Adam. I mean, just the way you met, it was all fate. And that makes me sad, because you don’t have that.” Maybe my wording here is slightly different, but that is what I took from it. And in all honesty, I worry that there are some really big truths in what she said. 

That hurts. 

Because the truth is, no one in my life has ever just understood me the way you did/do. I have never been able to instantly and simultaneously open up and trust someone in every single aspect of my life, the way I could with you. I wish you knew how terrifying this is for me. How much it hurts to lose you, my best friend. How is it that you talk about our future life and our future children one day, and telling me you love me more than anything in the world, to the next day when you cannot even look me in the eye when you tell me you love me? How does that happen? I have spent a week and a half trying to get through that single thought. Trying to figure out what choice was made between those events that changed the course of our futures.

There are moments when I blame myself for all of these things. I must have done something to make it so easy to walk away from me, from us, from our family, from our future. Maybe I should have given you more space. Maybe I shouldn’t have held you so tightly. Maybe I shouldn’t have worried about you so much. Maybe I shouldn’t have felt your pains as much as I did. The maybe I should haves and the maybe should not haves go on and on and on. Those are the moments I want to hate myself. Those are the times I regret the most, because I cannot and will not apologize for the way I love you. I will not apologize for the amount I love you. I will not apologize for dreaming so hard. I will not apologize for believing in you as much as I do.

There are moments when I look back at our entire relationship and look for the exact moment things changed. There are times when I look for the moment we made the choice to change it all. Sometimes I blame myself for not being strong enough or having the faith enough to keep us on the track that we should have been. That hurts too.

There are moments when I am nearly certain that you made some choice, did something, to cause the rift between us. There are days when I think you found someone else who completed you a little bit more than I ever could. There are days when I just want to call you and yell at you. I hate those moments too. Because I hate being mad at you. I hate being disappointed at you. I hate feeling like you would do those things.

Please tell me you didn’t.

There are  moments when I miss you more than anything I have ever missed and it feels like that missing is going to absolutely shatter me.

And then I have moments of clarity. Moments where I know that sometimes the distance between 22 and 27 is vast. Sometimes, they are 700,00,000 miles apart. I know you need to find yourself and your footing in this world. I wish you would have told me you were not happy in Cedar City. I wish you would have told me your other feelings any time before that day. I wish we could have fixed things. I wish we could have loved each other more. I wish we could have fixed it. But mostly, I wish you the best, because you deserve the best.

As for me and my fears, we have a long way to go, there are a lot of places that I need to repair myself. And, in all honesty, I need to do those repairs without you. Because they probably wouldn’t have been made with you. We will both be better for that. To complete the circle from above, I have to believe that my fear that you were the one person who fit me so perfectly is a lie. There will be someone else. Someone who fits me more perfectly than you ever could have. Some moments that hurts. Some moments I believe that, other moments I do not, could not ever even imagine it. I think that is where I am right now. Stuck between missing you and feeling like there could never be anyone else like you. But guess what, tomorrow is a new day, and there will probably be less hurt and more hope. I hope so at least. And one day, I will write about you. You will become another essay in my collection. Another poem. You were always going to become those things anyway, they are just different now. I have to accept that. We both do.

Please just don’t walk away forever. I am not asking for you to come back and declare your undying love. I am simply asking that maybe every once in a while you remember I exist and send me a message, because I want to know who and what you become.

You are my best friend.

I love you.

Thank you for what you have taught me. 

Crushed

Today I feel defeated, completely and utterly defeated. I am currently sitting on my bed, working on creating a gigantic outline for work-one that I will hopefully finish by tomorrow morning, Zimm is laying on a pile of papers at my feet, and we are listening to Gilmore Girls-because it has been that kind of day. For the first time in a long time I had an anxiety freak out. (Luckily I have a couple of really good friends who help me keep it together.) 

Let me give you a little background-- it is going to be brief, so keep up. My aunt, who is really more like my older sister in every sense, is in the hospital. Since Sunday night. She isn't in the ICU anymore, she is in the Psych ward... which is better than the ICU. I, more than anything, want to give her a hug. I was going to go up there today, Adam had to go to Layton for a few days for a wedding, but she can't really have visitors... so I stayed. I miss him. He's been holding me together for the last few days. However, I am so incredibly glad he gets to go and spend time with his friends, really and truly. I think he needs it.

I want to hug my mom. I want to go to lunch with my sister. I want to hug my dad. I want... I want to have a conversation with my aunt, I want to understand why she made the choice she did. I want to call my uncle, and I want to ask him what he is doing, because we need to understand his intentions. I want to not cry. I want to focus.  

That is all. Thanks for listening.

Love Movies

Today I am sitting at my desk at work, working hard, of course, hard surfing the internet for some form of entertainment, because today my brain would lose in a memory battle with my new goldfish Ra's Al Ghul. By the by, goldfish is not accurate as that is technically his race, but he is silver, which is why I am immensely in love with him... Also, because now I can say things like, "Ugh, even Ra's Al Ghul does not approve of this debauchery. Look at him, he is turned in shame and horror." (It really happened, ask Adam. I laughed for hours after... Still laughed when I typed that. Sorry that no fish name will ever be as cool as this one name.) (Another side note on my side note, when we got home with the new family addition, Adam immediately searched for Egg-Bruce, who is of course the mini Batman DC Super Friend figurine I got for $0.25 at the Wal*mart last Easter, and who's name is Egg-Bruce because he came inside a plastic egg, and Egg-Bruce is super fun to say, but you have to have a hint of Scottish in your voice when you say it. Try it. I dare you. Back to the point of this side note side note, Adam found Egg-Bruce, cut his cape off, to avoid algae, and threw him in the fishbowl, so the two could have a life long existential struggle with one another. After examining the bowl for a second, Adam said, "We need a Joker... and a Two-Face." I freaking love that kid, so much. SO MUCH. Our kids are going to be the biggest nerds of all time, but someone, somewhere, will teach them self-defense... I hope. OR! Even better, they will grow up to be evil geniuses, and then all the second graders who wedgied them on the playgrounds will regret their actions. Perfect. Glad we settled that.)

ANYHOW. Tangents aside, let us recap: I am sitting at my desk surfing the interwebs. I found this article. For some reason I felt required to read it. Mostly out of some strange need to figure out how in the world the movie Titanic was responsible for someone's entire take on love, whilst trying not to mouth vomit, whilst secretly hoping that the Titanic part was all a joke. There was a lot happening at once, if you couldn't tell. So to answer your question, without you having to go and read the actual article, yes, Titanic did have a significant effect on the way she views and feels about love. Which, I feel is tragic... for her. But what does all of this have to do with you? Ahh, let me tell you my friend. It inspired me to create my own list. So, if you are into that sort of thing, let us venture down this particular rabbit hole. 

1. High Fidelity

I have no idea where to start my love affair with this movie, nor how to describe its subsequent effects on my idea of love since then. But I can tell you this, love is a mixtape. Love hurts. It is complicated and messy, and if you don't have to fight for it, or with it for that matter, it probably isn't worth it. 

Here is an example of their relationship:

Exhibit A:

Laura: I'm too tired not to be with you. 

Rob: What, so if you had a bit more energy we'd stay split up, but things being as they are, with you being wiped out and all, you want to get back together? Is that it?

Laura: Yeah.

Exhibit B:

Rob: John Dillinger was killed behind that theater in a hale of FBI gunfire. And do you know who tipped them off? His girlfriend. All he wanted to do was go to the movies.

But then things like this happen:

Exhibit A:
Rob: Top five things I miss about Laura. One: Sense of humor. Very dry but it can also be warm and forgiving. And she's got one of the best all time laughs in the history of all time laughs, she laughs with her entire body. Two: She's got character. Or at least she had character before the Ian nightmare. She's loyal and honest, and she doesn't even take it out on people when she's having a bad day. That's character. Three: I miss her smell, and the way she tastes. It's a mystery of human chemistry and I don't understand it, some people, as far as their senses are concerned, just feel like home. Four: I really dig how she walks around. It's like she doesn't care how she looks or what she projects and it's not that she doesn't care, it's just, she's not affected I guess, and that gives her grace. And five: She does this thing in bed when she can't get to sleep, she kind of half moans and then rubs her feet together an equal number of times... it just kills me. Believe me, I mean, I could do a top five things about her that drive me crazy, but it's just your garden variety women you know, schizo stuff, and that's the kind of thing that got me here.

Exhibit B:
Rob: I am tired of the fantasy, because it doesn't really exist. And there are never really any surprises, and it never really...

Laura: Delivers?

Rob: Delivers. And I'm tired of it. And I'm tired of everything else for that matter. But I don't ever seem to get tired of you, so...

Okay, I will stop filling you with lines you don't really care about, but I could go on for pages of them. This movie feels like home in that arena. It makes sense. It clicks. Somewhere.

Bonus: Sometimes this is how I feel about life, not necessarily about relationships, but life: "I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments"

2. Breakfast at Tiffany's

I love this movie.
I love Audrey.
I love George.
I love Cat.
I love the mean reds.
I love it all.

* Disclaimer, you are about to read the worst synopsis of this movie ever... So there is this writer, he once wrote something. It got published. He lost himself. He lost his desire. He moved to New York, he met a girl. A complicated, neurotic, mess of a girl. A girl who couldn't find a home where she fit, she couldn't even name her cat. They became friends. He started to write. He proposed. She ran. Far and fast. They met in a cab. He called her on her shit. She ran more. She threw the cat out in the rain. He ran out in the rain. She felt everything. She goes out in the rain. They search for the cat. They kiss in the rain, cat buried between their trench coats.

That moment, when she is frantically looking for the cat, because without the cat everything is wrong, I love that moment. Love is finding the cat. In the rain.

Side note, the love of your life will be your best friend. The one person you can be completely yourself around. And the one person you with whom you can be completely vulnerable.

3. That Thing You Do!

I remember watching this movie in sixth grade, okay, probably I watched this movie once a month until at least my junior year of high school. One day I was watching it, before a trip to the zoo, and my mom came in and said, "I have no idea when you got to be a romantic." I was astonished and embarrassed. I was not really into the chick-flick/rom-com genera, still probably not my favorite either, but it happens. Anyway, I was super surprised that is what she got from the movie. I was oblivious, which is probably why it had such an affect on me. What was she talking about? It was about the music. It was about rising and falling. It was about reaching your dreams before they are even fully developed in your mind. It was about a million other things. It was NOT a love story. Okay, okay, there is that kiss at the end, but it wasn't really about that. But then it hit me, it is about love. Once this was realized, I have never been able to take it back. Faye is in a horrible relationship, she is unhappy and doesn't realize it, maybe she realizes it, but she doesn't think about it, because its what she knows. Its comfortable. He treats her like crap though. Her best friend quickly becomes Guy. At the end of the movie, Guy races out of the hotel to find Faye standing on the curb. He asks her one question before she goes... "When was the last time you were good and kissed? I mean truly, truly, good and kissed?" She answers. They kiss. My entire existence, well since seeing that moment, all I wanted was to be truly, truly good and kissed. Oh that kiss. Here it is in all its glory. 

Okay, so there is my list of movies that have somehow twisted my version of love and romance.

This one was hard, mostly because I have an irrational fear of leaving something out, somehow in my head, this list is THE list of movies that inspired my ideas of love, the only movies that ever affected and skewed my views on love. Okay, i get it, that is not true, and no one reading this will think that. I hope.There are many that did not make the cut, many that should actually be on it. Some honorable mentions? 10 Things I Hate About You, Say Anything, Lady and the Tramp (weird, but true), Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink.

Things on My Mind

I haven't blogged in a long time. But, at first, that was because I was going to do an entire blog dedicated to my new, grown-up-all-by-myself apartment, and another one dedicated to my top favorite albums, and another one to update you about my new puppers, and another one to tell you my favorite songs, and another one to tell you how I suck as a writer, and another one to apologize to Mary for not writing when I told her I specifically would, and another one to come up with excuses. But every time I am at work and think about one of these things, I realize I have not the time or mental head space to compose such a thing. And I am sick of apologizing for things. So here are a few thoughts that have been going around in my head.

1. I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate that my friends have to struggle with horrible, knee-bending, gut-wrenching things. But more than that, I hate that it is not enough for me to just hug them to make it better or that I cannot do anything to fix what is happening in their individual lives. I wish I could. And it breaks my heart.

2. I have good friends. Friends who are there for me when I need them. Friends who know when I need ten feet or when I need a hug. Friends who stick by me, even when they think I am making poor choices. I like that about myself.

3. I want to do something great. Not spectacular or huge, but something that would inspire people. Mostly to be kind to others. I want to be that type of human. Not for recognition, but because, some days, I feel like I could be that type of human. (Other days I realize I need to shut my judgmental little mouth and realize that sometimes mean is cruel, not funny.)

4. My friend Jordan told me that she thinks that I have this great capacity to love people, and she said that when she thinks about people who embody love, she thinks of me. And I think that is the greatest compliment I have ever received. I hope, hope, hope, hope, that it is true.  And that she wasn't just saying it because she is my friend. But I want to be that person. So badly.

5. It isn't fair that some people can have babies and others cannot. I hate that. Why can't the world be fair?

6. I do not, for the life of me, understand why people can justify walking away from a long, intense friendship like it never happened.

7. Trent sent me this last week when I was particularly struggling with some things and in the midst of my heart aches and panic attacks and over-dramaticness, I forgot the essence of these things. I had to go to therapy for a while, to get over somethings, if you didn't know that, you do now. My therapist tried to drill this into my head, over and over and over again. I forgot it was true. I forgot that I didn't need to apologize for being emotional when things hurt. Actually, this is the conversation:

me: that first article reminds me of my therapist and sessions we had all the time, because she was basically telling me I did that to myself all the time, because i constantly apologize for myself, when i have nothing to be sorry for.

Trentward: yeah, thats part of why i wanted to share it with you. because you do do that a lot

me: i know.

Trentward: and like, its a real thing, and its okay to emotional. and i love you. thats all.

me: but after being in a relationship for six years with a person who CONSTANTLY did that, and for the six years of my life that I was trying to figure out myself and how to work with all of those things, it is really hard to get out of that habit. And i have been trying to. and i do okay with it for a while, but there are times, like this past week, when part of me gets so sick of hearing me cry and be an emotional basket case, even if i have reason to do so. and then, with the not sleeping thing, it becomes that much easier to slip into that place.

8. This makes me happy.

9. And this.

And that's all for now. Except, keep breathing. It will be okay, one day. Better than okay, because you deserve to be better than okay. Someone told me that once. I remind myself of it everyday. You should too.

Lets Save an Hour...

Currently it is 12:31 am. My body is pretty sure it is 5:40 am.

I am SOOOOOOOO tired.

Make my parents come soon...

I am not sure if i can last.

My Friends are Better Than Yours.

This last month has been a bit crazy, but then again, when is my life not like that? Though, can I say how blessed I am? Because I am. All the time. Every minute of every day. Let's start at the beginning, ish.

Remember when I said all my housemates moved up to Salt Lake to new and better things? That was about two months ago. Somehow it doesn't seem that long ago and I am the one living it. I guess Lynsie did only move out about a month ago. (Holy crap! I just realized, as I am typing this, that it has been a month since I got to go home to Portland... And I have forgot, completely, to write about all of it. I will get to it, I promise.) Anyhow, for the past two months I have been praying my little heart out about getting housemates, because there is no way that I could afford to live in my house by myself, to my great surprise, nothing really happened. I kept getting the feeling that I needed to stay in my current ward, which caused me much frustration. Not because I wanted to move, but because I had no earthly idea how I would be able to stay if I wasn't getting housemates. Call it a lack of faith, but I was frustrated... I couldn't figure out how it would all fit together. 

This is where it gets a bit jumnbly, so stay with me. If i lose you, sorry. 

My landlord was so amazing and kind. He offered to let me stay on an extra month, just to see if I could find anyone. We enlisted the help of his realtor and I was positive we would find someone. Two and a half weeks went by, and I had not a single call, people who I had thought were going to move in backed out. I had nothing. I had to figure something out, and quick. I put my application in on an apartment; an apartment where I would live all by myself. No housemates. Just me. After a long series of events, I got the apartment, though it won't be ready until the 15th. Today is the 1st, for those of the you keeping score. 

So what then? I had to be out of my apartment. I have a bucket load of stuff, no car, and no where to go. I panicked, ask Jill, Sheena, Rachel, and basically everyone else.

I talked to Wyett and asked if I could keep some things at LearnKey, he not only is letting me store some stuff there, but also offered me his garage to keep the bigger things. He is for real, the best ever. period.

Mary took me to the store to get boxes and storagey things, on the way there she offered to let me stay at her house until my apartment was ready. I cannot begin to tell you how thankful I am for the kindness of her and The Coach (blair). They are so fantastically wonderful. 

I had a place for me and my stuff to stay, then it was a matter of me actually getting things to the places they needed to be. Chelsey, Mindy, and Adam happened to be coming down this weekend, for other reasons, but ended up helping me move most everything. These kids helped me get pretty much everything packed and moved. Adam was such an amazing, spectacular help. He managed to keep me calm and was there to do whatever I needed help with. I seriously love that boy.

Did I mention that this whole week I was absolutely exhausted and sweet, wonderful, dear, dear Sheena basically toted my lazy, tired bum to and from work all week? She did. She is amazing. For more than just that. Be aware. She also gives me moral support on a daily basis, you know to attempt to keep me sane. I feel for her most days... I am difficult. 

I had a great hometeacher who showed up yesterday, with his truck and some friends. They helped me and Beau get things moved over to Wyett's garage. Beau. He is also owed a million thanks. (I think I owe all these people my first born... I better have a litter.

I guess what I am trying to say, is thank you everyone. You are all so amazing to me. I have no idea how I would live my life without you, nor do I know how to thank any of you properly for letting me put you out so much these last couple of weeks. 

Bedtime

This is what it looks like when I go to bed. I just wanted to share it with y'all.

Yes, I am 25.75 years old. I do sleep in Tinkerbell sheets, that is the pillow of said sheets in the background. I also sleep with a stuffed bunny named Cilantro. She is a nudest, vegetarian, and also she is full of gay pride with her rainbow hair bows. She is in deep love with a the stuffie of my bff/wifey Rachel, hence the gay pride bows. Then there is Al. Al is a llama, he will answer to the name Alfred or Albert. He is also well versed in the likes of Judith Butler and Anton Chekhov. he is also a gift from the lovely Adam. Then finally, last but not least, Zombie. He is allergic to names and brains, so his life is real complicated. He is adopted to me from my other lover Trent.

And that is what happens in my bed. 

Thanks for tuning in. 

Tonight.

I left work a little late tonight, I didn't work at the second job, and I decided I wanted to make a Reuben sandwich for dinner... and I probably wanted some broccoli and sweet potato fries to go with it. (If you give a mouse a cookie...)

I rode my little bike across the street to Linn's to grab the necessary supplies before riding home. I marched up to the deli and asked for some corned beef and swiss, which the deli chickie kindly sliced for me, though she said it would be a few minutes as she had to open a new corned beef, so I should probably go finish the rest of my shopping. I can take a hint when I am hit upside the head with it. She didn't want me to stand awkwardly around and stare her down while she cut my meat. I get it. I hate when people stand over me and watch me do my job.

So I spent my time walking around random isles and I came to one endcap in particular. I swear to you, there was sunshine sprouting out from this endcap. I heard angelic voices. I was drawn to it. It was fate. I found Tinkerbell Ziploc baggies. That's right. TINKERBELL. ZIPLOC. BAGGIES.

I bought em. Don't you worry  your pretty little heads.

Anyway... The girls at the check stand only kind of judged me slash were real jealous about it.

Also... Here is a picture with me and my delicious sandwich.

Mentos and Diet Coke

This is kind of how my job goes. Every day. I heart these kids.

Happiness

On a happier note, Adam came down for the weekend. And I loved it.

You wanna know why we are in l-o-v-e? Because we went to Wal*mart to get a game to play. We walked out an hour later with three sets of legos, the original Tron, and some capri suns. (It took a LONG time to pick out the legos... Because we couldn't decide which set to get. Eventually, we each had to pick a set and then we got a big plain set for the extras.)

We probably played legos for two days... I totally made a TARDIS. Just so you know. And when we weren't playing legos, we were reading books and listening to records.

I freaking heart that kid.

An Open Letter

*I need to get this out of my system, it has been bothering me for a while… and I just want it to be said. To the persons involved, I just hope you know I love you with all my heart and I wish I could make it hurt less. I love you.

An open letter to someone who should know better:

Mr. Asinine Pernicious Coward,

I would just like to inform you that I feel you are a completely ridiculous human being, and I think you need to understand that your actions deeply, deeply affect other people. I wish you could see the hurt you have caused certain people in your life. I hold both of these individuals near and dear to my heart, one of which is probably one of my best friends in the entire world, a word which I hope she will forgive me for using here, as you have completely spoiled those words and the meaning behind them.

I feel you have acted, and continue to act, in careless and damaging way, without regard for your actions. I would really love to smack you upside the head and make you see and understand what you are doing, what you have done, the irreparable damage you have caused, but most of all, what it is exactly that you are losing. You, my dear selfish, silly, silly, human, are missing out on one of the best people this world has to offer. She is kind. She is intelligent. She is funny. She is honest. She knows what it is to be a friend. She is a good listener. She is brave. She is strong. She is faithful and hopeful. She knows her heart and doesn’t question it. She is weird, but in the best possible meaning of the word. She completely envelopes and redefines the word, beautiful. She is nonjudgmental. She constantly helps those around her to be better people. She knows what it is to have a relationship with her Heavenly Father, and she lives it every day of her life. She isn’t ashamed that the previously stated relationship exists. She understands what it is to love people for who they are, for what they will become. She has a fantastic wardrobe. She has fantastic music taste. She is a pretty damn good cook when she wants to be. She is so much more than all of this too. She might be one of the best people I know.

And I could say a lot of the same things about the other person in this situation, and I do not know her as intensely or as well as the above mentioned individual. But both of these girls are strong, amazing women, and you are missing out more than you can ever know.

But you don’t get to share in that anymore, and it is your own fault. You have made her hurt so deeply and have not done anything to redeem yourself, in fact, you keep doing quite the opposite. You are being unfair in your treatment of another human being, and I wish you understood that. From everything I can see or hear about, you don’t even regret it. Maybe you do, but you are just better at hiding it.

Not to tell you what to do with your life or how to make your choices, but I just think if you have a girlfriend of three months, not even three months, and you chose that over a twelve plus year friendship, you have a problem. If you make this choice based on the fact that your 18 year-old girlfriend is intimidated with you being friends with people of the opposite sex, I think you have a bigger problem on your hands. It means you are missing trust. Shouldn’t a relationship be based on trust? I dated someone for a long time that chose to tell me who I could and could not be friends with. He constantly accused me for sleeping with my friends of the opposite gender, he belittled me for the fact that I cared deeply for people, people that weren’t him. It was hard to figure out why he thought I was sleeping with them, when I wouldn’t even sleep with him. But all of his accusations were because he was in fact cheating. I lived in that relationship, where neither one of us trusted each other, where he told me the things I could do and couldn’t do, for far too long. I learned my lessons. Now, I am not implying that she is cheating on you or that your relationship is a bad thing. But I am saying that if she cannot be comfortable with the people who are important to you in your life, the people who have helped you to become who you are, the people who have been there for you when no one else has been, the people who are still willing to forgive you after everything you have done, then something is wrong. That is a giant red flag. I just hope you can see it.

Also, as a side note, I am not sure where you get off doing what you did to a person you consider one of your best friends at a time that you did. You knew the hurt and the hard times she was going through, and you added to that by tossing her to the side. I have no idea how you can like yourself knowing just that part alone. That may sound like big hurtful words, and I am sorry for them. Kind of. I feel like they are true. And if I was in your shoes, I would have a very, VERY hard time living with myself knowing just that part alone, and we both know there is way more to it than that one single part.

I think you are being extremely foolish in letting these people go from your life. I think you are being a coward for not owning up to it. I might actually have an iota of respect for you if you could at least own up to your choices as of late or even if you would just apologize and actually mean it.

I don’t mean to insert myself in place where I do not belong, but it is so extremely hard for me to sit ideally by and watch you continue to hurt these people that I love so very much. Friends don’t treat friends this way.

Be a better friend.
Be a better person.

Also, you can stick it.

Thanks.

My Summer Vacation Essay

My Summer Vacation:
This summer has seriously gone away from me, I am not sure how We got to September, I seriously have no idea. It feels like yesterday that we looked into buying plane tickets to go home, that was back at the end of June… now the visit is in a couple of weeks. Crazy. Anyway, let’s compare my hopes and dreams with reality:

Hopes and Dreams:
Spend tons of time outside
Go star gazing every Wednesday night with Adam
Get a nice, awesome, suntan
Pay off all my medical bills
Go up to SLC to spend lots of time with my SLC family
Go camping nearly every weekend with the housemates, or at least to the lake on the Saturday
Spend Sunday afternoons on the lawn writing or with a good book
Write. Actually create something.

Reality:
Work.
Work.
Work.
Work.
Work.

In the month of August, I had exactly three full days off from both jobs. I am not really saying this to gain any type of sympathy, mainly to illustrate how I haven’t had any time to blog or anything of that sort.

Also, in the past three (ish) weeks, my life has been completely flipped upside down. Chelsey, Lynsie, and Mindy have all decided to move out. I cannot begin to express how mixed up my feelings are on this part of my life. They were, and have been, my family in Cedar for so long. No matter how crappy of a day I was having or how hard things got, I always had them to fall on. I could count on any one of them to give me a hug when I really needed it, even without asking. When I got my appendix out, they all took care of me, they made me slow down and take care of myself. They have sat with me while I have cried, we have had the most ridiculous of silly times together, they’ve listened to my frustrations, everything. I just cannot put into words how much I love these three girls and how much I have learned from each of them. I mean, I like sewing now, who saw that one coming? No one.

But at the same time that I am feeling sorry for myself, I am so freaking excited for each of them. Chelsey finally got a job as an auditor at a big accounting firm. She deserves it soooo very much. I know she is going to do amazing. Mindy also finally got a job as a nurse at a nursing home. She is already kicking trash and handing out medications like it’s no body’s business. Lynise is going to move home and begin the epic search for a job in a lab up there, which, given her talent and brains, won’t be hard.

I don’t want to become one of those people who just talks about how much they love their roommates, and how amazing they are, and blah blah blah, but seriously, mine are off the hook. And I know that their individual moves up to Salt Lake are for the best, but there is a HUGE part of me that is extremely selfish. I still need them here. I feel so lost already. I honestly do. Mindy texted me the other day and told me to be honest, she said she hoped I was really doing okay. The thing is that I am, but it feels like I have had to leave my family, again. It feels like starting over all again. It’s just hard to miss all of them at once. But, again, I am so proud and excited for them that it is hard. I told people that I had the emotional stability of Tinkerbell lately. And by that, I mean, I feel really, really, really excited for them one minute, and am crying my eyes out the next because I don’t know what to do without them. Conflict.

Though, there are happy things going on too. Really, really, really happy things.

Mostly, Adam.

I know I haven’t said much about him here or there, or anywhere. But, let me tell you, I am head over heels for this kid. Wanna know why?
He is probably one of the greatest people I know.
he has the biggest heart of anyone and is always willing to go the extra mile for people in his life.
He always knows exactly what to say or do to make me feel better. Take a few Wednesdays ago, he came down, and found me in my bed sleeping. He woke me up and asked me how I was doing. I tried to lie for a while, tell him I was fine, that everything was peachy. But he knew I was wallowing in the fact that my life was changing and it was all too much for one time. He kissed me on the forehead and made me get out of bed. We went out for pizza and a drive up the canyon, I felt better.
We can be really, really silly together. He gets my weirdness, all my little quirks, and so far, none of them have driven him to insanity.
When I was sick, he drove four and a half hours just to lay in bed and watch movies with me.
Four times out of five, when he comes down, I have to do things like laundry or clean the fridge, he has never once complained about this fact.
I feel like I can be my 100% self around him, the good, the bad, the ugly, the whinny, whatever.
He takes time to get to know the people in my life, to build a relationship with them.
I love his family, I have only met them once, but I quite enjoy them. He brought his little sister down for a sleepover one night, and it was some very good times. We watched inspector gadget for hours.
He follows me when I talk about super nerdy things or go off for hours about music… though most of the time, he can out music me, and I like that. A lot.
He drives the five hours to my house and then five hours back to his almost every week. If that doesn't say love, I don't know what else does. And when he does come down, it is for less than 24 hours. Not many people would do that... not many people have done that.
He is coming home with me to visit my family… to meet them for the first time. And I could not be more excited.

I got to spend time with Sheena last week. That felt really nice. I miss having time like that with her, I hope it happens more in the future.

Jillybean. I love her and I am so proud for everything that she has accomplished.

Rach has had an extremely rough go of things as of late, but she is hanging in there. I talk to her, less than I would like, but she seems to be staying positive. I like that. I am proud of her.

Trent. He is doing great things. Even if he doesn’t believe me, I am super proud of him for being who he is, for knowing what he wants.

Anne, she is working her life away and going to school, and she does everything so gracefully. I wish I could keep my head above water as well as she does.

Annie… she could be drawing hearts and love all over the back of her notebooks. 

Mary, ,she gets to stay home with her girls now. They all need that. Even Blair I think. I got to see them all on Monday, they all seemed super happy.

I have already mentioned Chels, Mind, and Lyns, but I am soo proud of them.

Jo got a full time job. Hooray.

Fe is keeping up with everything, she has a loaded plate, way more loaded than she deserves, but she still seems to see sunlight and she is always just an email away.

KaeLee is doing better too. I need to talk to her. Ugh.

Em somehow gets up at 3 am every day… I think that should deserve all the pride in the world. I could never do it.

There have been so many big changes for the people in my life lately, I am so happy for all of them. Moves. Babies. Relationships. Growing up. Everyone seems to be getting a dose of change, whether they welcome it or not. Though, for the most part, everyone seems to handle things a lot more gracefully than I can.

I really am so happy for the people in my life, I could vomit the happy.

Anyway. I wish I could say that I am going to blog more, that I am going to be better… but I think we all know the truth there. So… until the next time I get a few minutes to write down something I feel like someone in the world will care about… see ya.

HELP!

Hello my blog world friends...

I need some help.

I need a housemate. Like ASAP.

Anyone know of anyone in Cedar looking for a place? $250 a month. Good housemates, super awesome house, um... you could live with me... Lots of other perks.

I have posted on the SUU website, at the institute building, let all my friends know, google+ ed it, facebooked...I am not sure what else to do here. Any suggestions?

If you know of anyone, please please please let me know.

Also, one day I will post something about how my life is getting flip, turned upside down, so I will take a moment, just sit right there (when it happens).

For real though... my life is weird right now.

Find me a housemate. Quick! :)

The Risks

I say this all the time, but I am sorry that my friends are not as cool as yours.
Everyone out there is just going to have to realize that the people in my life kick some extraordinary trash. My friends are amazing, and they would do anything for me. I really, truly appreciate it. Here is a short list of things they have to put up with on a daily basis:

*I like to cuddle, a lot. I probably force people into doing it, and by probably, I mean I do. All of my housemates have just succumbed to this, in fact all of my friends have. I have so many friends who say things like, I am not a touchy person. And then I say something like, but I am the acceptation right? I usually am. If I am not, I will cuddle you until you like it. The other morning I woke up, went downstairs, and my dearest dear Mindy was lying on the couch, I laid on top of her. We didn’t really talk, I just laid there. Then when I woke up all the way, I went to the kitchen to eat my breakfast; she went on with her life. I will randomly jump you in random places. Like at the grocery store, usually in the frozen food section. I don’t know why. Mostly, I think I just get so overcome by love and adoration for the people in my life that I cannot control it any longer, and I have to hug them. Sorry I am a creep.

* I like being a creepy person. The more obsessive-stalker ish it sounds, the better.

*I have no filter between my mouth and brain.

*If given the opportunity, I will say, “That’s what she said.” One Christmas, I said it so much that my Grandma started saying it. Last year, when my dad’s birth mother was in town, my mom and I had to make up a code word for the phrase, you know, so we could be pervy and not have the birth mom pass judgments.

*Sometimes, I will go for weeks without talking to you. But that doesn’t mean you aren’t in my thoughts, you probably are, I am just terrible at keeping in touch that way.

* I love talking about “taboo” things. I studied sexuality in college, it was basically my minor. I will probably talk about it all the time if I could get away with it.

*When I get upset, really really upset, I bake everything in my house. Once, I went downstairs to Trent’s kitchen, pulled all of the flour, sugar, and eggs I could find, and proceeded to bake a cake, two different types of cookies, bread, and maybe brownies. I think there were rice crispy treats up in that too.

* I have to wash my hands twice, so you will run out of soap all the time.

*I will start cleaning your stuff randomly.

*I will say inappropriate things at the most inappropriate times.

*It takes me about three months to mail anything. Currently, I have KaeLee’s break up CDs sitting on my desk, right beside Denice’s birthday present, and Dad’s Father Day gift. The post office is just so hard.

*I am SUPER passive-aggressive. Sorry, but not really, but kind of.

*I might be more indecisive than passive-aggressive, I am not positive though.

*I think I am real funny.

*I think I am more clever than funny.

*If given the choice, I will start a fight with you in the store, a pretend fight where no one’s feelings will get hurt. Preferably in the family planning section, Trent is the best at this. My mom is not too shabby either, although, the family planning section arguments aren’t nearly as funny with her.

*I will probably try to be your mom. :S

*I will touch you. A lot.

*I will judge you on your music and book taste… And I will not be quiet about my own opinions. (Special apology for Chelsey on that one… I love you and I love that you like farmer music… even if it “isn’t my thing”)

*I am nerdy, I will pass off my nerdy things to you. (Again, Chelsey comes to mind.)

*I whine about how I don’t truly write anymore, but I never do anything about it.

*When I don’t eat protein in a while one of two things will happen. A) I will become a super horrible person, and I will probably try to eat your soul. B) I become super emotional, whiney, and I will probably cry. (HINT: Just feed me a chicken nugget or a string cheese and tell me to get over myself)

* I will replay our conversations in my head, especially when if we got into an argument or had to have a serious discussion. I will try not to do this, but I will lay awake for nights on end obsessing over it. I won't tell you about it though.

*I will make gag sounds if you touch your eyes excessively. It is absolutely disgusting. Don’t do that.

*It will annoy me, obsessively, if you do not keep up with your own obsessive compulsive behaviors. Be consistent people.

*I will love you, and I will probably always love you. But I really, really, really, really, really, mean it.

*Generally, I try to be super honest in my life. If you give me a specific question,
I will give you a specific answer. Sometimes I am not very forthcoming with information, so you may have to ask.

*I will talk about people like you know them personally. Not in a gossipy way, but in the way that something funny happens, and I will tell you about it, because I think you care about their lives.

*I will make us sound like a couple, even though we aren't actually a couple. Like, if you ask me where we should go, I will say, somewhere romantic.

*Really cheesy romantic things make me uncomfortable, even though I always want things to be this weird romantic that only exists in my head. Like, mix tape romantic. Never roses and staring into each other's eyes romantic. Gag.

Anyhow, thank you friends and family for being my friend. I love you.

My New Favorite Thing

I watch this every morning and then when I get discouraged.

It rocks.